Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 11

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan takes others' words at face value. He trusts. Because he sees no value in being devious, he believes others will not deliberately mislead him. 

Chapter 11 

Rachel's words, "Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" came as a shock. They kept playing over and over in his mind. Is it possible? Is that what his subconscious, through the broken staircase dream, is trying to tell him? That he's looking for love where it doesn't exist? Deep inside him, he already knows, but does he push it aside because it's not what he wants?

The uncomfortable silence between them lasted for some days. Kayla sleeping in the spare room. He knew from past experience that for him to try and normalize the situation would be useless. He had to wait in discomfort till she came to him. Kayla seemed to get something from his discomfort. A sense of being in control, having power over him perhaps. 

On the third day she came to him, "This is silly. Let's put it behind us and move on." It wasn't a request. 

He wanted to say, "You chose it," but he kept quiet and just put his arms around her. They stood like that for moments, and Nathan felt the discomfort and tension of the last few days drain from him. 

He did put it behind him. He and the gardener were installing an electric garage door opener when Kayla came to them and asked, "Can I have Simon for a while? I want him to help me in the back garden."

"Sure. Let me know when I can have him back." Nathan was more than happy to comply ... she was showing some interest in the garden. He continued with the electrical connections. When it came to testing he'd need Simon again. He did not understand electrical things well ... knew just enough to get by. Up to now, there had been no mishaps. He went inside to read up on his computer on how to program the start and stop points for the opener.  

When he came out again he was surprised to see that Simon was transplanting the Iceland roses from their containers. He'd prepared eight holes in the ground along the water furrow and was busy filling them with soil and a generous amount of compost. It was puzzling. He recalled clearly the upheaval caused by his suggestion that the plants would probably do better in the ground. She was so angry about it. He had been angry as well. About her overreaction. Now she wanted them in the ground. He put it out of his mind. She was entitled to change her mind and he was not going to ask why she did. 

A few days later Kayla announced she would go visit her daughter. She'd already bought a bus ticket. Nathan was pleased. He and Munch would have the place to themselves. He could relax from constantly being vigilant to not upset Kayla, and she'd be doing what she likes doing.

The bus did not go through the village. There was a pick up point 35 kilometers away, approximately 40 minutes by car. But they planned to leave early in case they were held up.

She was packed and ready the day before her scheduled departure. They left the house at 07:30 and arrived at the bus stop almost half an hour early. They sat in the car and waited. Kayla got herself a cup of coffee. Nathan did not want bus stop takeaway coffee. 

The time went by quickly. It was ten minutes beyond the scheduled time and the bus had  not yet arrived. Kayla went inside to check what the delay was about and how long they expected it would be. She came back to the car and announced the bus had broken down and the replacement bus would be there in about two hours. Two hours was probably optimistic. She said, "You know what, I think let's skip this. I'll get a refund or reschedule my trip for another day. Let's go home."

Ten minutes into the trip back home she changed her mind, "You know what, let's go back. We can have proper coffee at a restaurant. An hour and a half wait is not the end of the world."

Nathan agreed, "I can do with a cup of decent coffee. Like you said, waiting a while isn't major."

There was little talk during coffee. They did not want to use up all the time in case the replacement bus got there sooner than expected. This time they waited only 20 minutes and the new bus arrived. He took Kayla's luggage out of the trunk. He was surprised at its size. This was obviously not a weekend visit. She had not told him how long she was going for. And he was not going to ask. Other times when she had gone to her family she also did not tell him. But those were normally stomp-out-in-a-huff episodes. This time she did not depart angry. She was agitated, but he took that to be because of the wait. 

She took the suitcase from him and said, "No need to come with me. Be on your way back home," and she turned and left to board the bus. Nathan got in the car. Yes, the suitcase was huge, but it had wheels and she would manage easily. He was not entirely happy with her leaving without even a see you soon. Let alone a hug and some indication of affection. That would be how normal couples do it. She just left without looking back. He got in the car and drove off.

He thought about Kayla's offhand behavior all the way home. It was really odd. She left like she was going to buy something at the store ... would be back in a few minutes. It was not the kind of departure a loving couple did. He decided to discuss it with Rachel. 

He got home. After putting away the car and ruffling Munch's ears, he made coffee and sat down at the computer. He read some comments on a Facebook group he'd joined ... members who had experience of a narcissistic partner or friend or family member. Nathan was shocked by some of the experiences shared by members. How they would be terrorized by the narcissist and how difficult it was for them to let go this person. He'd joined the group in order to expand his understanding of cluster b personality persons. Why was it so difficult to let go of them?

Many of the comments to posts were versions of "leave", "run", "get out now". Warning about dangers. Some expressly said,  it's dangerous to be with a narcissistic person.

Often when opening Facebook there would be a number of "Friend" requests. He did not understand why he was chosen. The requests were mostly from young women. Perhaps they just wanted to increase their number of "Friends" in Facebook. A few of them had over a thousand "Friends" according to their profiles. He "Confirmed" the majority of them. Sometimes they would message him. Sometimes the conversation/chat would continue for a while. But most times there was nothing after he'd "Confirmed" the friend request. He did not like the staccato style of Facebook Messenger. All online chat platforms seemed the same actually, encouraged a kind of abruptness he found irritating and strange. There were only a few instances when the new "friend" was willing to switch to email. In the email exchange decent conversations could happen. He enjoyed these more personal connections ... it felt more like they were real friends. 

He wrote a short email to Rachel telling her about Kayla and her strange behavior at the bus terminus. He wasn't looking for an explanation. He just wanted someone to hear him out. Someone real. Someone who would not pooh-pooh his feelings about the incident. Rachel was a compassionate listener. He needed to be heard.

The Bus

Me to Rachel HM - HR

Hello Rachel

Kayla decided to go and visit her daughter. I took her to the busstop this morning. She behaved very strangely in my opinion. She did not say when she intends to return ( I did not ask because my experience in situations like this with her it's better to not ask) 

When the bus arrived I took her suitcase out of the trunk. She took it from me, told me to be on my way, turned and walked away. No gesture or word of goodbye. I felt dismissed, irrelevant. Does it hurt? Yes it does when your partner seems to not care how her behavior affects you. I have given much thought to your words, " ... what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" I think it is precisely how she is. That she's not doing it deliberately, that she cannot be any other way makes it worse even. It means she cannot change. Our relationship will always be this way. Rachel, that's not a relationship. I don't know what it is, but if there's no respect. let alone warmth, I believe it's a toxic, codependency. Not good for either of us.

I'm not asking for advice or confirmation. I have nobody to talk to about this and I just want to be heard. I realize I have to decide for myself what to do. 

Thank you for listening. I feel heard and understood.

Regards 

Nathan 

 

Rachel's words, "Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" came back to him again. He realized that Kayla's dismissive behavior at the bus terminal made him feel pushed aside, and he did not want to risk rejection by giving her a hug or some other gesture of affection. He also realized it was not an isolated instance. It had become a pattern in their relationship. He did not take the initiative ... he always waited for her. His spontaneity had been doused too many times. He'd been pushed away too many times. He felt less alone with her not there ... just him and Munch.