Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 5

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is not superstitious. However, he respects dreams ... they may contain subtle messages. There could be a message from the subconscious. Something the subconscious knows, but the dreamer does not yet know. e.g. a blind spot, a concept inaccessible to the analytical mind. He does not believe in popular dream theories. He rejects theories like dreaming of a snake signals hidden threats. Perhaps deceit, or betrayal not yet recognized. Or untrustworthy people.

His belief is that a dream is a metaphor of what your subconscious wants to communicate to you. A repetitive dream is particularly important. It's a coded message and the dreamer has to decode it for himself in order to understand the actual message. 

Chapter 5

Lucas, the painter, is well known in the village for work of reasonable quality. He is perhaps better known for his tendency to hit the bottle. It did not bother Nathan that Lucas sometimes drank ... he could monitor the situation. Drunk on the job would not be tolerated. He made that clear. He told Lucas that he, Nathan, was a recovering alcoholic. He knew all the excuses and behaviors of addicts first hand. They joked about it. That sometimes when having had a few one's opinion of the quality of your work is unrealistic. You don't comprehend that it's actually a very bad job. They had agreed that drunk on the job would result in stop immediately, go home, no pay for the day.

Progress had been good and quality was better than acceptable. Surface preparation of the living-kitchen space had been done. The main bedroom was done. Kayla had told him she had met a woman who would give her a ride towards the end of the following week. This was good. Almost enough time to finish painting and he did not have to go and fetch her in the city. The woman would bring her to within 50 kilometers of here.

He was still apprehensive. No, he was worried. Kayla had seen only photos of the house in it's original state. It had the advantage though that any improvements he'd made since then would stand out for her. Originally the interior was dark. The previous owner liked hard colors, olive green, dark cream. There were two walls painted maroon! Nathan decided everything would be white. He ripped out all the blinds and curtains that had been left behind. He'd already ordered lightweight, pale color, blinds. "Double Fabric Roller Blinds – a stylish and modern solution for controlling light levels. Featuring alternating sheer and solid stripes across two layers of fabric," read the advertisement. He interpreted this to mean  that they could be adjusted between see-through-lace state and solid-regular-blind state.

To Nathan the new place wasn't a roof over one's head, a place to stay. It was tightly coupled to their relationship. If Kayla liked being there they would have a wonderful life together. The new place, their relationship and their future happiness were linked together.

His thoughts about it were jumbled. He sensed that how he wanted their relationship to be was coupled to where they live. If Kayla was happy to live here things would go well. If not, many of the things he wanted their relationship to be would simply not be possible.

Nathan wanted trust, forgiveness, acceptance, care for one another to drive their interaction. He loved imagining himself in the role of her caretaker and friend. He didn't want to feel like he was an adversary. To constantly feel he was the obstacle between her and her happiness. There had been days he saw himself teetering on the brink of an abyss. He would fall into dark nothingness if he lost Kayla. There was nothing if their relationship failed. 

So, fearful of tumbling into nothingness, he worked furiously to establish their dream living space. He was up early most days and spent most of the day on his feet, supervising the work and doing some of it himself. He fell into bed exhausted most evenings, sometimes without having an evening meal. 

It's okay, he thought to himself. He did not resent the work. When tired he'd remind himself, it's for us. 

Nathan woke up from The Dream with a shock. It was not the content that shocked him. It was the realization that he had dreamt the same dream again. Most times, when he woke up from a dream he would know he had dreamed but often he would not remember what it was about. This one, The Dream, was different. He dreamt it often and could remember details. It had to be significant, he thought. It had the same feel each time. Not the same details, but always the same underlying message. It's a question actually, what is this "something" I'm searching for, always searching but I never find it? What is the meaning of the frustrations and obstacles throughout the entire dream?

In The Dream he would be retired from his nine-to-five office job. Then he would have to go back to the old workplace for "something." It was very puzzling. He did not know what it was that he had to go back for. There was an urgent, compelling need to go to the building and find someone or something.

Sometimes he had difficulty finding the right motorway to get to the building. Often he experienced problems finding the right motorway to get out of the city and back home again. There were many one-ways in the vicinity of the building where he had worked. It complicated the job of getting to the building and away on the right road to get back home. 

In the dream he always struggled to find the entrance to the underground parking. When he'd parked the car he had to search for a way to the foyer. Things were different each time. There were always renovations happening. Elevators were out of action or took him to the wrong floor. Often he'd get stuck between floors. There were boarded up passages. Doors would lead him into dead end spaces. In that way it was a nightmare. In one of the episodes he went up in a stairwell and suddenly the steps ended. He could see where they continued higher up. But between the two pieces of still intact staircase was a dark hole with no visible bottom. He had to turn back. He could not bring himself to attempt a jump across. 

There were people. Some he recognized from his actual working days in that job. He would talk to them, ask for someone who could help him find what he was looking for. They were always polite but never able to assist. 

Finally, none the wiser, he'd give up and leave the building. Only to have similar struggles getting out. He would have forgotten which level he'd parked the car on. Then he'd end up on the wrong motorway. He'd struggle to find the right motorway to take him back home.

Despite not believing in popular dream interpretations he once Googled, "broken stairs dreams". He found an article: "A broken staircase in a dream is often perceived as an ominous symbol. The stairs can represent progress, growth, and transition. When these elements are broken or damaged, the dreamer might feel overwhelmed by obstacles or setbacks. This article will explore various interpretations of broken staircases in dreams and provide insights into their possible meanings and significance; Overcoming Challenges, Fear of Change, Self-Doubt, Unresolved Emotions ..."

He lay awake for some minutes, pondering again the information from Google. What challenges, what changes, what self-doubt? Perhaps, yes, but he still had no clue what "something " he was searching for. He did not want to know he was in "Fear of Change" he wanted to know what were those changes he was fearful of making. The dream may be a metaphor, but it was also a complete mystery. 

Realizing he would not immediately fall asleep again he got up  to make coffee. Those he told about drinking coffee at night, that it settled his anxiety or racing thoughts and helped him sleep were incredulous. He supposed it had little to do with the coffee ... anything he did to break the cycle of thoughts would probably help him sleep. So what, he had a high tolerance to caffeine and it worked for him and so that's what he did.

It was after 3 when he went back to bed. 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 4

 

 Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan had learned that Kayla has a low tolerance to waiting. There was a time he wondered if she was a narcissist. He read up about narcissism. Much of the documentation covered NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. She did not have a personality disorder. That was obvious to him. He came to the conclusion that there are levels of narcissism, it's a continuum, not a binary choice. Kayla was perhaps high in narcissism. He could handle it. If one knows she dislikes waiting one allows for it. A simple adjustment.

Chapter 4

The plumbing will take another day. It would not unduly affect the overall time. In a renovation project there are always unforeseen obstacles. The outlet pipes were inadequate and had to be replaced. Fortunately replacing the bath was a minor job. The new bath was a freestanding unit and did not require being built in or to have the sides enclosed.

The morning sun was pleasant. The air outside was cold. Nathan sipped on his coffee looking out over the houses and towards the distant mountains. He enjoyed the view. It was strange that the veld looked black. The foliage, although green when one was up close, had a charcoal appearance from a distance. He supposed because of the shadows in the early morning ... there was more dark shadow than sunlit, green foliage. 

He was not worried about the duration of the renovation. Kayla had indicated in her last telephone conversation that she was considering joining him before the work was completed. When she "considered" something it was normally an indication that she had all but made up her mind. He would discourage her from joining him earlier, but she did not like to be told what to do. She also did not like waiting. Not for anything. He needed to delay her arrival until after at least 80% of the work had been done. The plumbing will be completed today and the bulk of the painting probably by the middle of the following week. It was not a big concern. He just had to juggle between having her being inconvenienced by building work here and keeping her waiting there. He could manage it. 

Early in their relationship he learned to not keep her waiting. He should have learned two important lessons that day, he thought to himself. Unfortunately he missed the second one. He remembered it as if it was  yesterday. Kayla had an appointment with the GP. When they arrived at his practice she wanted Nathan to drop her at the entrance and pick her up later.

"Let's park the car and I go in with you and wait in the waiting room?" he suggested. 

"Just drop me and come back in twenty minutes," she said sounding irritated. "When I'm done I'll come out and wait in the same spot where you drop me. You can just double park for me to get in."

Nathan was concerned things may not go as planned and asked, "Take your cell phone with you just in case?"

Kayla ignored the question. When she got out of the car she left the phone in the open glove compartment with her house keys and shopping list. He checked the time on the dashboard clock before driving off to find a place to park for 20 minutes.

He loosened his seat belt and rolled down the window. Leaning back in the seat he waited and began thinking of what may go wrong. Nathan had a bad feeling about this arrangement. He felt queasy. That was fear ... fear feelings coupled with not having options literally made him nauseous. Since childhood nausea was the signal his body gave him when he was in a corner and just knew it would end badly. 

Strange, he was not fearful of difficult situations. Those he could handle. He had choices and accepting that the task was beyond him was also an option ... as long as he wasn't back against the wall with zero options. In childhood the nausea always had to do with things his mother told him to do, expected from him. Or the school bully. Or the unreasonable teacher. He loathed irrational. Even as a child he sought reason, thinking it would protect him. When his mother gave instructions or demanded he do something his fear was about what would come afterwards. He would have no say, no options, just had to follow instructions. Often there would be a less than perfect outcome. Then the blaming would start and not stop till her mood settled. There was no room for reasoning or excuses. She just bulldozed on. He would just have to suffer the feeling of powerlessness as long as the badgering lasted.  

Even if the outcome was good there would sometimes be some negative reaction from her. He felt like that again now, anticipating Kayla's anger if he were late at the pick up spot. Or she came out of the building sooner than 20 minutes, before he was there to pick her up. Or anything else went wrong. The nausea gripped him. He knew he would not throw up, but one has a reflexive feeling of revulsion when about to throw up. He felt the rush of saliva in his mouth, familiar sensations that came with his anxiety. He never actually vomited ... just hovered on the edge ... that's where he was in this moment. He waited for the symptoms to subside.  

It was time to go. He double parked at "the spot" 17 minutes after dropping her.  No sign of Kayla. He waited. Obstructing the traffic flow made him uncomfortable, but he stuck it out. 

After some time he decided he needed to again park the car and then go in to inquire. The girl in reception told him the doctor wanted a blood analysis. Kayla was probably still at the pathologist just a few doors away. It was now almost 35 minutes since he dropped her at the entrance. He'd go check at the pathologist.

As he came out the building, there she was, waiting, visibly angry, "I told you to double park! Where's the car?" 

"I did exactly as you told me," he defended while already walking in the direction of where he'd parked. "I double parked and waited. When you did not show up I took the car back into the parking area and then went inside to look for you."

"Here I'm standing like a fool, waiting!" she continued, louder, but not so  that others would turn and stare. "Not knowing if you are coming or not! Or when!"

This was absurd ... he told her to take her phone for in case. They'd reached the car. He held the door open for her. She got in without saying thank you ... and with very angry body language. He walked around and got in. He was now angry too. It's absurd; she ignored his suggestions and when things went pear shaped it's his fault? No, this is ridiculous. 

He reversed out of the parking space and started driving towards the exit. Kayla had not yet finished. "There I was ... not knowing where you are ... no phone. And Mr Bigshot leaves me hanging around waiting on the sidewalk!"

"Keily, please," he tried to defuse the situation. "We did not know about the blood specimen. It's nobody's fault. It's over. Please?"

"You treat me like rubbish and I must accept? You are the rubbish!" There it was again ... when she was in this mood she'd shift focus away from the actual subject, make it personal and hurl insults at him.

At this point he lost it completely and yelled at her. He yelled so loud it scared him. He did not do this kind of thing, yelling at people, but he was furious. The day was destroyed. They drove home in silence, both seething. He couldn't remember how long the cloud of anger and resentment hung over them. Definitely well into the next day. Eventually she came to him and said, "I don't like this heavy atmosphere. I'm going to put it behind me. Now." 

That was it. He said nothing. He was glad she was no longer angry, happy to let it go. Puzzled but glad it was over. How could two people not resolve a simple thing like this? Blaming and yelling was destructive. It was lose-lose-lose; neither of them won and their relationship also suffered a body blow.

Thinking back on the incident now he realized, although he did get lesson one, don't let Kayla have to wait, he totally missed lesson two that was presented to him, you do not try to reason with angry Kayla ... keep quiet, walk away before you say anything. Trying to reason, arguing, saying anything will only make it worse. This is as good as it gets for this particular episode ...  keep quiet. If you get blamed for silence, it's a new accusation, a new episode, and damage control may be easier. It took  many arguments, many fights and much disillusionment before he finally learned that lesson.

He went to unlock the gate for the plumber. Nathan preferred to keep it locked most times. That way one knows who comes in and goes out. He'd contacted the painter and gave the go ahead for him to start today. Surface prep work that would not be affected by dust from the bathroom could start now. Most of the angle grinder work was done already anyway.

Munch went zooming around the yard when he picked up her leash. Nathan was happy. Why could he not, like a dog, run in circles when happy. No, his mind went immediately to vodka. Sometimes bourbon. The sequence was always ... happy ... celebrate ... alcohol. He quickly pushed away the idea of getting a bottle of alcohol. As a binge drinker he was constantly vigilant. This is how it starts, with a single thought. If he allowed the first thought to get traction the next thought would be, it's okay, just one, you will stop again. When he was disturbed he wanted to drink to numb out and when he was happy he wanted to drink to celebrate. It always ended badly; he'd feel he'd betrayed himself. Physically he'd be tired and hung over which made him pick up again in order to numb out. It would last for days and then he'd finally have the courage to pull himself together again and stop. There were no in between states ... he'd drink too much or be completely sober. 

It was not difficult to resist the urge. He had a job to do. Get the house ready. Kayla will soon announce that she wanted to come home.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 3

 Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan unknowingly buys into the narrative of The Narcissist's Prayer. He thinks he deserves how Kayla treats him. He thinks he can stop being blamed if he can only find what it is she wants and give it to her. Blaming will end if he can become the man she want's him to be.

"The Narcissist's Prayer

"That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it."

"The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig) beautifully illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimising poor behaviour, blameshifting and shamedumping all feature in this one simple verse, all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist the 'truth' is not seen as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable - as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it.  The truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time."

Chapter 3

On the morning of the day plumbing would begin Nathan woke up energized. The plumbing job will be the last of the really dirty work. He would start the painting later. Prevent cement dust from the bathroom contaminating the completed paint work. He was a step closer to the end of renovation, a step closer to Kayla coming home.

He had breakfast, took his coffee outside. Munch wanted to walk, but he had to wait for the plumber.

Say two days for the plumbing. He would prepare the wiring for the new light fittings during that time. He would not fit the new lights yet. Rather do it after the ceilings were painted.

The outside painting can be done later. Probably in two weeks the place would be in good enough order for Kayla to come home. He liked the sound of "come home." He missed her.

The paint had already been delivered. How long would it take to paint the inside? He'd never done a house paint project before. Two weeks should be enough. The problem was they would have to work around the furniture. There was nowhere else to store the furniture other than in the house. Most of the stuff was covered with plastic sheets, but they would have to  move things away from the walls. They'd also have to move furniture around to paint the ceilings.

When he goes to fetch Kayla he'd leave early in the morning so they don't get home after dark. One wants settling in time in a new place and it would be better arriving here in day time. It's an old house with small windows and it looked "trailer park" from the outside. Arriving at night would be worse. He'd brighten up the inside and the fittings will be modern. He was less concerned about the inside. First impressions,  seeing the house from the outside was what made Nathan uneasy. How will Kayla feel about the house? 

The plumber arrived. He had one assistant, his son. After establishing what all Nathan wanted done he took measurements. Then he left again, to go and buy the materials. 

Nathan returned to his thoughts. He remembered rare instances when he felt Kayla accepted him, wanted him and wanted to be with him. Mostly he felt tolerated. There were times when she had been afraid. He would put his arms around her and she would cling to him while he reassured her. It wasn't wanting to be close. More like a need to be reassured that she's not alone. There was the time she thought she'd reversed over the neighbor's cat. It wasn't the cat. An empty plastic paint container had been blown under the car. She was too afraid to look and went into an uncontrollable panic. She couldn't breathe. At first Nathan didn't know what was going on. He saw only her panic. She could not talk. She was shaking uncontrollably and trying to breathe. He held her and spoke softly, telling her it would be okay. 

Her panic episode left her exhausted. He got the story in dribs and drabs. Eventually, when she let go of him he went to where she'd left the car and discovered the mangled paint container. Kayla was relieved to hear it wasn't the cat, but she was still shaking. She was very quiet for the rest of the afternoon. They went to bed early and she clung to him for reassurance. He'd never experienced panic to the extent that he could not breathe. He thought, it probably feels like drowning. It was probably  like being water boarded.   

Kayla's episodes made him feel needed, useful. At first he did not know it was different from being wanted. It just felt good to be useful. He understood now that it wasn't that she wanted him. It wasn't the same as how he wanted her. It was like when a child falls and gets hurt. Any adult, or even an older child, can give comfort and physical touch. The child just needs to be reassured that she's not alone. What he needed, what he wanted, from Kayla was to feel that she wanted him. That she liked him and wanted the physical closeness with him. 

He wanted her to look forward to being with him, to want to stay in his company, to want to talk to him. Much of their conversation was criticism from her and him defending. He was certain that if he could change she'd stop criticizing. Eventually when all his kinks had been ironed out she would like being with him. Then they'd talk about other things, a weekend away together. Or plan a dinner party. Ordinary things a wife and husband do together.

They didn't invite people over or go visiting much other than family. It was  always her family. Nathan dreaded these visits. They spoke mostly about other family members. It was about this one's baby or someone's child or aunt or boyfriend. He knew few of the people they spoke about and he knew none of the places that came up in conversation. These ramblings went on and on, where family members had lived and who was where now. It was like they spoke a different language. Occasionally someone would sense that he felt excluded. Then they'd then ask him questions about his interests, politics for instance. That was worse than being left alone. He knew they were not asking out of interest, merely being polite.

He longed for those feelings he had when caring for Kayla. Not that he wanted her to experience bad things and have a panic episode. He wanted to experience taking care of her and her wanting him to be there for her. Without the panic. He will show her how much he cares and create a living space for her where all she wants is available. He longed to be that for her and to be loved and have her wanting him and seeing him as her safe place. 

Selling the expensive house and moving to the country, to a less expensive place was Nathan's idea. The exorbitant levies and taxes and provision funds would immediately end. There would also be some capital. All in all there will be more money monthly. They would be able to afford a better quality lifestyle. He wanted her to have that. For them to enjoy it together.

Kayla wasn't ecstatic, but warmed to the idea gradually. Then threw her full support behind the idea. It was mainly her effort and networking with estate agents that got the house sold very quickly.

Kayla loved the farming community where she lived as a young woman. She would find that again here. He'd buy her a reliable car so she could visit her family whenever she wanted to. He wanted her to have that freedom, know that she can go whenever she liked to and stay as long as she liked. Then "come home" to him. 

Nathan did not have the same need to be with family, to fuss about little ones and older people. That was what Kayla loved. He understood why; they made her feel needed ... they sought her out because she was kind and generous towards them. After all he had the same need to feel wanted, but not from anybody, he needed it from Kayla. 

In a way his relationship with Kayla reminded him of his childhood and his mother. She criticized a lot. Not just Nathan, his father too. It puzzled Nathan that she always demanded more from him. She never praised him for the things he thought he had done well. However, when  she had friends over for a tea party she would tell them how smart he was. She'd tell them how well he did at school, praise him to high heaven. It embarrassed him. He resented what she did. Although it had him seething inside he would just keep quiet.  

She had him recite poems for the ladies or play the piano. He hated the piano and he hated poetry. He had to or she would scold and punish him later. It was puzzling. He felt never-good-enough when he was alone with her. Then when her friends were there he had to listen to what an exceptional child he was. The incongruity was not just frustrating, it made him feel helpless and inadequate. 

He recalled an incident from when he was in grade 10. He was pedantic about his school work because it was so important in pleasing her. In grade 10 he had the highest midyear average in mathematics in the school, 94%. He came first in his class. When he showed her the 94% she said, "You can do even better. I want to see 100%" That was the day he knew he would never be good enough in her eyes. He gave up trying. He barely scraped through grade 11. In grade 12 he did slightly better ... he wanted to finish school so he could get out of the house and away from his mother's criticism.

His relationship with Kayla was different. He wasn't a child. He had resources. He would not give up like he did in grade 10. Nathan knew he could please Kayla and be the man she deserved. A few more weeks and she will come home. They will have the time and opportunity to do couple things, travel, explore, be happy together. His dream put a smile on his face. 

Nathan was happy.  

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 2

 

Preamble

Read chapters in numerical order. The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Had Nathan known anger was Kayla's default approach to differences he may have reconsidered how to handle the next steps in his journey with her. He did not know he would be forced to back down every time. He was unaware of her incapacity to compromise. She had a win-lose style, my-way-or-I'm-gone. But even if he did know, chances are he may still have chosen to let attraction override pragmatism.

Chapter 2

Nathan slept well. The call to Kayla had dispelled his apprehension. The sun was just rising over the hill behind his house. He let Mila out. Then he made himself a cup of coffee. Nathan called his coffee an Amerispresso. The way he made it. an over-extracted smallish Americana, would not muster approval from any self respecting barista. It's how he liked it. They can keep their pretentious standards. 

He enjoyed early mornings outside. Sipping coffee and taking in the fresh surroundings. It wasn't cold. Not a cloud. Only a vapor trail thirty thousand feet up. Tapered. Narrowing in the direction in which the plane was flying. It stretched from the horizon to almost as far as the other extreme of the piece of sky he could see. No sound from what he assumed was probably an Airbus. Where are they going? All those people. Each with his own set of priorities, fears and things to look forward to. 

He returned to his reflections of the previous day, of how they met and the time before they were married. 

They almost did not get married. He thought back on that incident. Episode rather. Or perhaps even an early crisis. It happened even before she moved in with him. They were having breakfast in their favorite coffee shop. Actually it was Kayla's favorite ... she was cost conscious and this particular place provided good value for money. He was less fussy. She normally chose where they went and he even let her order for him most times they ate out.

Kayla was chatting away about her sister's "farewell" party. Madge had landed a contract in Mauritius. She's a nurse. It was a very lucrative contract. Her husband Luke would go with her. Nathan listened. He enjoyed the sound of her voice. He was content, leaning back in his chair, relaxed. One could see it in his expression; he wasn't smiling, just had a relaxed look of happy-to-be-here. That was how he felt inside, happy that a chance meeting had brought his life partner to him. A life partner for their shared golden years. 

When Kayla announced that Madge's party would be the following Friday he realized it was the same day as Rosalind's 21st. Rosalind is his only grandchild, he's son, Shawn's child. He told Kayla and suggested she go to her sister's party and he'd go to Rosalind's event. 

"But I want you there!" she exclaimed loudly putting down her fork with a clang. "I want my husband-to-be to be there." 

Nathan was caught off guard by the intensity of her response. "It's a reasonable compromise, darling. Surely you understand I can't not go to my grandchild's 21st?" 

"Is this how it's going to be? You call the shots?" She was visibly angry. 

Her anger shocked him. This was crazy; a grandchild's 21st birthday was an event he could, not miss. "Look," he tried again,"it's not a train smash. I'll go to Rosalind's celebration. I'll leave as soon as all the important rituals have been completed. Hopefully Madge's event will still be going and I will join you there."

Nathan was dumbfounded, his thoughts in turmoil. How could two people not resolve a simple matter such as a clash of important events? Two people who plan to get married! What did he do wrong? Call the shots!? Is that how she saw it? He was searching for middle ground.

He did not finish his breakfast. He just sat there for a long time, feeling stunned. Then he got up and left, determined to wait for calm to return before making any decisions. This was not the time to figure out what to do next. He needed to be calm. At this moment he saw only two options, let her go or try and repair the situation?  

Later, when relatively calm Nathan tried to reason with himself. He'd already decided he'd call Kayla. He had no idea what he would say to her. He would not say sorry for something that was not his fault? In fact it would be more appropriate for Kayla to apologize for her anger and  storming out. He wanted the the tension between them resolved. At the same time he felt coerced. He knew her well enough already to realize she would not say, sorry, I don't know what came over me. Or, sorry, can we start over? She had put herself in a position from which she could not pivot. If there was going to be making up, he would have to initiate it. 

Did she do it on purpose? Do it to coerce him into being submissive?

There was an inconvenient clash of events. It happens. He could not change the date of Rosalind's birthday or Madge's farewell party! It's simple ... find the best compromise. Any rational person can see that and realize the best way out is to make some concessions. Getting angry and storming out was irrational and compounded the problem.

Instead, if he wanted the relationship, he would have to suck up to her. He loathed it. It would be like self betrayal, took him back to when he was four years old. At that age one has nothing. You can't leave. You had to pretend all's well, suck it up while seething inside.   

"You wanna get married to someone who behaves like this? And early in the relationship on top of it?" he asked himself. 

It was hard to not see the red flag, but he was reluctant to acknowledge it. He understood the possible implications. The feeling of wanting to repair the damage persisted anyway. In his job he was known for finding middle ground when there were disagreements; he could be counted on to restore composure and lead adversaries to calm waters ... yes lead even when he was not the project leader or boss. He was good at it, but then he needed participation. When someone stomps off the scene there's not much that can be done.

He was also known for his dogged persistence. Often bordering on plain  stubbornness. He actually took pride in his tendency to be mulish; it had served him well most times. A friend once described him as, when a plank for a shelf is too short, Nathan will flip it round to make absolutely sure it didn't fit. 

So, the first thing to do is re-engage, get back to at least talking. He could repair the damage once communication was reestablished ... it's his comfort zone, the process of creating reconciliation, accommodating and adapting. Perhaps comfort zone was the wrong word. Perhaps more of a knee-jerk reaction, choosing uncomfortable but familiar over pragmatic.

He could not just give up his dream of golden years with Kayla. Letting the dream go was against his will; it felt like a loss. The fact is he wanted her to love him. He was forced to acknowledge he was already in love with Kayla, wanted to care for her and be protective. He was more than ready to forgive her rash and explosive action. It would be like one  overlooks the impulsive outburst of a child. And it made him feel good to see himself in that role, strong, caring and unselfish.  

The call went much better than he expected. Her tone was frosty but she did not hang up. A good start. 

He repeated what he had told her in the coffee shop, "It's two important events. There's a clash. It's not something we can't work through. Let's you and I take hands, face the difficulty together and together figure out what we will do."

More silence. He could sense her simmering resentment. And then, "I wanted you taken up into my family, be a part of it ... to show and have them recognize that you are an integral part of my family. You putting me last in line is not what I signed up for."

This time he kept quiet. It's a practical problem ... nobody is to blame for anything. Why is she making out like she's a victim? And that he had caused it! 

She went on for what seemed a long time, keeping her victim stance. She accused him of being inconsiderate and autocratic. He let her carry on. Eventually she ran out of accusations. They did not agree on a compromise. They never spoke about it again.

Friday came and he went to Rosalind's 21st. He left reasonably early and then joined Kayla at her sister's farewell event.

In the days following the incident he kept rehashing in his mind what had transpired. He still saw it as merely a clash of dates, a simple, unfortunate twist of fate. He still felt it should have been an easily resolvable problem. It need not have caused the tension in their relationship that it had. 

He appreciated Kayla's position, disappointment. It had made her feel like she was the victim. He rejected that it was his fault and would not accept blame for it. Perhaps he could have handled it differently. He still did not see her as being a victim. Not even a victim of circumstances.

Did she really believe she is the victim here or is she deliberately manipulating him? No, he ruled out manipulation. She genuinely felt that she was being disadvantaged. She was very convincing about how she saw the situation. It had Nathan questioning his own judgement. Whatever the reality, he did not see himself as a candidate for being manipulated. Not blatant manipulation anyway. Could it possibly be his blind spot?  No, he ruled out manipulation.

Perhaps he was too used to making decisions on his own. He'd been single for a long time and was not accustomed to consulting with a partner. Perhaps making decisions without having to consult a partner had become a habit. Now he felt she was trying to take away his independence. Could it be that he had overreacted?

There were a number of unanswered questions.

In the end he settled for somewhere between the two extremes. His view was still, it's an unfortunate clash of dates, easily resolved. On the other extreme, Kayla's take, unreasonable demands, an infringement on her rights. He probably could have handled it differently. Blamed himself for being somewhat insensitive and undertook to tread carefully in future. It was all part of getting to know one another.

Their relationship survived a number of these. Despite the ups and downs they honored the decision they'd made. They took the decision seriously and were committed to getting married. Kayla did most of the arrangements. When she had done her browsing for rings she took him to the jewelry shop and showed him her choice. It was not an expensive ring. Kayla was practical about money matters. "What do you think? Do you like it?" He could see she was nervous. Probably worried he may object.

"Darling it's lovely." She relaxed visibly when he continued with, "You happy with it is nine tenths of what's important to me." 

Before the ring she'd already arranged the pastor and the celebration venue. Nathan wanted an ante-nuptial contract. Her first reaction was to resist. Her first marriage was by community of property. She explained that it symbolized trust in one another for her. 

They discussed it and Nathan insisted. It was also for her protection. That her assets, although she had little at the moment, could not be seized to pay his debt. His debt was also small at the moment. But one couldn't predict the future. To him it was a simple, practical thing. 

She arranged that too. Within days she presented the paperwork for him to sign. It was the standard contract she said. He did no bother to read it. Even if he did he would probably not understand what it said. They did not sign the actual contract paper. He signed a power of attorney for the attorney's paralegal to sign the ante-nuptial contract on their behalf. That was practical since the signing of the actual contract had to be  in the Deeds Office before the relevant official. Bureaucracy! He hated bureaucracy.

Nathan actually was at arms length from all the arrangements related to the ceremony. He bought Kayla a gold chain for a wedding gift on the day and he paid for the caterer and some other things. That was it. She did everything. He just had to show up. 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 1

Preamble

This story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Empathy is an essential skill for building relationships. But people with  high empathy often struggle to set boundaries.

We are all narcissistic to a degree. But people with high narcissism are hard to satisfy and struggle to find contentment. 

This is a story about the difficulties in a relationship between Nathan who's high empathy and Kayla who's high narcissistic.

Both struggle. The story emphasizes the toxic dance they are in, the painful consequences of their compulsive behaviors. Responsibility for causing the pain is shared between the two. Responsibility for healing is the individual's.

Chapter 1

The sudden change from silence to the loud ringing of the church bell brought him back to the present. Nathan was standing in the back garden drinking his third coffee of the morning. He'd been rehearing the conversation he intended having with Kayla. Are church bells still commonly used to call people to the service? In villages? In the outlying areas of the Karroo, yes, but  in the city? A dying tradition probably. What proportion of city people even go to church? 

The church is not far from their new home. Will Kayla become a regular church goer here? She's a person who prays daily, probably many times daily. She loves the community and the social component of church life. Her bible is worn, its cover bent and cracked. It's dog eared pages are brown in patches from fingering. Many passages underlined and much of the white space on favorite pages filled with notes. He smiled to himself remembering with amusement the shape of her bible. Kayla's bible had given up looking like a regular book. When put down it would slew crookedly. A bunch of pages held together by a spine no longer stiff enough to keep them tightly together.

Munch announced herself and took him out of his thought world. He spent a lot of time there normally, in thought, whether there were people around or not. When with Kayla he did less thinking, less living in his head, but not much less. And it was a different kind of thinking. A defensive scrutiny of options. Always trying to second guess her. It was hard saying something that didn't aggravate her. He knew it is a form of control ... trying to control her reaction and how she treats him.

Munch wagged her tail furiously, dog-smiling and bobbing up and down. This is her walking time. Dogs are so much easier to get on with. They enjoy simple things, don't get angry and you cannot disappoint them. She'd be excited about going for a walk. Always enjoyed every moment, smelling everything along the way and meeting other dogs. Then you say, okay, let's go back home now and she's equally excited about going home. There's no anger or disappointment that the walk is over.  

He put his empty cup down on the outside table, picked up her leash and started walking towards the gate. Munch followed in her usual style, excited, running to the gate then back to him then to the gate again. It is her best experience for the day. The air was cold, but the exercise would warm him up soon enough.

Half the fun of walking was to watch Munch enjoy everything along the way. Sometimes Nathan would chat over the fence with someone. Or he'd discover something new along the familiar path. But it was her delight at smells and little things that entertained Nathan the most. And it offered a lesson to be learnt; dogs don't distinguish between "nice" smells and "bad" smells ... a dog knows only interesting smells and very interesting smells. 

Kayla took an instant dislike to the dog the day he arrived home with her. Perhaps not a dislike of Munch so much as an opportunity to vent her displeasure at him. For not discussing the adoption with her before he went and collected the animal. His daughter, Linda, told him about Munch. Her owners had experienced a series of financial upheavals. Then there was a suicide and they just packed up, dumped the dog and left ... the family had had too much and just gave up.

On the way there he'd already made up his mind to adopt her. Other abandoned dogs at the shelter were candidates, but Munch's story saddened him. He responded to the sadness he felt and chose her. She was hesitant for only a moment and then stuck her face in his hands and that was it. He'd deal with Kayla's disapproval. He knew there would be disapproval; Kayla disapproved of anything he did. It was how their relationship had become. Or possibly how it had always been.  

The walk with Munch was always brisk. She pulled on the leash wanting to explore every interesting smell along the way, but he was used to the pulling. It did not distract him. This morning he reflected, wondered, when did Kayla's discontent start? Was she happy at one stage and then he became a liability? Or had it been there from the start and he was just slow to notice?

Kayla and Nathan met in an underground parking garage in the building where he worked. It was a few months before his retirement, his second retirement. His employer talked him into a new contract after he retired the first time at 58. Now, three years later he was really  going to stop. He'd left the office early to go to the grocery store on his way home. On the way to his car he noticed a woman leaning against her car in a waiting-for-someone pose. She was attractive and he guessed probably ten years younger than him. She seemed irritated and concerned. 

Normally he'd just ignore it and continue on his way, but something made him stop to check. 

"Everything OK?" he asked as he got to where she was, a few bays from where his own car was parked.

"No," she said with a mixture of irritation and concern, "my battery is dead. Again. I'm stuck."

"Let me help? Find jumper cables and see if we can get you going?" he offered.

"That's what my neighbor helped me do this morning," she smiled, " a 'band aid solution' and now it's dead again. I've called Mr Battery to come help me here and replace it. I have an important meeting tomorrow morning and I don't want the same thing happening again and be late. Fix it properly this time." 

Normally, at this point, he'd definitely just go on his way. Her problem was taken care of. It was just a matter of time, but he didn't want to. He realized with some surprise, he was very much attracted to her.  

"How long? Did they give you an indication?" he asked.

"It's frustrating;" she sighed, "he's on another call and I will wait my turn. Probably less than an hour. The thing is I've had this jumper lead start a few times and I decided to get it done properly this time. So I wait."

She was smiling and no longer sounded irritated. She probably was pleased that he was concerned enough about her situation to not just walk on.

"Call him again," Nathan said on impulse, "and ask him to give you a call when he arrives or when he's near here. Then you and I have a cup of coffee while you wait? My name's Nathan."

She gave him a sideways look with a half-smile. "You know what? That's a lot better than hanging around a basement parking. Kayla ... pleased to meet you."

She called the battery guy from their table in the coffee shop. Nathan was attracted to her. He had a near empty social life, been on few dates and was not actively looking for a relationship, but this was nice. She was chatty and smiled a lot and he imagined she may even find him attractive too. He assumed she was single .. no rings.

His assumption was correct, she had been divorced for nearly three years. He did not have to do much talking. She chatted away about everything and anything. Nathan liked that; he was not a chatty person. In a social gathering he was always at the back, didn't like attention. Kayla worked not far from the parking area where her car was, a front office job at an insurance company. That figures, he thought, she's an outgoing person, likes working with people. He preferred working with things, computers, workshop equipment. 

She ordered wine and Nathan ordered a coffee. 

"Is it too early for a drink for you?" she asked. It was past 5 o'clock.

"I have done enough drinking for one lifetime," he replied jokingly. "I'm what they call a recovering alcoholic," he elaborated. "Been off alcohol for fifteen years, attend AA meetings, sponsor, the whole show." He may as well get that out in the open. He wanted to see her again and the sooner his addiction is spoken about the better. Some people shy away from "recovering alcoholic". They picture tattered clothes, homeless, sitting in a bar at 11 o'clock in the morning. Nathan had just had enough one day. He had been drinking every day for a long time, alone or with friends. He had become overweight, couldn't stay awake evenings. And then couldn't sleep when he went to bed. All his "friendships" had just one thing in common, drinking.

He had lived this way for many years. He knew about AA. One night he called. The man who answered gave him another number. He called there. It was a female voice, Anne, 

She came straight to the point, "There's a meeting tomorrow evening. You be there. Tonight you pray. Get something to write with ... I'll give you the address. I'll see you there tomorrow."

Kayla's phone rang. It was the battery guy. They'd been talking and laughing together for almost a three quarter hour. They had confirmed that this was pleasant and let's do it again. Nathan felt lifted by her conversation and the attention he'd received. She asked for his number and keyed it in on her phone. His phone buzzed once as she called and then clicked off again. 

They stood up. She touched his arm and smiling said, "Thank you for waiting with me and for the wine. My number is on your phone," and left.

He stayed at the table for a while just reflecting on the chance meeting. He liked her and would call and arrange to see her again. It wasn't excitement he felt. More like a warm easy feeling of having known someone for a long time. Comfortable. Yes there was some excitement too, a calm and relaxed feeling of anticipation. He left money on the table, enough to cover the bill and something for the staff. On his way back to his car, he reflected on their time together at the coffee shop. What were the feelings he had now? He liked the anticipation of getting to know Kayla better. Perhaps even more than just getting to know her. Maybe wait a day and then call to arrange a second meeting. 

Nathan was acutely aware of the closeness he felt towards Kayla. He wondered if she had similar feelings. He sensed a warm positiveness from her side. He called her the next day and asked her out for an early dinner. They decided on the Friday evening. He picked her up and they drove to a harbor restaurant he'd chosen. 

They arrived at the restaurant well before sunset and decided to go for a walk along the beach before going in. The beach was flat and hard. It was low tide. She was talking and laughing, looking up at him. He guided her away from some seaweed in the line of where she was walking. She did not let go of his arm. They continued walking, Kayla chatting and holding on to his arm. A comfortable and spontaneous togetherness. 

Munch pulling on the leash brought him out of his reflections. She'd spotted Ada and Jack. Ada was his neighbor. She was walking Jack. Munch pulled him to the two and he and Ada stood talking while the dogs sniffed at one another. It's a quiet street and they stood in the middle of the road talking about the weather and the dogs for a while. A car came along and Ada turned towards her gate. He and Munch went inside. 

He was still rehearsing his telephone call to Kayla. She had been staying with her family in the city while he was doing renovations to the new old house. 

Kayla had been very clear; she'd stay in the city till the renovations were done. She's not one for inconvenience. In fact she'd left and went to her son and daughter in law two weeks before the big move. She packed her personal stuff and some of the kitchen things and linen. Then found a removal company, made the arrangement and left Nathan to handle the rest of the move. 

The call to Kayla he was shaping in his mind was to give her an update on progress. Also tell her he had transferred money to  her account to cover her expenses. The renovation had gone well. Progress was good. He'd concentrated on the areas that he knew was important to her, the bathroom, and bedroom, mirrors, dressing table and wardrobe space. They were simple things to discuss ... a simple discussion between husband and wife. But he went over what he would say anyway, knowing it could easily become a disagreement and an argument. It had been the pattern of their marriage; anything at any time could become an argument.

He would start off with pleasantries, "How are you, darling. I miss you ... it's been a long time"

Quickly move to the money part, "I did an EFT this morning. Check your bank account later. They indicate 24 to 48 hours, but most times the transaction happens the same day."

She was probably less concerned about how the renovation was progressing. He'd tell her about the things  that interested her anyway. "The bathroom fittings were delivered yesterday. I've arranged for the plumber to start day after tomorrow. That will be a messy job. The walls need to be chased to fit the additional pipes ... cement dust gets in everywhere no matter what precautions one takes. That will be the last of the really 'dirty' work and the painting can then begin. I miss you, but it's still a building site here and you don't want to be here for at least three more weeks."

By late afternoon he still had not made the call to Kayla. "Why am I tail-dragging? Call! I will make our relationship work. I know what's important to her. Maybe I could not give her enough of what she deserved up to now ... not possible with the pension increases lagging behind the levies ... municipal taxes, special levies and provisions of the previous house. Let alone the general cost of living increases".

"Another few weeks. Maybe three weeks is too short a time, but I will work my ass off. This place will be comfortable and above all affordable. This time I will prevent any feelings of discontent. I know I've said it before, but this time will be different. I want her to have what she wants. There will be no reason for complaints and discontent."

"I hope she likes it," he continued the conversation with himself.  "I want it to be good. I want her to stop being discontented. I dislike feeling inadequate. I want her to like being with me, to like me and want to be with me. To not see me as the obstacle between her and what she wants." 

The call went better than he expected. She was pleasant and chatted away about what she was doing. About her grandchild and enjoying time with her family. She even spoke about joining him sooner, not waiting until the renovations were done. This was the Kayla he loved, the woman he married and the one he wanted there always as they grew old together.