Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 13

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Belonging somewhere safe was a dream. That feeling of belonging with a loving someone was an illusion. Shattered in a heartbeat. There is no growing old together. It's a bitter reality for Nathan to accept. He knows he has to shift from making his marriage work to damage control. His soul mate is suddenly his advisory. Gradually he realizes she's been his advisory for a long time ... only in his illusion was she his soul mate.

Nathan harbors no bitterness towards Kayla. “Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being,” wrote Rumi. Perhaps we are here to learn that love is worth any price, any price at all.

Chapter 13

Days went by. He did not expect a draft document from Howard soon. Howard's main business was conveyancing. This was a personal favor. Kayla asked for money again and he did an electronic transfer to her account.  Her absence did not bother him much. He did things around the house. Like he normally did. Surprisingly, the fact that she was not coming back did not trouble him much either ... it is what it is and there's nothing to be done now except wait for the draft document from Howard.

He called her, "Howard said he will do a draft document based on what we agreed, 500 thousand. He recommends half on the signing of the document by both of us and the other half after the court issues the divorce order."

"The sooner the better," she said. "Let's get it over with. One day soon you and I can sit down and have coffee ... celebrate the end of arguments ... be just friends." 

He wondered quietly to himself, "Is this how it will be? The quiet giving up disguised as coping? Silently withdrawing from the world before he could be hurt again?"

Howard asked for copies of their marriage certificate and the prenuptial agreement. It came as a shock to Nathan that neither of them had actually signed the prenuptial agreement. He remembered signing something. It was in fact a power of attorney for a third party to sign on their behalf. A copy of the power of attorney was attached to the prenup. 

He'd never read the prenup even. He remembered Kayla at first objected to a prenup, but then changed her mind and handled it herself. He read bits of it now for the first time. 

Howard had asked if he knew if it was "with accrual." It was. The document also stated that his assets as well as Kayla's were "Nil" going into the marriage. Nathan found that strange. Kayla's assets were close to nil. But his assets certainly weren't . At the time of getting married he owned the house and a sizable investment in unit trusts. There was a  bond on the property which he had kept in order to help cover large expenses when he needed to. 

He would not have signed had he known his assets were stated as "Nil". Why would someone do something like that? It was a fabrication! Well, it is what it is. It was anyway of no relevance now. They'd agreed to half a million which he felt was just. They had after all been married for more than 10 years. She was entitled to some money. What was left after giving her 500 thousand was enough for him. Kayla had wealthy children who would look after her anyway. They'd both be okay.

He emailed copies of all three documents to Howard.

Walking with Munch the next morning Nathan spoke out loud to the dog as if she would understand, "Well, now it's just you and I, my dog-friend. How do you feel about that?" Munch always looked at him when he spoke as if she understood. "Nobody to complain about shedding and hair clogging up the vacuum cleaner," he said with a smile in his voice and Munch wagged her tail.

There was a missed call from Kayla on his phone when they returned. He called her. "Henry, a lawyer I know from my church, offered to handle the divorce for us," she told him. "He won't charge."

Nathan was angry about this. But didn't let it show. "Howard has already agreed to do the paperwork," he said. "We agreed to do it that way."

"Yes, but Henry will do it for free."

Nathan wasn't going to argue. It was pointless arguing with her anyway. She makes up her mind and if you don't agree she has a temper tantrum. They'd agreed on the amount. What does it matter who does the paperwork?

"He advised that we should settle for a lump sum plus a monthly maintenance amount," she continued before he could reply. 

So, it was not actually so much about Henry will do it for free ... Nathan could sense a scope creep coming. "Are you changing what we agreed?" he asked.

Silence. Then, "Henry says a 500 thousand lump sum, but you should also pay me a monthly maintenance amount of 10 000."

Clearly Henry had decided to go for whatever he thought was the maximum amount he could get out of Nathan. And Kayla had gotten a whiff of more money. The 10 000 was more than Nathan's total monthly pension income! "That's outrageous," was all he said. 

"I'll get him to call you and explain," she said. "I feel ten thousand is fair. One pays eight thousand a month for reasonable accommodation alone. He will explain to you," and she ended the call without a goodbye.

Nathan wasn't aware that for Henry to contact him directly was outside the boundaries of general protocol. He took the call. Henry spoke about monthly maintenance and also raised the issue of a car for Kayla and for her to remain on Nathan's medical aid plan. There was no talk of any lump sum. The conversation was generally vague. But Nathan felt he was being pressured into agreeing. There was no agreement. Just vague talk about the car and the monthly maintenance and the medical aid membership. He told Henry to draft a proposal.

The call was followed by text messages from Henry in which he offered to get in his car and come see Nathan. The whole matter could be "finalized this afternoon."

Nathan realized he was dealing with a bully. Clearly Henry wanted to come bulldoze an unprepared Nathan into signing some document. Without having seen a draft even. He texted Henry to say as much ... prepare a draft, save your fuel and time, nothing will happen till there's a draft document.

Then he called Howard and told him the new development. Howard said this was above his pay grade. He'd send Nathan contact details for Amanda, an excellent divorce attorney. Nathan felt uneasy. This was what he did not want. He'd heard about too many divorce cases where ultimately the entire pot of assets being fought over went into legal costs and there were scraps left for the couple to share. He was now in damage control.

He contacted Amanda. She sounded nice. He must please send her the prenup and marriage certificate and a copy of Kayla's ID. Once she has this they will talk again. What is Kayla asking as a settlement? He explained he'd asked for a draft document because the numbers and conditions were vague and changing all the time. "Good," she said. "Send me contact details of her attorney. We will bring this thing to a close. You may not like all of it, but it will be fair."

He was alone. Nobody in his corner. Nobody to talk to. Nobody. 

At least when Kayla was here he could pretend he had someone on his side. He could pretend he belonged. But, he realized, that was all it was, an illusion of belonging somewhere. That's why he had clung to it so. Because if he let it go there would be this. No even an illusion of belonging.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 12

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Over time Nathan developed the qualities of a Stoic—acceptance, justice, courage, and temperance—not through the formal study of Stoic philosophy, but as a result of difficult, challenging life experiences. He learnt the value of accepting what's outside of his control through many years in the AA fellowship and repeating the words of the Serenity Prayer thousands of times. One could say he became a Stoic by circumstance.

Chapter 12

She did not call him to say she'd arrived safely. 

He called her late the next day, "Are you settled? Was the bus trip okay?"

She did not answer his questions, but she sounded happy, "Evelyn and I spent the morning at the mall. The one I like, with the wide passages? We didn't spend much money ...  so, relax. It was lovely. She took off from work and devoted the day to treating me."

Nathan did not share Kayla's enthusiasm for mall-crawling. "I'm glad. And how is everyone there?" 

The conversation continued on a superficial level. There were kitchen noises in the background. He guessed they were preparing for the evening meal. 

Later he checked his email. There was a short one from Rachel.

Re: The Bus

Rachel HM-HR to me

Hello Nathan 

Thank you for your email. I understand that it's a disturbing thing to have happen to you. I would like you to adjust your focus. I understand that you feel you did something wrong. But stand back and look at it from a higher perspective ... this is Kayla's issue, not yours. She chose to be disaffectionate and distant. Rude IMO. Do not take this upon yourself.

 

I know how difficult it is to not feel that you are somehow partly responsible. I want to persuade you otherwise. It has been the quick and easy way for you to create peace in the household. You are accustomed to this way of dealing with it. But it is wrong, Nathan. As an outsider I can see it. I encourage you to take a dispassionate look at what happened. You will see.

 

I want to close with a quotation from Eva Curie: 

“We discovered that peace at any price is no peace at all...that life at any price has no value whatever; that life is nothing without the privileges, the prides, the rights, the joys that make it worth living and also worth giving...and that there is something more hideous, more atrocious than war or than death; and that is to live in fear.”

Regards. 

Rachel.  

Rachel's email continued buzzing in his head. 

"Am I living in fear?"

"No," he answered himself, "it's not fear. It's more like being constantly vigilant, constantly checking that what I do or say won't upset Kayla."

"But, then why am I constantly concerned about perhaps upsetting her? Try to answer that honestly. What would happen if she's upset?"

He knew what the answer was. Reluctantly he acknowledged, "Because when she yells and badgers me I feel cornered. I don't know what to do. I feel I have no options ... just suck it up. I feel like a four year old being scolded by an adult. The same fear I had  when I was a child comes back. The only other thing I can do is yell back. I don't want to yell back. Being in the no man's land where I have only the suck it up option makes me nauseous. Yes, I am fearful. But fortunately I have tools now, the b personality and c personality insights Rachel helped me find. Over time and with practice those insights will help me be calm when she's in one of her moods. I'll be able to retreat into an observer role ... take a step back and see her and see myself objectively in those moments."

He looked forward to the next few days. It would be nice without Kayla here. She had given him no indication how long she would be away, He was used to this. When she wants to come back, she'll call, he thought to himself. 

But it wasn't like that. Two weeks went by. She asked for money twice and he did electronic transfers to her account. Towards the end of the third week she called one evening. She opened the conversation with, "How are you?"

Nathan responded with, "I'm fine. Are you still enjoying yourself there?"

"I want a divorce," she said. Just like that. He felt numb. Then bewildered as the reality came into focus ... he has to let go of his grow old together dream. Right here, in this moment, he had to let it go. The reality was that it had stopped being a dream long ago. It had been an illusion for a long time already. An illusion that he had unconsciously clung to in hope.

Kayla's discontent had finally matured into wanting a split. 

In seconds he realized he wasn't shocked so much as surprised. Surprised at the timing. Why did she not raise the subject before she left or wait till she came back? There could be a face to face discussion. Surely she knew it was what she wanted when she made plans to go to Evelyn for a visit? Clearly it was not a "visit" it was step one of her exit plan.

He recovered quickly. "Okay," he said. Have you thought about what's a reasonable settlement? Or do you want some time to think about it?" There was no point in against putting it off. He knew Kayla well. Any attempt to dissuade her was pointless. When she has decided on something there was no need for discussion as far as she was concerned ... this is how she wants it and this is how it would be.

"Five hundred thousand," she responded as if she were asking him to go buy her a pack of cigarettes.

Nathan isn't a haggler. He saw no point in haggling over the amount. The law is on her side. In the past there had been several arguments and fights in which she threatened, "I came into this marriage with nothing ... I'll leave with nothing !" Now was not the time to remind her of those words. He said quietly, "I'll get Howard to draw up the documentation. No point in dragging things out ... you and I have a verbal agreement ... we put it in writing and get it done."

"Let me know." Her words sounding like she wanted to twist the knife. "I'll tell you when I need money. Even though I'm staying with Evelyn I have expenses. And we are still married." 

The conversation left him feeling exhausted. "Suck it up," he thought. "It is what it is. Even though you don't want to be divorced, there's absolutely no point in trying to continue. It will sound like you are begging. And she will feed off that and just become more determined."

He knew her well.

He thought momentarily about having a drink. But that would probably cause him to relapse into a bender with no end in sight. And at a time when he needed a clear mind. He decided instead to write an email to Howard and get the ball rolling. This was it. He was the proud owner of a failed marriage. "Get it behind you. You have lived with the constant fear of this moment for years already," he told himself. Then he sat down to write the email.

Howard replied early the following day. He emphasized that he wasn't a divorce lawyer. But since it was a simple settlement, 500 000, uncontested, he agreed to do it. Please provide him with copies of ID's. A draft should be ready in less than two weeks.

Nathan was still stunned. There was the part of him that felt like someone had died. A sadness he could taste. Disillusioned and disappointed. The other part was his Stoic acceptance ... it's happened ... contain the material and financial damage as best he could. He had no appetite and the thought of drinking came up regularly over the next few days.

He wasn't lonely. Before he met Kayla he'd lived alone for many years. But that was not the only reason ... he often felt alone while they were together. She had a way of making him feel isolated for long periods throughout the years they were together. That was worse than being alone. 

The world doesn't stop when trouble hits you. There were chores to do, bills to pay and responsibilities. He spent the next few days taking care of these as best he could. He enjoyed the walks with Munch. Thank God for Munch. She was always happy and her lovely nature motivated him to not succumb to mope and dawdle in a depressed state. Rather stay active even though you don't want to do it.

He was awake for long hours at night. Despite trying to not think of Kayla, he did. It suddenly struck him why she moved the Iceland Roses from containers to the ground. 

For weeks, perhaps months, she had been an "absent" and disinterested version of herself. During this time her days were spent sitting and drinking wine and smoking on the back porch. Then suddenly, just before announcing her plan to visit Evelyn, she had the gardener replant the roses. Giving up on her powerful preference for container plants was a symbolic giving up act. Giving up on her marriage. The long hours spent drinking and smoking had brought her to the conclusion to exit the marriage.

Or was it just the signal that she had decided when to actually exit ? The more he mulled it over the more convinced he was that the decision to end the marriage started much earlier. The Iceland Roses incident was the final decision in her exit plan. 

The reason why she had agreed to him selling the expensive house and buy cheaper in the country now also made sense. She wanted fixed property converted to cash and she planned to take a portion of hard cash with her in the divorce. It also explained why she had refused to go house-hunting with him. It explained it perfectly. Name one woman who will not want a say in the choice of house she was going to ! 

The puzzle pieces were fitting together for Nathan. Kayla had been planning this for years. He was not angry with her. He was a little angry with himself for being naive and for not wanting to see what was happening under his nose. All the discontent she expressed and all the complaining she did, the insults and personal attacks on him. They all made sense and found their places in the puzzle.

He had been living in this dream of growing old together. A dream that couldn't work. A dream kept alive by him. A desperate attempt at finding love, loyalty and a soul mate in the shadow time of his life. Ended. Just like that. He realized it had been his last chance. He was now too old. He'd run out of time to find his soul mate. Let alone time to consolidate their bond and enjoy the togetherness of a real relationship. Kayla had used up the last years of the time available to do it.

It really was too late.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 11

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan takes others' words at face value. He trusts. Because he sees no value in being devious, he believes others will not deliberately mislead him. 

Chapter 11 

Rachel's words, "Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" came as a shock. They kept playing over and over in his mind. Is it possible? Is that what his subconscious, through the broken staircase dream, is trying to tell him? That he's looking for love where it doesn't exist? Deep inside him, he already knows, but does he push it aside because it's not what he wants?

The uncomfortable silence between them lasted for some days. Kayla sleeping in the spare room. He knew from past experience that for him to try and normalize the situation would be useless. He had to wait in discomfort till she came to him. Kayla seemed to get something from his discomfort. A sense of being in control, having power over him perhaps. 

On the third day she came to him, "This is silly. Let's put it behind us and move on." It wasn't a request. 

He wanted to say, "You chose it," but he kept quiet and just put his arms around her. They stood like that for moments, and Nathan felt the discomfort and tension of the last few days drain from him. 

He did put it behind him. He and the gardener were installing an electric garage door opener when Kayla came to them and asked, "Can I have Simon for a while? I want him to help me in the back garden."

"Sure. Let me know when I can have him back." Nathan was more than happy to comply ... she was showing some interest in the garden. He continued with the electrical connections. When it came to testing he'd need Simon again. He did not understand electrical things well ... knew just enough to get by. Up to now, there had been no mishaps. He went inside to read up on his computer on how to program the start and stop points for the opener.  

When he came out again he was surprised to see that Simon was transplanting the Iceland roses from their containers. He'd prepared eight holes in the ground along the water furrow and was busy filling them with soil and a generous amount of compost. It was puzzling. He recalled clearly the upheaval caused by his suggestion that the plants would probably do better in the ground. She was so angry about it. He had been angry as well. About her overreaction. Now she wanted them in the ground. He put it out of his mind. She was entitled to change her mind and he was not going to ask why she did. 

A few days later Kayla announced she would go visit her daughter. She'd already bought a bus ticket. Nathan was pleased. He and Munch would have the place to themselves. He could relax from constantly being vigilant to not upset Kayla, and she'd be doing what she likes doing.

The bus did not go through the village. There was a pick up point 35 kilometers away, approximately 40 minutes by car. But they planned to leave early in case they were held up.

She was packed and ready the day before her scheduled departure. They left the house at 07:30 and arrived at the bus stop almost half an hour early. They sat in the car and waited. Kayla got herself a cup of coffee. Nathan did not want bus stop takeaway coffee. 

The time went by quickly. It was ten minutes beyond the scheduled time and the bus had  not yet arrived. Kayla went inside to check what the delay was about and how long they expected it would be. She came back to the car and announced the bus had broken down and the replacement bus would be there in about two hours. Two hours was probably optimistic. She said, "You know what, I think let's skip this. I'll get a refund or reschedule my trip for another day. Let's go home."

Ten minutes into the trip back home she changed her mind, "You know what, let's go back. We can have proper coffee at a restaurant. An hour and a half wait is not the end of the world."

Nathan agreed, "I can do with a cup of decent coffee. Like you said, waiting a while isn't major."

There was little talk during coffee. They did not want to use up all the time in case the replacement bus got there sooner than expected. This time they waited only 20 minutes and the new bus arrived. He took Kayla's luggage out of the trunk. He was surprised at its size. This was obviously not a weekend visit. She had not told him how long she was going for. And he was not going to ask. Other times when she had gone to her family she also did not tell him. But those were normally stomp-out-in-a-huff episodes. This time she did not depart angry. She was agitated, but he took that to be because of the wait. 

She took the suitcase from him and said, "No need to come with me. Be on your way back home," and she turned and left to board the bus. Nathan got in the car. Yes, the suitcase was huge, but it had wheels and she would manage easily. He was not entirely happy with her leaving without even a see you soon. Let alone a hug and some indication of affection. That would be how normal couples do it. She just left without looking back. He got in the car and drove off.

He thought about Kayla's offhand behavior all the way home. It was really odd. She left like she was going to buy something at the store ... would be back in a few minutes. It was not the kind of departure a loving couple did. He decided to discuss it with Rachel. 

He got home. After putting away the car and ruffling Munch's ears, he made coffee and sat down at the computer. He read some comments on a Facebook group he'd joined ... members who had experience of a narcissistic partner or friend or family member. Nathan was shocked by some of the experiences shared by members. How they would be terrorized by the narcissist and how difficult it was for them to let go this person. He'd joined the group in order to expand his understanding of cluster b personality persons. Why was it so difficult to let go of them?

Many of the comments to posts were versions of "leave", "run", "get out now". Warning about dangers. Some expressly said,  it's dangerous to be with a narcissistic person.

Often when opening Facebook there would be a number of "Friend" requests. He did not understand why he was chosen. The requests were mostly from young women. Perhaps they just wanted to increase their number of "Friends" in Facebook. A few of them had over a thousand "Friends" according to their profiles. He "Confirmed" the majority of them. Sometimes they would message him. Sometimes the conversation/chat would continue for a while. But most times there was nothing after he'd "Confirmed" the friend request. He did not like the staccato style of Facebook Messenger. All online chat platforms seemed the same actually, encouraged a kind of abruptness he found irritating and strange. There were only a few instances when the new "friend" was willing to switch to email. In the email exchange decent conversations could happen. He enjoyed these more personal connections ... it felt more like they were real friends. 

He wrote a short email to Rachel telling her about Kayla and her strange behavior at the bus terminus. He wasn't looking for an explanation. He just wanted someone to hear him out. Someone real. Someone who would not pooh-pooh his feelings about the incident. Rachel was a compassionate listener. He needed to be heard.

The Bus

Me to Rachel HM - HR

Hello Rachel

Kayla decided to go and visit her daughter. I took her to the busstop this morning. She behaved very strangely in my opinion. She did not say when she intends to return ( I did not ask because my experience in situations like this with her it's better to not ask) 

When the bus arrived I took her suitcase out of the trunk. She took it from me, told me to be on my way, turned and walked away. No gesture or word of goodbye. I felt dismissed, irrelevant. Does it hurt? Yes it does when your partner seems to not care how her behavior affects you. I have given much thought to your words, " ... what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" I think it is precisely how she is. That she's not doing it deliberately, that she cannot be any other way makes it worse even. It means she cannot change. Our relationship will always be this way. Rachel, that's not a relationship. I don't know what it is, but if there's no respect. let alone warmth, I believe it's a toxic, codependency. Not good for either of us.

I'm not asking for advice or confirmation. I have nobody to talk to about this and I just want to be heard. I realize I have to decide for myself what to do. 

Thank you for listening. I feel heard and understood.

Regards 

Nathan 

 

Rachel's words, "Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" came back to him again. He realized that Kayla's dismissive behavior at the bus terminal made him feel pushed aside, and he did not want to risk rejection by giving her a hug or some other gesture of affection. He also realized it was not an isolated instance. It had become a pattern in their relationship. He did not take the initiative ... he always waited for her. His spontaneity had been doused too many times. He'd been pushed away too many times. He felt less alone with her not there ... just him and Munch.  

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 10

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

In his eagerness to fix things Nathan often thinks something is fixed when it isn't. One could call it foolish. Perhaps even delusional. Unrealistically idealistic would be a better description. He sometimes wants something so much that he is blind to anything that doesn't fit into his plan.

Chapter 10

The days went by doing normal things. Kayla and Nathan were both happy and enjoyed just being at home together after their week away. Munch wasn't particularly elated to be fetched from the Kennels. Nathan took this to mean that kennel food was better. His morning routine had become, let the dog out and have a cup of coffee. He'd watch the sky get lighter as the sun rose. After coffee there would be up to an hour for emails and social media. Then he'd take coffee in for Kayla.

Rachel was quick to respond to his email about his "broken stairs" recurring dream.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

 

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for the feedback on your cluster c reading. I'd like you to do the same for Kayla's best fit archetype . As best you can determine for yourself which cluster she fits in. From what  you tell me I would not be  surprised if it's cluster b. Assume for a moment it is. You'll need a thorough understanding of b and of c in order to streamline communication. 

Hard but doable.

 

Anther point: if she's a cluster b person it would be better keep what you and I discuss to yourself. Cluster b's do not like criticism and often see suggested changes as criticism. In any event if this works you have achieved what you want to do ... whether she knows or not isn't important. I understand you feel it may be a betrayal of sorts. But first prize is getting your relationship to work well, isn't it?  

Thank you for sharing your broken staircase dream. I agree, it is important. Recurring dreams are always important. It may be vital for you to uncover the metaphor. Only you can do it. I can offer suggestions. But it is your job. Think hard. Write to me about it some more. Describe the people you knew and now meet again in your dream building. Colors. Smells. Emotions. Keep working on it. The major theme, you search but don't know what for. The frustration and dead ends. They're all consistently there and IMO important.  

I look forward to your emails. You will get there. You are a determined person. I sense giving up is not in your vocabulary. 

Regards

Rachel

He made a cup of coffee for Kayla and took it to the room for her. He loved these moments. She was relaxed and liked having him there. Munch came in and lay at his feet. "Darling, what's the important thing on your agenda for today?" If he knew he could fit in with her plans. Nathan realized that over time he'd more and more focused on what she wanted. To the point of not even expressing his own preferences. Rather waiting for her or asking what she wanted. He did not feel it was negative. Most of what she wanted he was okay with anyway. And he could juggle his priorities around those.

"Maria and I will reorganize the pantry. I want you to do grocery shopping."Kayla did not like going to the village shops. 
"I'm just about out of cigarettes," she added, "and get me some wine too."

After coffee he did an internet search for "cluster b personality" : 

Cluster b personalities (dramatic, erratic/emotional, narcissistic).

Cluster b personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety, being self-cent-red, avoiding responsibility and include the following traits: 

Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others 

Appearance: They are often very concerned with their physical appearance and what others think and say about them.

Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval 

Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification 

Blaming others: Blaming failure or disappointment on others 

Preoccupation with power

May have difficulty recognizing or identifying with the feelings and needs of others. 

Have trouble handling criticism, and may react with anger or rage. Inappropriate anger 

He would read some more later. Certainly the rage, anger and blame characteristics were Kayla's. He wondered why she had them. It didn't matter. He also didn't know why he had his particular set of characteristics.  His attitude softened when he thought of his own helpless responses. He realized Kayla would be equally helpless. Her responses would be different. Fueled by the different underlying characteristics she had. To her his behavior was probably equally puzzling. What was important is he now understood their different archetypes. And he had tools with which to work on improving their communication and avoiding fights.

He went to the shops for groceries and Kayla's wine and cigarettes. He was preoccupied with the picture that was developing in his mind. He did not know completely what his knee jerk behaviors were. He knew a few. When Kayla blamed him for something his first reaction was to try and make it right ... not give any thought to if her blame is justified. He would try to explain. After several attempts he'd experience anger and hit back. Often yelling accusations at her. It was the pattern. If only he could in those situations stand back and observe what was happening. Be calm, let her do her anger thing and allow time for her to let it out of her system. 

He replied to Rachel's email.  

Cluster a, b, c

Me to Rachel HM - HR

 

Hello Rachel

Thank you for your email. I'm seeing clearly. Part of me is relieved and I'm also concerned. I understand how fights between me and Kayla happens so easily. We are a perfect fit for one another ... I want to please ... she want's to avoid taking responsibility ... avoid anything that makes her less than perfect. 

I'm devastated when I feel I have disappointed her and then I have to defend and explain. She's not the sort of person that forgives. She doesn't want to say, "Sorry. I was hasty. Let's begin the conversation from scratch." No, that would be admitting that her discontent was an overreaction. So she just continues attacking. If she can make me wrong then her perfect image remains intact.

But you know, the strange thing is I'm still willing to acquiesce for the sake of peace and to make our communications better and fights fewer. Understanding the cluster c and b archetypes helps to be more rational when responding to her. I hope I can be more rational in my responses. 

 

Thank you for the time you give

 

Regars

 

Nathan 

 

He'd just sent the email when Kayla burst into the room, angry "You didn't get me my wine?"

The familiar fear feeling caught him in the gut. "I'll go get it. I forgot."

It would take him 15 minutes literally. Normally she'd be very pleasant and polite asking him to go buy her some wine. But this was different. She felt she had the upper hand because he'd forgotten. Now she could put him down for being forgetful. "You are the worst thing that ever happened to me!" She was literally shouting at him. "We had a nice home by the sea. Now I'm here in a trailer park home in the middle of the outback with dust from the street blowing in!"

She waited for him to respond. It was like he was looking down on the two of them. He wanted to say, "The house has nothing to do with the wine. You forget you bellyached about living like paupers in an expensive house. We agreed we'd sell the expensive house and buy cheaper so we could have money. You refused to participate in the purchase of another place. Repeatedly told me I must decide. Now you bellyache about this place," 

He knew any response would be an invitation for more abusive yelling. So he just held the fear feeling inside him. He did not make eye contact ... that would also be seen as defiance. When she realized there would be no response she turned and stomped out.

There would now be two or three days of sleeping in the spare room and heavy silences. It bothered him, but it was something in her he could not change. He was disappointed. Yes, he had forgotten. But Kayla's reaction was over the top, unreasonable and unwarranted. He got up and went to go and get her wine.

Rachel's reply came sooner than he expected.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello again, Nathan

I'm glad you find our exchanges useful. I have been thinking a lot about all you have told me about your life and about the pattern of you and Kayla['s interactions. There is something I must make you aware of. It would be wrong of me not to mention it. But, having said that please bare in mind, I am not a professional. My studies covered some of what I'm telling you. But I offer the information for you to consider. You are a sensible person and I know you will not over-react. You will use the information in a calm and calculated way. Perhaps reject it as irrelevant ... and that would be just fine.

It is very difficult for a medical health practitioner to certify someone as having a personality disorder. It's complex and takes a long time. On the other hand a person need not be certifiable as NPD for that person's cluster B characteristics to have a very destructive consequence in a relationship. 

From what you tell me Kayla has some of those. I have no doubt that she isn't a NPD person, but she does have some of the characteristics. Here is a list of the major symptoms:

extremely negative reactions to criticism

elevated sense of self-importance

preoccupation with grandiose thoughts of success

excessive need for admiration

strong sense of entitlement

People with this disorder often show a lack of empathy and may exploit personal relationships to elevate their self-image

She may also have anger issues, sometimes called narcissistic rage. This is an intense and often disproportionate emotional reaction that occurs when a person feels their self-esteem is threatened.

Two more things, both bad news; there isn't a "cure" for personality disorder. Typically people who have some characteristics associated with NPD do not change. Secondly, it is very hard to detect, because their behavior appears normal. They will show empathy and kindness. But it's a learned behavior. There is no compassion or real feeling underlying the behavior. They discovered at a young age that there's a payoff in appearing generous and kind. So, they do it. It's similar to you brushing your teeth. When tiny you were taught to do it. Now when you brush your teeth it feels good, but there's no compelling feeling underlying it.

Enough about her. Think about it carefully and make your own conclusions.

What I want to say to you would be incomplete without giving you an opinion on the metaphor that may be contained in your dream ... the lost and searching recurring dream. Do you think it's possible that the message from your subconscious is, Nathan, you are searching in the wrong place ... what you want, what you are looking for isn't there?

Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?

 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Regards

 

Rachel 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 9

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is walking two paths at the same time. He's exploring options with Rachel's help and he's also enjoying being spontaneous in Kayla's company. He no longer feels his interaction with Rachel is a betrayal. If it improves their relationship it's good.

Chapter 9

It was 05:30 when Nathan sat down at his computer. Kayla will sleep for at least an hour and a half more. He had been awake during the night, thinking what he should write to Rachel. She asked that he tell her more about himself. He decided to also tell her about Kayla. It must not create the impression that he is complaining about Kayla. There are problems in their interaction. What he is looking for is ways to adapt. He's more than ready to make adjustments. It's not about Kayla's faults. They both have good and bad communication habits. Nathan wants to find ways in which they could change.

He needed to make clear that there had been unsuccessful attempts to address their communication style and persistent fights. That he'd approached Kayla a number of times. But straight talk about working things out made her defensive. She always saw it as a criticism. And then there would be a fight. 

There was so much he wanted to say. In the end he trimmed down his email to just a few points. Almost everything becomes a fight. Kayla seems to see only the extremes ... no middle ground. Any problem becomes his "fault." Nathan avoids allocating blame. He believes it solves nothing. While Kayla immediately blames someone or something when things are not as she wants them to be.

He cannot recall a single incident when she admitted to doing anything wrong. In the time they have been together she has not once asked forgiveness for anything. Nobody can be that perfect. 

He included a few paragraphs about himself. He was a recovering alcoholic, sober for 20 years. A few relapses. He wrote about his work and hobbies. The importance of his relationship with Kayla.

Just a few sentences about the relationship with his mother. Then he sent the email.  

He made coffee and he and Munch went outside to enjoy the early morning.

There was a time he would smoke while having coffee. But he no longer craved smoking. Kayla smoked a lot. She had her favorite spot on the back veranda and would sit and smoke in silence for long periods. Often it was an agitated pulling without a pause till the cigarette was finished. Sometimes she'd immediately light another. 

He finished his coffee and went inside to prepare a cup for Kayla. She was awake and smiling. He sat down on the linen chest while she had her coffee. Nathan liked these moments. There was a closeness between them. Uncritical. Relaxed.

"What was the name of the time share we went to?" she asked. "The one with the chalets high above the sea?"

He remembered it well. The visit ended abruptly. There was a silly argument and they left before their time had expired. Two whole days before. "Dunes," he said. "Very private. Very quiet except for the kids on the trampoline that one day."

"That's the one. We should go again." A short pause, "I want to go again. Please let's go?" She had either forgotten the argument they had the last time or chose to not speak about it. The latter, he thought.

He pushed aside the feeling of apprehension. In the past a weekend away always ended up in an argument about something trivial. Then going back home earlier than planned. But this was their new life. Things will be different. "Should I call and see if we can get a reservation?"

She jumped from the bed and threw herself against him, "Today! Now! As soon as they open." Her enthusiasm was catching.

A chalet was immediately available. The kennel for Munch was also not a problem. Pack, kennels and be on their way early the following morning. This was the lifestyle he dreamed of. They were together. They were close. Their relationship was working. 

The timeshare was less than two hours from their home. They left the inland heat behind and followed the coastal route. The drive was very pleasant with Kayla chatting away happily. They delayed having lunch until after they'd checked in and unpacked. Then went to the village, a very short drive from their chalet. Lunch took them two hours. Not because they had a lot to eat, but because they enjoyed the time together. Nathan was happy. Like he was early in their relationship. 

Nathan woke up early as usual. Long before Kayla would stir. He did not bring a computer with him. He could do all he needed to on his cell phone. There was a reply from Rachel. 

Registration Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for going into detail. Objective detail. From what you tell me I can see that you are inclined towards being analytical, and you love detail. You are probably also meticulous and like things to be "right"

You mention the communications difficulties in your marriage. I want to suggest we start by getting to know you better. Of course you know yourself. But I want you to put what you know into words. Make a personality inventory is a way to look at it.

  

Background: There are many definitions of personality archetypes that assist us in how we define ourselves. I suggest you read up about cluster a, b and c. Please note that in any literature you find on the internet these are likely to be defined as "personality disorders" I want you to not think in terms of having a personality disorder. We all have them to a degree. The cluster characteristics in extreme form is a disorder. But very few people have them in their extreme form. I suggest looking at the extremes because it illustrates best what your leaning is. 

There is no "right" way to be. We want to basically just understand what our most likely responses are in a particular situation. To have a nomenclature for describing yourself.

From what you have told me about you my guess is that you are a cluster c person. Analytical, meticulous attention to detail,  probably sensitive to rejection and criticism ... there's more. I suggest start with cluster c characteristics. You'll allprobably find you have some a and c traits as well. But we tend to have a dominant archetype. 

 

Kayla probably has a different dominant archetype from you. We'll look at hers at a later stage. For now we get to understand yours. 

I look forward to working with you and to your email reply. 

Regards

Rachel

Nathan could see the plan in this approach. He liked the idea of using "personality disorders" to understand the characteristics. It's like using hyperbole to emphasize something. 

The organization's name, "Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships" made even more sense now. A healthy relationship ... objective self knowledge rather than knee-jerk reactions ... objective knowledge of your partner rather than knee-jerk reactions. Things were making sense. His uneasiness about doing this without Kayla was fading. He was glad he'd decided to do it. He liked how Rachel worked. 

He did an internet search for "cluster c personality" : 

Cluster c personalities (avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive).

Cluster c personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety and fear, and include the following traits: 

People with this disorder are highly sensitive to rejection and avoid social situations due to fear of being negatively judged. They may feel inadequate and socially inept, and have difficulty forming close relationships.

People with this disorder have an excessive need for care and validation from others, and have difficulty making decisions. They may be submissive and clingy, and have a fear of separation.

People with this disorder are perfectionists who have an extreme need for order and control. They may be adverse to change and have trouble completing tasks. They may also have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.

No, he wasn't clingy. Neither did he have a fear of separation. He agreed with most of the rest. He had never articulated "avoidant" but he could see that was what he did. It may even be the reason for drinking excessively ... to avoid feeling fear by numbing out. Excessively anxious was also a familiar feeling. And definitely inclined towards perfectionism. It was good to be able to put words to these characteristics. And to see it in himself. To own them! But discuss them with Kayla? No. He did not see himself doing that. He could however understand how being conscious of his fears and preferences would help in not reacting from his feelings. Rather identify the feeling and then ... oh yes, I know this one ... how best do I respond? He smiled to himself as he thought this. It will take practice. But he was up to it.

It was a light bulb moment. Thank you, Rachel.

Kayla was awake when he took coffee in for her. He could see she'd been awake a while. "Thank you. What shall we do today? I'm looking forward to having you all to myself all day." This was a rare mood for Kayla.

They looked at brochures in the chalet. They decided to pack a cardboard box with stuff and go into the forest for lunch. 

On their way out of the village Nathan bought some ice and a bottle of wine. He'd taken an ice bucket from the kitchen. The wine went into the ice bucket wedged firmly in a corner of the cardboard box. Then half the ice went in. Kayla would have chilled wine with her lunch.

It was a lovely afternoon. They explored a little. On the way back they stopped at a nice looking spot, walked into the forest a short distance. It was cool and damp and shaded. Perfect for a picnic lunch. 

He did not talk much. It wasn't necessary. Kayla talked non-stop while preparing food. Nathan hardly listened. He was just happy to be here and that she was obviously enjoying the time with him. This was a beautiful start to their week away from home. He wondered about the process he'd started with HM-HR and Rachel. Was it necessary to continue? Yes, he'd continue. It was his nature to finish things ... another characteristic confirming his place in the cluster c personality classification.

He'd found a comfortable spot to sit. His backrest was a massive indigenous White pear tree. When they'd eaten Kayla leaned against him while finishing the last of her wine. She dozed off. He removed the wine glass from her fingers and let her sleep. He was happy. Nathan needs someone to care about in his life ... he cared a lot about Kayla and he wanted her to be happy to be with him. And look forward to their time alone together.

It fitted what he'd read about cluster c personality ... "excessive need for care and validation from others ... " He supposed it was a lack of self-confidence. We are strange creatures. He had every reason to be confident. He'd had a successful career. Put together a fair nest egg for his retirement. And he and Kayla can live comfortably now. He was part of a sector of only 20% of people who have sufficient retirement funding when they stop working. Every reason to feel confident.

Okay, so he had to sell the expensive house in order to free up capital so they could live better. But still, they did not have to continue working just to survive. And they did not need their children to support them.

The fact is he was financially reasonably successful. But he needed care and validation from others. From Kayla specifically. He was over sensitive to anything that sounded remotely critical. That is one of the reasons for often ending up in arguments. Remedy: when next you feel like defending or explaining, pause. Don't defend or counter attack. Ask yourself, is this a criticism? Or is it your knee jerk fear? You want validation and this seems like the opposite. Take time to respond. Find something neutral to say.

The strategy Rachael had started him on was paying off. He was much more aware of the process when he and Kayla spoke ... as if looking down on the two of them. Being conscious of his feelings. Thinking before reacting. The rest of their time at Dunes went without angry incidents. Nathan was thrilled 

On the second night his recurring dream happened again. The building, the broken stairs. And his feelings of frustration while searching and experiencing only dead ends. The things that were always the same were the building, the location of the building, the roads to and from the building. He was always searching unsuccessfully. Not ever knowing what it was he was searching for. The interior was not consistently the same. Often there was a broken staircase, but not every time. He wrote to Rachael about all this the following morning. Told her in as much detail as he could recall. And also wrote about how frequently he had the dream and for how long it had been happening. It did not seem to be linked to any person or recent incident. It would just happen. Then months would go by and he wouldn't have the dream. Perhaps Rachel would help him discover the metaphor. What it was he was searching for.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 8

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

He'd read about what it means to be an empath, but Nathan knows with complete certainty he isn't one. He has a compassionate understanding of another's situation, but from the outside. He doesn't become what the other person feels. Nevertheless, if the subject of his focus is discontented or hurt, Nathan must fix it. He believes he can. He can become the hero of the situation. He can become the solution, he can change. He believes he can become how she wants him to be.

Chapter 8

The silences, sleeping in separate rooms and not sharing meals lasted two days. A few times he wanted to go to her and say, "Keylie, let's stop this nonsense please," but he didn't. Nathan knew from past attempts it would not work. When she's had enough, she will come to him. So, he waited, but it was awkward. He felt uneasy all the time.
He went for long walks with Munch. There was only one park bench along the route he normally walked. When he sat down there Munch would jump up and sit next to him. Her presence was a comfort, and he rubbed her ears and spoke out loud to her. She dog-smiled back at him no matter what he said. It made him feel heard and relieved the tension.

Eventually Kayla ended it, "I don't like sleeping alone," she said out of the blue, "can we end this?"

He knew it wasn't a question. It was a demand with the intonation of a question.

He wanted to say, "I was not the one who moved into the spare room." If he said it, she would react with anger. He could never just speak to her freely, say whatever was on his mind. Somehow the subject would be shifted. It would become personal, and he would be pushed down. 

Kayla was not someone he could confide in. Often something he'd said a long time ago would come up and be used against him in an argument. So, he learned to keep quiet and to sensor himself. In conversations with her he chose his words carefully. It had become a habit. This way he could prevent put-downs or giving her information she could use against him at a later time.

He knew he was actually very alone despite being in a relationship.

So, he stopped himself and said instead, "I don't either. I'm glad we feel the same." He put his arms around her and felt genuine relief. The uncertainty drained out of him like a pressure release valve had tripped.

Even so, in his mind he kept going over the incident and Kayla's reaction. These silences bothered him and he could not discuss it with her for fear of how she'd react. He mulled over the option of seeking counselling. It went against his principles; couple problems are resolved in the relationship. Perhaps involving a counselor, but together, always. You don't go outside the marriage, discuss it with a third party. That would be like lobbying support against your partner. Right or wrong, it was a value he holds.

She chose Tuesday to go to a "proper" shopping mall to find rugs. This was good. Things were returning to normal. 

They traveled in silence. It was a pleasant silence. The car went through the curves in the pass comfortably. Nathan did not enjoy driving fast. He dropped her at the mall and went to do his things, bank, hardware store, dog food. It did not take long. He went to a coffee shop in the mall. Kayla would call him when she'd completed her rug shopping. They'd do weekly groceries together and then go for lunch. 

Before he'd finished his coffee Kayla called. They arranged to meet outside the supermarket. She could not wait for lunch time to tell him about the rugs. He followed her with the shopping trolley, and she talked excitedly about the rugs. The supplier could do custom sizes. The rugs were earthy colors, course weave, rubberized and came with bound edges. The shop had loaned her a swatch of rug textures and colors. There would be a waiting time between ordering and delivery. The price per square meter was good.

The restaurant was not far from the shopping mall. They chose an inside table. The outside seating was pleasant. However, the light was very bright despite the tables being in the shade of two majestic oak trees. 

Kayla brought the samples with her into the restaurant. He liked her excitement. He liked seeing her happy and smiling. As soon as they'd given the waiter their orders she started planning and visualizing out loud. Holding samples at arm's length and sharing her mind's-eye-picture with him. "For the passage. What do you think?" And without waiting for an answer, "Do you like the color?"

"Darling, the colors are all lovely," he really liked them all. "You choose. I don't even know if I prefer all the same texture or mix them a little. It's good you got the samples. We can lay them on the floor to help us decide."

Halfway through the pass on their way home he sensed Kayla's mood had changed. They were in one of the sharper curves in the road when she did an exaggerated grab for the hand grip on the door. She pushed the other hand against the dashboard. Her body language very clear, "We will crash! Drive properly!"

Nathan offered no response. Nothing. She was dangling the bait. She was agitated. Or bored. His driving had nothing to do with it. Anything, any defense, any remark or question would be escalated. It would become heated. Which gave her the opportunity to turn it into a personal attack. He knew the road well. 20 kilometers of curves and many sharp bends. They were all signposted with 40 km/h warnings. 40 km/h was overly conservative. There were only two bends that required a speed lower than 50. He knew them and wouldn't attempt them at more than 45 km/h. Even at 50 it wasn't unsafe. But in the interest of passenger comfort and to prevent stuff from sliding around he drove at reasonable speed. He always drove at lower speeds through the pass. There was seldom any need to use the brakes to slow down.

Another exaggerated grab. He ignored it. It wasn't even a very sharp bend. The pointless altercation of the roses and planters two days before was still fresh in his mind. It accentuated his resolve to not respond. Why was it so difficult to be together peacefully? Why was it so hard to discuss differences with the purpose of finding middle ground? It seemed every disagreement must be turned into who's right and who's wrong. And it was always he who was wrong. Holy shit! Different opinions can coexist ... why in their case must there always be only one ... and it had to be hers?

What he considered normal conversation seemed possible only if she was in the right mood. More often than not normal conversation was impossible. Somehow their interactions became tense, stress-laden and negative. And he couldn't even discuss this with her. He made up his mind. He would search online. There must be sites that offer counselling. Perhaps something like a counselling hub. A site that offers peer to peer discussions with others who have a similar dilemma. Or perhaps a knowledgeable other person to help him unravel things. 

He drove on mulling the thought. It would not be the same as discussing relationship problems outside the marriage. Not really in that one would not actually be with another person ... it's a cyber conversation. No harm in exploring it anyway. He wouldn't do it to gain the upper hand. He just wanted to understand better. Perhaps he could make changes so he and Kayla could communicate better.

They spent the afternoon planning and measuring. Once they had all the measurements they decided on textures. The colors did not matter to Nathan, they were all earthy and very much the same. He had made up his mind to google a counselling service the next morning. He was always up long before Kayla. It was his time to do emails and read the news online before they had breakfast together. 

Kayla had made notes of sizes and colors. She would order the rugs in the morning she said. 

He woke up before her as usual. He let Munch out and made himself a cup of coffee. His Google search for "counselling hub relationship" brought up a vast number of links. He selected a promising sounding link from the list. It required registration, create a profile. One then posted on a bulletin board and anybody could respond. It was too public for his liking.

After more browsing he selected another site. He liked the name, "Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships." They also wanted registration and to fill in a form. Presumably to create a profile. He chose a second email account, one Kayla could not access. He felt guilty about doing it. It was a stealthy action. He justified it to himself by rationalizing that she had on occasion read his journal and looked through text messages on his cell phone. He did not want her to know about this now. Maybe later.

There was an immediate auto-response from the site. His application would be evaluated. One of their counselors would contact him by email. Everything would be confidential. 

There was an email from Rachel, the HM - HR consultant, in the early afternoon. Nathan had anticipated some boilerplate response, but this was personal and friendly. She offered no details about herself. He understood that ... professional. She didn't ask about the reason for him wanting counselling. She merely asked him to outline some background. She wanted information that would help her know a little more about him: 

Registration Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello Nathan

I'm glad to know you and welcome to HM - HR. 

Please tell me as much as you want about yourself. I'd like to know more about you than what we get from the form you filled in. Obviously you and I will get to know one another better over time. As a start point, please tell me who you are as you would to someone you have just met.

In the free form part of your application you mentioned you love animals, music and motorbikes. And that you have adult children and you enjoy working with your hands. That gives me a pretty decent picture already of who you are. I sense you have an analytical nature. I think we are all somewhat analytical. We want to make sense of things that happen to us. How these affect our lives, our feelings and our world. It's human nature to have things "make sense." Especially in our relationships we want to know what works so we can repeat them. We want to know what doesn't work so we can change them. I gather this is the reason why you are "searching." I will do my best to help you with that.

I look forward to working with you and to your email reply. I want to again reassure you that all we discuss is confidential, between you and I.

Regards

Rachel

 

What a lovely email, he thought. She is someone he could talk to. Someone who'd hear him and not negate his feelings and opinions. Nathan had a good feeling about this new contact.  He still felt guilty about going outside his relationship. No matter how much he rationalized that he was doing this to improve their relationship, he was uneasy. He decided he would continue. He would go ahead, seek counselling on his own. He had crossed a self imposed red line. It violated a personal core value. But, he will do it.

On the whole he felt good. He felt less alone than he'd been for a long time. Early days, but there was someone in his corner. What will he tell Rachel? He knew from other counselling sessions that the format is not one where you state your problem and the counselor gives you a solution. It is a process of self-discovery. Where will he start?