Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 5

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is not superstitious. However, he respects dreams ... they may contain messages about something in the subconscious that the dreamer does not yet know consciously e.g. a blind spot, a concept inaccessible to the analytical mind. He does not believe in popular dream theories like dreaming of a snake might be a symbol of hidden threats, deceit, or betrayal in your life or untrustworthy people. 

His belief is that a dream, especially a repetitive dream, is a metaphor of what your subconscious wants to communicate to you. It's a coded message and the dreamer has to decode it for himself in order to understand the actual message. 

Chapter 5

Lucas, the painter, was well known in the village for work of reasonable quality. He was perhaps better known for his tendency to hit the bottle. It did not bother Nathan that Lucas sometimes drank ... he could monitor the situation. Drunk on the job would not be tolerated. He made that clear. He told Lucas that he, Nathan, was a recovering alcoholic and knew all the excuses and behaviors of addicts first hand. They joked about the fact that sometimes when having had a few one's opinion of the quality of one's work gets elevated unrealistically and you don't comprehend that it's actually a very bad job. They had agreed that drunk on the job would result in stop immediately, go home, no pay for the day.

Progress had been good and quality was better than acceptable. Surface preparation of the living-kitchen space had been done. The main bedroom was done. Cadhla had told him she had met a woman who would give her a ride towards the end of the following week. This was good. Almost enough time to finish painting and he did not have to go and fetch her in the city. The woman would bring her to within 50 kilometers of here.

He was still apprehensive. No, he was worried. Cadhla had seen only photos of the house in it's original state. It had the advantage though that any improvements he'd made since then would stand out for her. Originally the interior was dark. The previous owner liked hard colors, olive green, dark cream. There were two walls painted maroon! Nathan decided everything would be white. He ripped out all the blinds and curtains that had been left behind. He'd already ordered lightweight, pale color, blinds. "Double Fabric Roller Blinds – a stylish and modern solution for controlling light levels. Featuring alternating sheer and solid stripes across two layers of fabric," read the advert. He interpreted this to mean  that they could be adjusted between see-through-lace state and solid-regular-blind state.

To Nathan the new place wasn't a roof over one's head, a place to stay. It was tightly coupled to their relationship. If Cadhla liked being there they would have a wonderful life together. The new place, their relationship and their future happiness were interlinked. He struggled to find words for the powerful feelings he had about making their relationship work. Nathan wanted trust, forgiveness, acceptance, care for one another to drive their interaction. He loved imagining himself in the role of her caretaker and friend ... didn't want to feel like her adversary and constantly the obstacle between her and her happiness. He felt he was teetering on the brink of an abyss and would fall into dark nothingness if he lost Cadhla. There was nothing if he let their relationship fail. 

So, fearful of tumbling into nothingness, he worked furiously to establish their dream living space. He got up early again today and would spend most of the day on his feet, supervising the work and doing some of it himself. He fell into bed exhausted most evenings, sometimes without having an evening meal. 

It's okay, he thought to himself. He did not resent the work. When tired he'd remind himself, it's for us. 

Nathan woke up from The Dream. Most times, when he woke up from a dream he would know he had dreamed but could not remember it. The Dream was different. He dreamt it often and could remember details. It had to be significant. It had the same feel each time. Not the same details, but always the same underlying message. It's a question actually, what is this "something" I'm searching for, always searching but I never find it? I don't even know what it is? What is the meaning of all the frustrations and obstacles throughout the entire dream?

In his dream he would be retired from his nine-to-five office job. Then he would have to go back to the old workplace for "something." It was very puzzling. He did not know what it was that he had to go back for, but there was an urgent, compelling need to find it.

Sometimes he had difficulty finding the right motorway to get to the building. Often he experienced problems finding the right motorway to get out of the city and back home again. There were many one-ways around the building where he had worked, which complicated the job of getting to the building and away on the right road to get back home. 

The building was undergoing renovation, always in the process of a major renovation. When he arrived it was a problem to find the entrance to the underground parking and once he'd parked the car he had to search for a way to the foyer. Elevators were out of action or took him to the wrong floor. Often he'd get stuck between floors. There were boarded up passages. Doors would lead him into dead end spaces. In that way it was a nightmare. In one of the episodes he went up in a stairwell and suddenly the steps ended. He could see where they continued higher up but between the two pieces of still intact staircase was a dark hole, no visible bottom, he could not possibly bring himself to attempt a jump across. 

There were people. Some he recognized from his actual working days in that job. He would talk to them, ask where to find someone who could help him find what he was looking for. They were always polite but never able to assist. 

Finally, none the wiser, he'd give up and leave the building. Only to have similar struggles finding a way out, locating his car and finding the right motorway to take him back home.

Despite the fact that he did not believe in popular interpretations of dreams he had once Googled, "broken stairs dreams". He found, "A broken staircase in a dream is often perceived as an ominous symbol. The stairs can represent progress, growth, and transition. When these elements are broken or damaged, the dreamer might feel overwhelmed by obstacles or setbacks. This article will explore various interpretations of broken staircases in dreams and provide insights into their possible meanings and significance; Overcoming Challenges, Fear of Change, Self-Doubt, Unresolved Emotions ..."

He lay awake for some minutes, pondering again the information from Google. What challenges, what changes, what self-doubt? Perhaps, yes, but he still had no clue what "something " he was searching for. He did not want to know he was in "Fear of Change" he wanted to know what were those changes he was fearful of making. The dream may be a metaphor, but it was also a complete mystery. 

Realizing he would not immediately fall asleep again he got up  to make coffee. Those he told about drinking coffee at night, that it settled his anxiety or racing thoughts and helped him sleep were incredulous. He supposed it had little to do with the coffee ... anything he did to break the cycle of thoughts would probably help him sleep. So what, he had a high tolerance to caffeine and it worked for him and so that's what he did.

It was after 3 when he went back to bed. 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 1

Preamble

This story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Empathy is an essential skill for all kinds of relationships. But people with very high levels of it may have a hard time setting boundaries between themselves and others. 

We are all narcissistic to a degree. But people with high levels of narcissism are hard to satisfy and struggle to find contentment. This is a story about the difficulties in a relationship between Nathan who's high empathy and Kayla who's high narcissistic.

Both struggle. The story emphasizes the toxic dance they are in, the painful consequences of their compulsive behaviors. Responsibility for causing the pain is shared between the two characters. Responsibility for healing is the individual's.

Chapter 1

The sudden change from silence to the loud ringing of the church bell brought him back to the present. Nathan was standing in the back garden drinking his third coffee of the morning while rehearsing the conversation he intended having with Kayla. He wondered if church bells are still commonly used to call people to the service. In villages, in the outlying areas of the Karroo, yes, but  in the city? A dying tradition probably. What proportion of city people even go to church? 

The church is not far from the new home. Will Kayla become a regular church goer here? She is a person who prays daily, probably many times daily. She loves the community and the social component of church life. Her bible is worn, its cover bent and cracked, dog eared pages that are brown in patches from fingering, many passages underlined and much of the white space on favorite pages filled with notes. He smiled to himself remembering with amusement the shape of her bible. Kayla's bible had given up looking like a regular book. When put down it would slew crookedly, a bunch of pages held together by a spine that no longer had the stiffness to keep them tightly together in a rectangular shape. 

Munch announced herself and took him out of his thought world. He spent a lot of time there normally, in thought, whether there were people around or not. When with Kayla he did less thinking, less living in his head, but not much less. And it was a different kind of thinking. A kind of  defensive scrutiny of options, trying to second guess her and worrying about how to prevent her from becoming aggravated. He knew it is a form of control ... trying to control how she treats him.

Munch wagged her tail furiously, dog-smiling and bobbing up and down. This is her walking time. Dogs are so much easier to get on with. They enjoy simple things, don't get angry and you cannot disappoint them. She'd be excited about going for a walk, enjoy the walking and smelling everything along the way and meeting other dogs. Then you say, okay, let's go back home now and she's equally excited about going home. There's no anger or disappointment that the walk is over.  

He put his empty cup down on the outside table, picked up her leash and started walking towards the gate. Munch followed in her usual style, excited, running to the gate then back to him then to the gate again. It is her best experience for the day. The air was cold, but the exercise would warm him up soon enough.

For Nathan watching her enjoy everything along the path they walked every day was more than half the fun of their morning walk. He'd sometimes chat over the fence with someone or discover something new along the familiar path, but her delight at smells and little things amused Nathan. And it offered a lesson to be learnt; dogs don't distinguish between "nice" smells and "bad" smells ... a dog knows only interesting smells and very interesting smells. 

Kayla took an instant dislike to the dog the day he arrived home with her. Perhaps not a dislike of Munch so much as an opportunity to vent her displeasure at him not discussing the adoption with her before he went and collected the animal. His daughter, Linda, told him about Munch. Her owners had experienced a series of financial upheavals. Then there was a suicide and they just packed up, dumped the dog and left ... the family had had too much and just gave up.

On the way there he'd already made up his mind to adopt her. Certainly other dogs at the shelter, also abandoned, were candidates, but he knew Munch's story and he responded to the sadness he felt. She was hesitant for only a moment and then stuck her face in his hands and that was it. He'd deal with Kayla's disapproval. He knew there would be disapproval; Kayla disapproved of anything he did. It was how their relationship had become. Or possibly how it had always been.  

The walk with Munch was always brisk. She pulled on the leash wanting to explore every interesting smell along the way, but he was used to the pulling. It did not distract him. This morning he reflected, wondered, when did Kayla's  discontent start? Was she happy at one stage and then he became a liability? Or had it been there from the start and he was just slow to notice?

They met in an underground parking garage in the building where he worked. It was a few months before his retirement, his second retirement. His employer talked him into a new contract after he retired the first time at 58. Now, three years later he was really  going to stop. He'd left the office early to go to the grocery store on his way home. Approaching his car he noticed a woman leaning against her car in a waiting-for-someone pose. She was attractive and he guessed probably ten years younger than him. She seemed irritated and concerned. 

Normally he'd just ignore it and continue on his way, but something made him stop to check. 

"Everything OK?" he asked as he got to where she was, a few bays from where his own car was parked.

"No," she said with a mixture of irritation and concern, "my battery is dead. Again. I'm stuck."

"Let me help? Find jumper cables and see if we can get you going?" he offered.

"That's what my neighbor helped me do this morning," she smiled, " a 'band aid solution' and now it's dead again. I've called Mr Battery to come help me here and replace it because I have an important meeting tomorrow morning and I don't want the same thing happening again and be late. Fix it properly this time." 

Normally, at this point, he'd definitely just go on his way. Her problem was taken care of. It was just a matter of time, but he didn't want to. He realized with some surprise, he was very much attracted to her.  

"How long? Did they give you an indication?" he asked.

"It's frustrating;" she sighed, "he is on another call and I will wait my turn. Probably less than an hour. The thing is I've had this jumper lead start a few times and I decided to get it done properly this time. So I wait."

She was smiling and no longer sounded irritated. She probably was pleased that he was concerned enough about her situation to not just walk on.

"Call him again," Nathan said on impulse, "and ask him to give you a call when he arrives or when he's near here. Then you and I have a cup of coffee while you wait? My name's Nathan."

She gave him a sideways look with a half-smile. "You know what? That's a lot better than hanging around a basement parking. Kayla ... pleased to meet you."

She called the battery guy from their table in the coffee shop. Nathan was attracted to her. He had a near empty social life, been on few dates and was not actively looking for a relationship, but this was nice. She was chatty and smiled a lot and he imagined she may even find him attractive too. He assumed she was single .. no rings.

His assumption was correct, she had been divorced for nearly three years. He did not have to do much talking. She chatted away about everything and anything. Nathan liked that; he was not a chatty person. In a social gathering he was always at the back, didn't like attention. Kayla worked not far from the parking area where her car was, a front office job at an insurance company. That figures, he thought, she's an outgoing person, likes working with people. He preferred working with things, computers, workshop equipment. 

She ordered wine and Nathan ordered a coffee. 

"Is it too early for a drink for you?" she asked. It was past 5 o'clock.

"I have done enough drinking for one lifetime," he replied jokingly. He elaborated, he was in recovery, had been off alcohol for fifteen years, attended AA meetings, sponsor, the whole show. He may as well get that out in the open. He wanted to see her again and the sooner his addiction is spoken about the better. Some people shy away from "recovering alcoholic". They picture tattered clothes, homeless, sitting in a bar at 11 o'clock in the morning. Nathan had just had enough one day. He had been drinking every day for a long time, alone or with friends. He had become overweight, couldn't stay awake evenings and then couldn't sleep when he went to bed and all his "friendships" had just one thing in common, drinking.

He knew about AA. One night he called. The man who answered gave him another number. He called there. It was a female voice, Anne, 

She came straight to the point, "There's a meeting tomorrow evening. You be there. Tonight you pray. Get something to write with ... I'll give you the address. I'll see you there tomorrow."

Kayla's phone rang. It was the battery guy. They'd been talking and laughing together for almost a three quarter hour. They had confirmed that this was pleasant and let's do it again. Nathan felt lifted by her conversation and the attention he'd received. She asked for his number and keyed it in on her phone. His phone buzzed once as she called and then clicked off again. 

They stood up. She touched his arm and smiling said, "Thank you for waiting with me and for the wine. My number is on your phone," and left.

He stayed at the table for a while just reflecting on the chance meeting. He liked her and would call and arrange to see her again. It wasn't excitement he felt. More like a warm easy feeling of having known someone for a long time. Comfortable. Yes there was some excitement too, a calm and relaxed feeling of anticipation. He left money on the table, enough to cover the bill and something for the staff. He thought as he walked slowly back to his car, he'd enjoy the anticipation of getting to know Kayla better, perhaps even more than just getting to know her. Maybe wait a day and then call to arrange a second meeting. 

In the coffee shop after meeting in the parking garage Nathan was acutely aware of the closeness he felt towards Kayla. He wondered if she had similar feelings. He sensed a warm positiveness from her side. He called her the next day and asked her out for an early dinner. They decided on the Friday evening. He picked her up and they drove to a harbor restaurant he'd chosen. 

Arriving there well before sunset they decided to go for a walk along the beach before going into the restaurant. The beach was flat and hard. It was low tide. She was talking and laughing, looking up at him. He guided her away from some seaweed in the line of where she was walking. She did not let go of his arm and they walked the rest of the way to the restaurant, Kayla chatting and holding on to his arm. A comfortable and spontaneous togetherness. 

Munch was pulling on the leash. She'd spotted Ada and Jack. Ada was his neighbor. She was walking Jack. Munch pulled him to the two and he and Ada stood talking while the dogs sniffed at one another. It's a quiet street and they stood in the middle of the road talking about the weather and the dogs for a while. He and Munch went inside. He was still rehearsing his telephone call to Kayla. She had been staying with her family in the city while he was doing renovations to the new old house. 

Kayla had been very clear; she'd stay in the city till the renovations were done. She's not one for inconvenience. In fact she'd left and went to her son and daughter in law two weeks before the big move. She packed her personal stuff and some of the kitchen things and linen. Then found a removal company, made the arrangement and left Nathan to handle the rest of the move. 

The call to Kayla he was shaping in his mind was to give her an update on progress and tell her he had transferred money to  her account to cover her expenses. The renovation had gone well, progress was good and he'd focused on the areas that he knew was important to her, the bathroom, and bedroom, mirrors, dressing table and wardrobe space. They were simple things to discuss ... a simple discussion between husband and wife, but he went over what he would say anyway, knowing it could easily become a disagreement and an argument. It had been the pattern of their marriage; anything at any time could become an argument.

He would start off with pleasantries, "How are you, darling. I miss you ... it's been a long time"

Quickly move to the money part, "I did an EFT this morning. Check your bank account later. They indicate 24 to 48 hours, but most times the transaction happens the same day."

She was probably less concerned about how the renovation was progressing, but he'd talk about some of the things  that would interest her, "The bathroom fittings were delivered yesterday. I've arranged for the plumber to start day after tomorrow. That will be a messy job. The walls need to be chased to fit the additional pipes ... cement dust gets in everywhere no matter what precautions one takes. That will be the last of the really 'dirty' work and the painting can then begin. I miss you, but it's still a building site here and you don't want to be here for at least three more weeks."

By late afternoon he still had not made the call to Kayla. "Why am I tail-dragging? Call! I will make our relationship work. I know what's important to her. Maybe I could not give her enough of what she deserved up to now ... not possible with the pension increases lagging behind the levies, municipal taxes, special levies and provisions of the previous house. Let alone the general cost of living increases.

"Another few weeks. Maybe three weeks is too short a time, but I will work my ass off. This place will be comfortable and above all affordable. This time I will prevent any feelings of discontent. I know I've said it before, but this time will be different. I want her to have what she wants. There will be no reason for complaints and discontent.

"I hope she likes it," he continued the conversation with himself.  "I want it to be good. I want her to stop being discontented. I dislike feeling inadequate. I want her to like being with me, to like me and want to be with me. To not see me as the obstacle between her and what she wants." 

The call went better than he expected. She was pleasant and chatted away about what she was doing, her grandchild, enjoying time with her family. She even spoke about joining him sooner, not waiting until the renovations were done. This was the Kayla he loved, the woman he married and the one he wanted there always as they grew old together. 

They almost did not get married. He thought back on that incident, episode rather. Or perhaps even an early crisis. It happened even before she moved in with him. They were having breakfast in their favorite coffee shop. Actually it was Kayla's favorite ... she was cost conscious and  this particular place provided good value for money. He was less fussy. She normally chose where they went and he even let her order for him most times they ate out.

Kayla was chatting away about her sister's "farewell" party. Madge had landed a contract in Mauritius. She's a nurse. It was a very lucrative contract. Her husband Luke would go with her. Nathan listened. He enjoyed the sound of her voice.  He was content, leaning back in his chair, relaxed. One could see it in his expression; he wasn't smiling, just had a relaxed look of happy-to-be-here. That was how he felt inside, happy that a chance meeting had brought his life partner to him, a life partner for their shared golden years.  

When Kayla announced that Madge's party would be the following Friday he realized it was the same day as Rosalind's 21st. Rosalind is his only grandchild, he's son, Shawn's child. He told Kayla and suggested she go to her sister's party and he'd go to Rosalind's event. 

"But I want you there!" she exclaimed loudly putting down her fork with a clang. "I want my husband-to-be to be there." 

Nathan was caught off guard by the intensity of her response. "It's a reasonable  compromise, darling. Surely you understand I can't not go to my grandchild's 21st?" 

"Is this how it's going to be? You call the shots?" She was visibly angry. 

Her anger shocked him. This was crazy; a grandchild's 21st birthday was an event he could, not miss. "Look," he tried again,"it's not a train smash. I'll go to Rosalind's celebration and leave as soon as all the important rituals have been completed. Hopefully Madge's event will still be going and I will join you there."

"If that's how it's going to be between us I don't want it. It's over!" and she got up, took her things and literally stomped out of the coffee shop.

Nathan was dumbfounded, his thoughts in turmoil. How could two people not resolve a simple matter such as a clash of important events? Two people who plan to get married! What did he do wrong? Call the shots!? Is that how she saw it? He was searching for middle ground.

He did not finish his breakfast. He just sat there for a long time, feeling stunned. Then he got up and left, determined to wait for calm to return before making any decisions. This is not the time to figure out what to do next. He needed to be calm. At this moment he saw only two options, let her go or try and repair the situation?