Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 8

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

He'd read about what it means to be an empath, but Nathan knows with complete certainty he isn't one. He has a compassionate understanding of another's situation, but from the outside. He doesn't become what the other person feels. Nevertheless, if the subject of his focus is discontented or hurt, Nathan must fix it. He believes he can. He can become the hero of the situation. He can become the solution, he can change. He believes he can become how she wants him to be.

Chapter 8

The silences, sleeping in separate rooms and not sharing meals lasted two days. A few times he wanted to go to her and say, "Keylie, let's stop this nonsense please," but he didn't. Nathan knew from past attempts it would not work. When she's had enough, she will come to him. So, he waited, but it was awkward. He felt uneasy all the time.
He went for long walks with Munch. There was only one park bench along the route he normally walked. When he sat down there Munch would jump up and sit next to him. Her presence was a comfort, and he rubbed her ears and spoke out loud to her. She dog-smiled back at him no matter what he said. It made him feel heard and relieved the tension.

Eventually Kayla ended it, "I don't like sleeping alone," she said out of the blue, "can we end this?"

He knew it wasn't a question. It was a demand with the intonation of a question.

He wanted to say, "I was not the one who moved into the spare room." If he said it, she would react with anger. He could never just speak to her freely, say whatever was on his mind. Somehow the subject would be shifted. It would become personal, and he would be pushed down. 

Kayla was not someone he could confide in. Often something he'd said a long time ago would come up and be used against him in an argument. So, he learned to keep quiet and to sensor himself. In conversations with her he chose his words carefully. It had become a habit. This way he could prevent put-downs or giving her information she could use against him at a later time.

He knew he was actually very alone despite being in a relationship.

So, he stopped himself and said instead, "I don't either. I'm glad we feel the same." He put his arms around her and felt genuine relief. The uncertainty drained out of him like a pressure release valve had tripped.

Even so, in his mind he kept going over the incident and Kayla's reaction. These silences bothered him and he could not discuss it with her for fear of how she'd react. He mulled over the option of seeking counselling. It went against his principles; couple problems are resolved in the relationship. Perhaps involving a counselor, but together, always. You don't go outside the marriage, discuss it with a third party. That would be like lobbying support against your partner. Right or wrong, it was a value he holds.

She chose Tuesday to go to a "proper" shopping mall to find rugs. This was good. Things were returning to normal. 

They traveled in silence. It was a pleasant silence. The car went through the curves in the pass comfortably. Nathan did not enjoy driving fast. He dropped her at the mall and went to do his things, bank, hardware store, dog food. It did not take long. He went to a coffee shop in the mall. Kayla would call him when she'd completed her rug shopping. They'd do weekly groceries together and then go for lunch. 

Before he'd finished his coffee Kayla called. They arranged to meet outside the supermarket. She could not wait for lunch time to tell him about the rugs. He followed her with the shopping trolley, and she talked excitedly about the rugs. The supplier could do custom sizes. The rugs were earthy colors, course weave, rubberized and came with bound edges. The shop had loaned her a swatch of rug textures and colors. There would be a waiting time between ordering and delivery. The price per square meter was good.

The restaurant was not far from the shopping mall. They chose an inside table. The outside seating was pleasant. However, the light was very bright despite the tables being in the shade of two majestic oak trees. 

Kayla brought the samples with her into the restaurant. He liked her excitement. He liked seeing her happy and smiling. As soon as they'd given the waiter their orders she started planning and visualizing out loud. Holding samples at arm's length and sharing her mind's-eye-picture with him. "For the passage. What do you think?" And without waiting for an answer, "Do you like the color?"

"Darling, the colors are all lovely," he really liked them all. "You choose. I don't even know if I prefer all the same texture or mix them a little. It's good you got the samples. We can lay them on the floor to help us decide."

Halfway through the pass on their way home he sensed Kayla's mood had changed. They were in one of the sharper curves in the road when she did an exaggerated grab for the hand grip on the door. She pushed the other hand against the dashboard. Her body language very clear, "We will crash! Drive properly!"

Nathan offered no response. Nothing. She was dangling the bait. She was agitated. Or bored. His driving had nothing to do with it. Anything, any defense, any remark or question would be escalated. It would become heated. Which gave her the opportunity to turn it into a personal attack. He knew the road well. 20 kilometers of curves and many sharp bends. They were all signposted with 40 km/h warnings. 40 km/h was overly conservative. There were only two bends that required a speed lower than 50. He knew them and wouldn't attempt them at more than 45 km/h. Even at 50 it wasn't unsafe. But in the interest of passenger comfort and to prevent stuff from sliding around he drove at reasonable speed. He always drove at lower speeds through the pass. There was seldom any need to use the brakes to slow down.

Another exaggerated grab. He ignored it. It wasn't even a very sharp bend. The pointless altercation of the roses and planters two days before was still fresh in his mind. It accentuated his resolve to not respond. Why was it so difficult to be together peacefully? Why was it so hard to discuss differences with the purpose of finding middle ground? It seemed every disagreement must be turned into who's right and who's wrong. And it was always he who was wrong. Holy shit! Different opinions can coexist ... why in their case must there always be only one ... and it had to be hers?

What he considered normal conversation seemed possible only if she was in the right mood. More often than not normal conversation was impossible. Somehow their interactions became tense, stress-laden and negative. And he couldn't even discuss this with her. He made up his mind. He would search online. There must be sites that offer counselling. Perhaps something like a counselling hub. A site that offers peer to peer discussions with others who have a similar dilemma. Or perhaps a knowledgeable other person to help him unravel things. 

He drove on mulling the thought. It would not be the same as discussing relationship problems outside the marriage. Not really in that one would not actually be with another person ... it's a cyber conversation. No harm in exploring it anyway. He wouldn't do it to gain the upper hand. He just wanted to understand better. Perhaps he could make changes so he and Kayla could communicate better.

They spent the afternoon planning and measuring. Once they had all the measurements they decided on textures. The colors did not matter to Nathan, they were all earthy and very much the same. He had made up his mind to google a counselling service the next morning. He was always up long before Kayla. It was his time to do emails and read the news online before they had breakfast together. 

Kayla had made notes of sizes and colors. She would order the rugs in the morning she said. 

He woke up before her as usual. He let Munch out and made himself a cup of coffee. His Google search for "counselling hub relationship" brought up a vast number of links. He selected a promising sounding link from the list. It required registration, create a profile. One then posted on a bulletin board and anybody could respond. It was too public for his liking.

After more browsing he selected another site. He liked the name, "Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships." They also wanted registration and to fill in a form. Presumably to create a profile. He chose a second email account, one Kayla could not access. He felt guilty about doing it. It was a stealthy action. He justified it to himself by rationalizing that she had on occasion read his journal and looked through text messages on his cell phone. He did not want her to know about this now. Maybe later.

There was an immediate auto-response from the site. His application would be evaluated. One of their counselors would contact him by email. Everything would be confidential. 

There was an email from Rachel, the HM - HR consultant, in the early afternoon. Nathan had anticipated some boilerplate response, but this was personal and friendly. She offered no details about herself. He understood that ... professional. She didn't ask about the reason for him wanting counselling. She merely asked him to outline some background. She wanted information that would help her know a little more about him: 

Registration Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello Nathan

I'm glad to know you and welcome to HM - HR. 

Please tell me as much as you want about yourself. I'd like to know more about you than what we get from the form you filled in. Obviously you and I will get to know one another better over time. As a start point, please tell me who you are as you would to someone you have just met.

In the free form part of your application you mentioned you love animals, music and motorbikes. And that you have adult children and you enjoy working with your hands. That gives me a pretty decent picture already of who you are. I sense you have an analytical nature. I think we are all somewhat analytical. We want to make sense of things that happen to us. How these affect our lives, our feelings and our world. It's human nature to have things "make sense." Especially in our relationships we want to know what works so we can repeat them. We want to know what doesn't work so we can change them. I gather this is the reason why you are "searching." I will do my best to help you with that.

I look forward to working with you and to your email reply. I want to again reassure you that all we discuss is confidential, between you and I.

Regards

Rachel

 

What a lovely email, he thought. She is someone he could talk to. Someone who'd hear him and not negate his feelings and opinions. Nathan had a good feeling about this new contact.  He still felt guilty about going outside his relationship. No matter how much he rationalized that he was doing this to improve their relationship, he was uneasy. He decided he would continue. He would go ahead, seek counselling on his own. He had crossed a self imposed red line. It violated a personal core value. But, he will do it.

On the whole he felt good. He felt less alone than he'd been for a long time. Early days, but there was someone in his corner. What will he tell Rachel? He knew from other counselling sessions that the format is not one where you state your problem and the counselor gives you a solution. It is a process of self-discovery. Where will he start?