Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 3

 Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan unknowingly buys into the underlying reasoning in The Narcissist's Prayer. He thinks he can stop being blamed if he can only find what it is Kayla wants and give it to her, if he can become the man she want's him to be.

"The Narcissist's Prayer

"That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it."

"The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig) beautifully illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimising poor behaviour, blameshifting and shamedumping all feature in this one simple verse, all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist the 'truth' is not seen as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable - as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it.  The truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time."

Chapter 3

On the morning of the day plumbing would begin Nathan woke up energized; this will be the last of the really dirty work. He did not want to start the painting because cement dust from the bathroom would contaminate the completed paint work. He was a step closer to the end of renovation, a step closer to Kayla coming home. 

He had breakfast, took his coffee outside. Munch wanted to walk, but he had to wait for the plumber.

Say two days for the plumbing. He would prepare the wiring for the new light fittings during that time. He would not fit the new lights yet. Rather do it after the ceilings were painted.

The outside painting can be done later. Probably in two weeks the place would be in good enough order for Kayla to come home. He liked the sound of "come home." He missed her.

The paint had already been delivered. How long would it take to paint the inside? He'd never done a house paint project before. Two weeks should be enough. The problem was they would have to work around the furniture. There was nowhere else to store the furniture other than in the house. Most of the stuff was covered with plastic sheets, but they would have to  move things away from the walls. They'd also have to move furniture around to paint the ceilings.

When he goes to fetch Kayla he'd leave early in the morning so they don't get home after dark. One wants settling in time in a new place and it would be better arriving here in day time. It's an old house with small windows and it looked "trailer park" from the outside. Arriving at night would be worse. He'd brighten up the inside and the fittings will be modern. He was less concerned about the inside. First impressions,  seeing the house from the outside was what made Nathan uneasy. How will Kayla feel about the house? 

The plumber arrived. He had one assistant, his son. After establishing what all Nathan wanted done and taking measurement he left again, to go and buy the materials. 

Nathan returned to his thoughts. He remembered rare instances when he felt Kayla accepted him, wanted him and wanted to be with him. Mostly he felt tolerated. There were times when she had been afraid. He would put his arms around her and she would cling to him while he reassured her. It wasn't wanting to be close. More like a need to be reassured that she's not alone. There was the time she thought she'd reversed over the neighbor's cat. It wasn't the cat. An empty plastic paint container had been blown under the car. She was too afraid to look and went into an uncontrollable panic. She couldn't breathe. At first Nathan didn't know what was going on. He saw only her panic. She could not talk. She was shaking uncontrollably and trying to breathe. He held her and spoke softly, telling her it would be okay. 

Her panic episode left her exhausted. He got the story in dribs and drabs. Eventually, when she let go of him he went to where she'd left the car and discovered the mangled paint container. Kayla was relieved to hear it wasn't the cat, but she was still shaking. She was very quiet for the rest of the afternoon. They went to bed early and she clung to him for reassurance. He'd never experienced panic to the extent that he could not breathe. He thought, it probably feels like drowning. It was probably  like being water boarded.   

Kayla's episodes made him feel needed, useful. At first he did not know it was different from being wanted. It just felt good to be useful. He understood now that it wasn't that she wanted him. It wasn't the same as how he wanted her. It was like when a child falls and gets hurt. Any adult, or even an older child, can give comfort and physical touch. The child just needs to be reassured that she's not alone. What he needed, what he wanted, from Kayla was to feel that she wanted him, liked him and wanted the physical closeness with him. 

He wanted her to look forward to being with him, to want to stay in his company, to want to talk to him. Much of their conversation was criticism from her and him defending. He was certain that if he could change she'd stop criticizing and eventually when all his kinks had been ironed out she would like being with him. Then they'd talk about other things, a weekend away together, plan a dinner party, ordinary things a wife and husband do together.

They didn't invite people over or go visiting much other than family. It was  always her family. Nathan dreaded these visits. They spoke mostly about other family members, about this one's baby or someone's child or aunt or boyfriend. He knew few of the people they spoke about at family gatherings and he knew none of the places that came up in conversation. These ramblings went on and on, where family members had lived and who was where now. It was like they spoke a different language. Occasionally someone would sense that he felt excluded and then ask him questions about his interests, politics for instance. That was worse than being left alone, because he knew they were not asking out of interest, merely being polite.

He longed for those feelings he had when caring for Kayla. Not that he wanted her to experience bad things and have a panic episode, he wanted to experience taking care of her and her wanting him to be there for her. Without the panic. He will show her how much he cares and create a living space for her where all she wants is available. He longed to be that for her and to be loved and have her wanting him and seeing him as her safe place. 

Kayla loved the farming community where she lived as a young woman. She would find that again here. He'd buy her a reliable car so she could visit her family whenever she wanted to. He wanted her to have that freedom, know that she can go whenever she liked to and stay as long as she liked. Then "come home" to him. 

Nathan did not have the same need to be with family, to fuss about little ones and older people. That was what Kayla loved. He understood why; they made her feel needed ... they sought her out because she was kind and generous towards them. After all he had the same need to feel wanted, but not from anybody, he needed it from Kayla. 

In a way his relationship with Kayla reminded him of his childhood and his mother. She criticized a lot. Not just Nathan, his father too. It puzzled Nathan that she always demanded things from him, never praised him for the things he thought he had done well. However, when  she had friends over for a tea party she would tell them how smart he was, how well he did at school, praise him to high heaven. It embarrassed him. He resented what she did. Although it had him seething inside he would just keep quiet.  

She had him recite poems for the ladies or play the piano. He hated the piano and he hated poetry. He had to or she would scold and punish him later. It was puzzling. He felt never-good-enough when he was alone with her and when her friends were there he had to listen to what an exceptional child he was. The incongruity was not just frustrating, it made him feel helpless and inadequate. 

He recalled an incident from when he was in grade 10. He was pedantic about his school work because it was so important in pleasing her. In grade 10 he had the highest midyear average in mathematics in the school, 94%. He came first in his class. When he showed her the 94% she said, "You can do even better. I want to see 100%" That was the day he knew he would never be good enough in her eyes. He gave up trying. He barely scraped through grade 11. In grade 12 he did slightly better ... he wanted to finish school so he could get out of the house and away from his mother's criticism.

His relationship with Kayla was different. He wasn't a child. He had resources. He would not give up like he did in grade 10. Nathan knew he could please Kayla and be the man she deserved. A few more weeks and she will come home and then they will have the time and opportunity to do couple things, travel, explore, be happy together. His dream put a smile on his face. 

Nathan was happy.