Preamble
Chapter 12
She did not call him to say she'd arrived safely.
He called her late the next day, "Are you settled? Was the bus trip okay?"
She did not answer his questions, but she sounded happy, "Evelyn and I spent the morning at the mall. The one I like, with the wide passages? We didn't spend much money ... so, relax. It was lovely. She took off from work and devoted the day to treating me."
Nathan did not share Kayla's enthusiasm for mall-crawling. "I'm glad. And how is everyone there?"
The conversation continued on a superficial level. There were kitchen noises in the background. He guessed they were preparing for the evening meal.
Later he checked his email. There was a short one from Rachel.
Re: The Bus
Rachel HM-HR to me
Hello Nathan
Thank you for your email. I understand that it's a disturbing thing to have happen to you. I would like you to adjust your focus. I understand that you feel you did something wrong. But stand back and look at it from a higher perspective ... this is Kayla's issue, not yours. She chose to be disaffectionate and distant. Rude IMO. Do not take this upon yourself.
I know how difficult it is to not feel that you are somehow partly responsible. I want to persuade you otherwise. It has been the quick and easy way for you to create peace in the household. You are accustomed to this way of dealing with it. But it is wrong, Nathan. As an outsider I can see it. I encourage you to take a dispassionate look at what happened. You will see.
I want to close with a quotation from Eva Curie:
“We discovered that peace at any price is no peace at all...that life at any price has no value whatever; that life is nothing without the privileges, the prides, the rights, the joys that make it worth living and also worth giving...and that there is something more hideous, more atrocious than war or than death; and that is to live in fear.”
Regards.
Rachel.
Rachel's email continued buzzing in his head.
"Am I living in fear?"
"No," he answered himself, "it's not fear. It's more like being constantly vigilant, constantly checking that what I do or say won't upset Kayla."
"But, then why am I constantly concerned about perhaps upsetting her? Try to answer that honestly. What would happen if she's upset?"
He knew what the answer was. Reluctantly he acknowledged, "Because when she yells and badgers me I feel cornered. I don't know what to do. I feel I have no options ... just suck it up. I feel like a four year old being scolded by an adult. The same fear I had when I was a child comes back. The only other thing I can do is yell back. I don't want to yell back. Being in the no man's land where I have only the suck it up option makes me nauseous. Yes, I am fearful. But fortunately I have tools now, the b personality and c personality insights Rachel helped me find. Over time and with practice those insights will help me be calm when she's in one of her moods. I'll be able to retreat into an observer role ... take a step back and see her and see myself objectively in those moments."
He looked forward to the next few days. It would be nice without Kayla here. She had given him no indication how long she would be away, He was used to this. When she wants to come back, she'll call, he thought to himself.
But it wasn't like that. Two weeks went by. She asked for money twice and he did electronic transfers to her account. Towards the end of the third week she called one evening. She opened the conversation with, "How are you?"
Nathan responded with, "I'm fine. Are you still enjoying yourself there?"
"I want a divorce," she said. Just like that. He felt numb. Then bewildered as the reality came into focus ... he has to let go of his grow old together dream. Right here, in this moment, he had to let it go. The reality was that it had stopped being a dream long ago. It had been an illusion for a long time already. An illusion that he had unconsciously clung to in hope.
Kayla's discontent had finally matured into wanting a split.
In seconds he realized he wasn't shocked so much as surprised. Surprised at the timing. Why did she not raise the subject before she left or wait till she came back? There could be a face to face discussion. Surely she knew it was what she wanted when she made plans to go to Evelyn for a visit? Clearly it was not a "visit" it was step one of her exit plan.
He recovered quickly. "Okay," he said. Have you thought about what's a reasonable settlement? Or do you want some time to think about it?" There was no point in against putting it off. He knew Kayla well. Any attempt to dissuade her was pointless. When she has decided on something there was no need for discussion as far as she was concerned ... this is how she wants it and this is how it would be.
"Five hundred thousand," she responded as if she were asking him to go buy her a pack of cigarettes.
Nathan isn't a haggler. He saw no point in haggling over the amount. The law is on her side. In the past there had been several arguments and fights in which she threatened, "I came into this marriage with nothing ... I'll leave with nothing !" Now was not the time to remind her of those words. He said quietly, "I'll get Howard to draw up the documentation. No point in dragging things out ... you and I have a verbal agreement ... we put it in writing and get it done."
"Let me know." Her words sounding like she wanted to twist the knife. "I'll tell you when I need money. Even though I'm staying with Evelyn I have expenses. And we are still married."
The conversation left him feeling exhausted. "Suck it up," he thought. "It is what it is. Even though you don't want to be divorced, there's absolutely no point in trying to continue. It will sound like you are begging. And she will feed off that and just become more determined."
He knew her well.
He thought momentarily about having a drink. But that would probably cause him to relapse into a bender with no end in sight. And at a time when he needed a clear mind. He decided instead to write an email to Howard and get the ball rolling. This was it. He was the proud owner of a failed marriage. "Get it behind you. You have lived with the constant fear of this moment for years already," he told himself. Then he sat down to write the email.
Howard replied early the following day. He emphasized that he wasn't a divorce lawyer. But since it was a simple settlement, 500 000, uncontested, he agreed to do it. Please provide him with copies of ID's. A draft should be ready in less than two weeks.
Nathan was still stunned. There was the part of him that felt like someone had died. A sadness he could taste. Disillusioned and disappointed. The other part was his Stoic acceptance ... it's happened ... contain the material and financial damage as best he could. He had no appetite and the thought of drinking came up regularly over the next few days.
He wasn't lonely. Before he met Kayla he'd lived alone for many years. But that was not the only reason ... he often felt alone while they were together. She had a way of making him feel isolated for long periods throughout the years they were together. That was worse than being alone.
The world doesn't stop when trouble hits you. There were chores to do, bills to pay and responsibilities. He spent the next few days taking care of these as best he could. He enjoyed the walks with Munch. Thank God for Munch. She was always happy and her lovely nature motivated him to not succumb to mope and dawdle in a depressed state. Rather stay active even though you don't want to do it.
He was awake for long hours at night. Despite trying to not think of Kayla, he did. It suddenly struck him why she moved the Iceland Roses from containers to the ground.
For weeks, perhaps months, she had been an "absent" and disinterested version of herself. During this time her days were spent sitting and drinking wine and smoking on the back porch. Then suddenly, just before announcing her plan to visit Evelyn, she had the gardener replant the roses. Giving up on her powerful preference for container plants was a symbolic giving up act. Giving up on her marriage. The long hours spent drinking and smoking had brought her to the conclusion to exit the marriage.
Or was it just the signal that she had decided when to actually exit ? The more he mulled it over the more convinced he was that the decision to end the marriage started much earlier. The Iceland Roses incident was the final decision in her exit plan.
The reason why she had agreed to him selling the expensive house and buy cheaper in the country now also made sense. She wanted fixed property converted to cash and she planned to take a portion of hard cash with her in the divorce. It also explained why she had refused to go house-hunting with him. It explained it perfectly. Name one woman who will not want a say in the choice of house she was going to !
The puzzle pieces were fitting together for Nathan. Kayla had been planning this for years. He was not angry with her. He was a little angry with himself for being naive and for not wanting to see what was happening under his nose. All the discontent she expressed and all the complaining she did, the insults and personal attacks on him. They all made sense and found their places in the puzzle.
He had been living in this dream of growing old together. A dream that couldn't work. A dream kept alive by him. A desperate attempt at finding love, loyalty and a soul mate in the shadow time of his life. Ended. Just like that. He realized it had been his last chance. He was now too old. He'd run out of time to find his soul mate. Let alone time to consolidate their bond and enjoy the togetherness of a real relationship. Kayla had used up the last years of the time available to do it.
It really was too late.
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