Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 13

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Belonging somewhere safe was a dream. That feeling of belonging with a loving someone was an illusion. Shattered in a heartbeat. There is no growing old together. It's a bitter reality for Nathan to accept. He knows he has to shift from making his marriage work to damage control. His soul mate is suddenly his advisory. Gradually he realizes she's been his advisory for a long time ... only in his illusion was she his soul mate.

Nathan harbors no bitterness towards Kayla. “Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being,” wrote Rumi. Perhaps we are here to learn that love is worth any price, any price at all.

Chapter 13

Days went by. He did not expect a draft document from Howard soon. Howard's main business was conveyancing. This was a personal favor. Kayla asked for money again and he did an electronic transfer to her account.  Her absence did not bother him much. He did things around the house. Like he normally did. Surprisingly, the fact that she was not coming back did not trouble him much either ... it is what it is and there's nothing to be done now except wait for the draft document from Howard.

He called her, "Howard said he will do a draft document based on what we agreed, 500 thousand. He recommends half on the signing of the document by both of us and the other half after the court issues the divorce order."

"The sooner the better," she said. "Let's get it over with. One day soon you and I can sit down and have coffee ... celebrate the end of arguments ... be just friends." 

He wondered quietly to himself, "Is this how it will be? The quiet giving up disguised as coping? Silently withdrawing from the world before he could be hurt again?"

Howard asked for copies of their marriage certificate and the prenuptial agreement. It came as a shock to Nathan that neither of them had actually signed the prenuptial agreement. He remembered signing something. It was in fact a power of attorney for a third party to sign on their behalf. A copy of the power of attorney was attached to the prenup. 

He'd never read the prenup even. He remembered Kayla at first objected to a prenup, but then changed her mind and handled it herself. He read bits of it now for the first time. 

Howard had asked if he knew if it was "with accrual." It was. The document also stated that his assets as well as Kayla's were "Nil" going into the marriage. Nathan found that strange. Kayla's assets were close to nil. But his assets certainly weren't . At the time of getting married he owned the house and a sizable investment in unit trusts. There was a  bond on the property which he had kept in order to help cover large expenses when he needed to. 

He would not have signed had he known his assets were stated as "Nil". Why would someone do something like that? It was a fabrication! Well, it is what it is. It was anyway of no relevance now. They'd agreed to half a million which he felt was just. They had after all been married for more than 10 years. She was entitled to some money. What was left after giving her 500 thousand was enough for him. Kayla had wealthy children who would look after her anyway. They'd both be okay.

He emailed copies of all three documents to Howard.

Walking with Munch the next morning Nathan spoke out loud to the dog as if she would understand, "Well, now it's just you and I, my dog-friend. How do you feel about that?" Munch always looked at him when he spoke as if she understood. "Nobody to complain about shedding and hair clogging up the vacuum cleaner," he said with a smile in his voice and Munch wagged her tail.

There was a missed call from Kayla on his phone when they returned. He called her. "Henry, a lawyer I know from my church, offered to handle the divorce for us," she told him. "He won't charge."

Nathan was angry about this. But didn't let it show. "Howard has already agreed to do the paperwork," he said. "We agreed to do it that way."

"Yes, but Henry will do it for free."

Nathan wasn't going to argue. It was pointless arguing with her anyway. She makes up her mind and if you don't agree she has a temper tantrum. They'd agreed on the amount. What does it matter who does the paperwork?

"He advised that we should settle for a lump sum plus a monthly maintenance amount," she continued before he could reply. 

So, it was not actually so much about Henry will do it for free ... Nathan could sense a scope creep coming. "Are you changing what we agreed?" he asked.

Silence. Then, "Henry says a 500 thousand lump sum, but you should also pay me a monthly maintenance amount of 10 000."

Clearly Henry had decided to go for whatever he thought was the maximum amount he could get out of Nathan. And Kayla had gotten a whiff of more money. The 10 000 was more than Nathan's total monthly pension income! "That's outrageous," was all he said. 

"I'll get him to call you and explain," she said. "I feel ten thousand is fair. One pays eight thousand a month for reasonable accommodation alone. He will explain to you," and she ended the call without a goodbye.

Nathan wasn't aware that for Henry to contact him directly was outside the boundaries of general protocol. He took the call. Henry spoke about monthly maintenance and also raised the issue of a car for Kayla and for her to remain on Nathan's medical aid plan. There was no talk of any lump sum. The conversation was generally vague. But Nathan felt he was being pressured into agreeing. There was no agreement. Just vague talk about the car and the monthly maintenance and the medical aid membership. He told Henry to draft a proposal.

The call was followed by text messages from Henry in which he offered to get in his car and come see Nathan. The whole matter could be "finalized this afternoon."

Nathan realized he was dealing with a bully. Clearly Henry wanted to come bulldoze an unprepared Nathan into signing some document. Without having seen a draft even. He texted Henry to say as much ... prepare a draft, save your fuel and time, nothing will happen till there's a draft document.

Then he called Howard and told him the new development. Howard said this was above his pay grade. He'd send Nathan contact details for Amanda, an excellent divorce attorney. Nathan felt uneasy. This was what he did not want. He'd heard about too many divorce cases where ultimately the entire pot of assets being fought over went into legal costs and there were scraps left for the couple to share. He was now in damage control.

He contacted Amanda. She sounded nice. He must please send her the prenup and marriage certificate and a copy of Kayla's ID. Once she has this they will talk again. What is Kayla asking as a settlement? He explained he'd asked for a draft document because the numbers and conditions were vague and changing all the time. "Good," she said. "Send me contact details of her attorney. We will bring this thing to a close. You may not like all of it, but it will be fair."

He was alone. Nobody in his corner. Nobody to talk to. Nobody. 

At least when Kayla was here he could pretend he had someone on his side. He could pretend he belonged. But, he realized, that was all it was, an illusion of belonging somewhere. That's why he had clung to it so. Because if he let it go there would be this. No even an illusion of belonging.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 12

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Over time Nathan developed the qualities of a Stoic—acceptance, justice, courage, and temperance—not through the formal study of Stoic philosophy, but as a result of difficult, challenging life experiences. He learnt the value of accepting what's outside of his control through many years in the AA fellowship and repeating the words of the Serenity Prayer thousands of times. One could say he became a Stoic by circumstance.

Chapter 12

She did not call him to say she'd arrived safely. 

He called her late the next day, "Are you settled? Was the bus trip okay?"

She did not answer his questions, but she sounded happy, "Evelyn and I spent the morning at the mall. The one I like, with the wide passages? We didn't spend much money ...  so, relax. It was lovely. She took off from work and devoted the day to treating me."

Nathan did not share Kayla's enthusiasm for mall-crawling. "I'm glad. And how is everyone there?" 

The conversation continued on a superficial level. There were kitchen noises in the background. He guessed they were preparing for the evening meal. 

Later he checked his email. There was a short one from Rachel.

Re: The Bus

Rachel HM-HR to me

Hello Nathan 

Thank you for your email. I understand that it's a disturbing thing to have happen to you. I would like you to adjust your focus. I understand that you feel you did something wrong. But stand back and look at it from a higher perspective ... this is Kayla's issue, not yours. She chose to be disaffectionate and distant. Rude IMO. Do not take this upon yourself.

 

I know how difficult it is to not feel that you are somehow partly responsible. I want to persuade you otherwise. It has been the quick and easy way for you to create peace in the household. You are accustomed to this way of dealing with it. But it is wrong, Nathan. As an outsider I can see it. I encourage you to take a dispassionate look at what happened. You will see.

 

I want to close with a quotation from Eva Curie: 

“We discovered that peace at any price is no peace at all...that life at any price has no value whatever; that life is nothing without the privileges, the prides, the rights, the joys that make it worth living and also worth giving...and that there is something more hideous, more atrocious than war or than death; and that is to live in fear.”

Regards. 

Rachel.  

Rachel's email continued buzzing in his head. 

"Am I living in fear?"

"No," he answered himself, "it's not fear. It's more like being constantly vigilant, constantly checking that what I do or say won't upset Kayla."

"But, then why am I constantly concerned about perhaps upsetting her? Try to answer that honestly. What would happen if she's upset?"

He knew what the answer was. Reluctantly he acknowledged, "Because when she yells and badgers me I feel cornered. I don't know what to do. I feel I have no options ... just suck it up. I feel like a four year old being scolded by an adult. The same fear I had  when I was a child comes back. The only other thing I can do is yell back. I don't want to yell back. Being in the no man's land where I have only the suck it up option makes me nauseous. Yes, I am fearful. But fortunately I have tools now, the b personality and c personality insights Rachel helped me find. Over time and with practice those insights will help me be calm when she's in one of her moods. I'll be able to retreat into an observer role ... take a step back and see her and see myself objectively in those moments."

He looked forward to the next few days. It would be nice without Kayla here. She had given him no indication how long she would be away, He was used to this. When she wants to come back, she'll call, he thought to himself. 

But it wasn't like that. Two weeks went by. She asked for money twice and he did electronic transfers to her account. Towards the end of the third week she called one evening. She opened the conversation with, "How are you?"

Nathan responded with, "I'm fine. Are you still enjoying yourself there?"

"I want a divorce," she said. Just like that. He felt numb. Then bewildered as the reality came into focus ... he has to let go of his grow old together dream. Right here, in this moment, he had to let it go. The reality was that it had stopped being a dream long ago. It had been an illusion for a long time already. An illusion that he had unconsciously clung to in hope.

Kayla's discontent had finally matured into wanting a split. 

In seconds he realized he wasn't shocked so much as surprised. Surprised at the timing. Why did she not raise the subject before she left or wait till she came back? There could be a face to face discussion. Surely she knew it was what she wanted when she made plans to go to Evelyn for a visit? Clearly it was not a "visit" it was step one of her exit plan.

He recovered quickly. "Okay," he said. Have you thought about what's a reasonable settlement? Or do you want some time to think about it?" There was no point in against putting it off. He knew Kayla well. Any attempt to dissuade her was pointless. When she has decided on something there was no need for discussion as far as she was concerned ... this is how she wants it and this is how it would be.

"Five hundred thousand," she responded as if she were asking him to go buy her a pack of cigarettes.

Nathan isn't a haggler. He saw no point in haggling over the amount. The law is on her side. In the past there had been several arguments and fights in which she threatened, "I came into this marriage with nothing ... I'll leave with nothing !" Now was not the time to remind her of those words. He said quietly, "I'll get Howard to draw up the documentation. No point in dragging things out ... you and I have a verbal agreement ... we put it in writing and get it done."

"Let me know." Her words sounding like she wanted to twist the knife. "I'll tell you when I need money. Even though I'm staying with Evelyn I have expenses. And we are still married." 

The conversation left him feeling exhausted. "Suck it up," he thought. "It is what it is. Even though you don't want to be divorced, there's absolutely no point in trying to continue. It will sound like you are begging. And she will feed off that and just become more determined."

He knew her well.

He thought momentarily about having a drink. But that would probably cause him to relapse into a bender with no end in sight. And at a time when he needed a clear mind. He decided instead to write an email to Howard and get the ball rolling. This was it. He was the proud owner of a failed marriage. "Get it behind you. You have lived with the constant fear of this moment for years already," he told himself. Then he sat down to write the email.

Howard replied early the following day. He emphasized that he wasn't a divorce lawyer. But since it was a simple settlement, 500 000, uncontested, he agreed to do it. Please provide him with copies of ID's. A draft should be ready in less than two weeks.

Nathan was still stunned. There was the part of him that felt like someone had died. A sadness he could taste. Disillusioned and disappointed. The other part was his Stoic acceptance ... it's happened ... contain the material and financial damage as best he could. He had no appetite and the thought of drinking came up regularly over the next few days.

He wasn't lonely. Before he met Kayla he'd lived alone for many years. But that was not the only reason ... he often felt alone while they were together. She had a way of making him feel isolated for long periods throughout the years they were together. That was worse than being alone. 

The world doesn't stop when trouble hits you. There were chores to do, bills to pay and responsibilities. He spent the next few days taking care of these as best he could. He enjoyed the walks with Munch. Thank God for Munch. She was always happy and her lovely nature motivated him to not succumb to mope and dawdle in a depressed state. Rather stay active even though you don't want to do it.

He was awake for long hours at night. Despite trying to not think of Kayla, he did. It suddenly struck him why she moved the Iceland Roses from containers to the ground. 

For weeks, perhaps months, she had been an "absent" and disinterested version of herself. During this time her days were spent sitting and drinking wine and smoking on the back porch. Then suddenly, just before announcing her plan to visit Evelyn, she had the gardener replant the roses. Giving up on her powerful preference for container plants was a symbolic giving up act. Giving up on her marriage. The long hours spent drinking and smoking had brought her to the conclusion to exit the marriage.

Or was it just the signal that she had decided when to actually exit ? The more he mulled it over the more convinced he was that the decision to end the marriage started much earlier. The Iceland Roses incident was the final decision in her exit plan. 

The reason why she had agreed to him selling the expensive house and buy cheaper in the country now also made sense. She wanted fixed property converted to cash and she planned to take a portion of hard cash with her in the divorce. It also explained why she had refused to go house-hunting with him. It explained it perfectly. Name one woman who will not want a say in the choice of house she was going to ! 

The puzzle pieces were fitting together for Nathan. Kayla had been planning this for years. He was not angry with her. He was a little angry with himself for being naive and for not wanting to see what was happening under his nose. All the discontent she expressed and all the complaining she did, the insults and personal attacks on him. They all made sense and found their places in the puzzle.

He had been living in this dream of growing old together. A dream that couldn't work. A dream kept alive by him. A desperate attempt at finding love, loyalty and a soul mate in the shadow time of his life. Ended. Just like that. He realized it had been his last chance. He was now too old. He'd run out of time to find his soul mate. Let alone time to consolidate their bond and enjoy the togetherness of a real relationship. Kayla had used up the last years of the time available to do it.

It really was too late.