Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 10

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

In his eagerness to fix things Nathan often thinks something is fixed when it isn't. One could call it foolish. Perhaps even delusional. Unrealistically idealistic would be a better description. He sometimes wants something so much that he is blind to anything that doesn't fit into his plan.

Chapter 10

The days went by doing normal things. Kayla and Nathan were both happy and enjoyed just being at home together after their week away. Munch wasn't particularly elated to be fetched from the Kennels. Nathan took this to mean that kennel food was better. His morning routine had become, let the dog out and have a cup of coffee. He'd watch the sky get lighter as the sun rose. After coffee there would be up to an hour for emails and social media. Then he'd take coffee in for Kayla.

Rachel was quick to respond to his email about his "broken stairs" recurring dream.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

 

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for the feedback on your cluster c reading. I'd like you to do the same for Kayla's best fit archetype . As best you can determine for yourself which cluster she fits in. From what  you tell me I would not be  surprised if it's cluster b. Assume for a moment it is. You'll need a thorough understanding of b and of c in order to streamline communication. 

Hard but doable.

 

Anther point: if she's a cluster b person it would be better keep what you and I discuss to yourself. Cluster b's do not like criticism and often see suggested changes as criticism. In any event if this works you have achieved what you want to do ... whether she knows or not isn't important. I understand you feel it may be a betrayal of sorts. But first prize is getting your relationship to work well, isn't it?  

Thank you for sharing your broken staircase dream. I agree, it is important. Recurring dreams are always important. It may be vital for you to uncover the metaphor. Only you can do it. I can offer suggestions. But it is your job. Think hard. Write to me about it some more. Describe the people you knew and now meet again in your dream building. Colors. Smells. Emotions. Keep working on it. The major theme, you search but don't know what for. The frustration and dead ends. They're all consistently there and IMO important.  

I look forward to your emails. You will get there. You are a determined person. I sense giving up is not in your vocabulary. 

Regards

Rachel

He made a cup of coffee for Kayla and took it to the room for her. He loved these moments. She was relaxed and liked having him there. Munch came in and lay at his feet. "Darling, what's the important thing on your agenda for today?" If he knew he could fit in with her plans. Nathan realized that over time he'd more and more focused on what she wanted. To the point of not even expressing his own preferences. Rather waiting for her or asking what she wanted. He did not feel it was negative. Most of what she wanted he was okay with anyway. And he could juggle his priorities around those.

"Maria and I will reorganize the pantry. I want you to do grocery shopping."Kayla did not like going to the village shops. 
"I'm just about out of cigarettes," she added, "and get me some wine too."

After coffee he did an internet search for "cluster b personality" : 

Cluster b personalities (dramatic, erratic/emotional, narcissistic).

Cluster b personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety, being self-cent-red, avoiding responsibility and include the following traits: 

Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others 

Appearance: They are often very concerned with their physical appearance and what others think and say about them.

Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval 

Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification 

Blaming others: Blaming failure or disappointment on others 

Preoccupation with power

May have difficulty recognizing or identifying with the feelings and needs of others. 

Have trouble handling criticism, and may react with anger or rage. Inappropriate anger 

He would read some more later. Certainly the rage, anger and blame characteristics were Kayla's. He wondered why she had them. It didn't matter. He also didn't know why he had his particular set of characteristics.  His attitude softened when he thought of his own helpless responses. He realized Kayla would be equally helpless. Her responses would be different. Fueled by the different underlying characteristics she had. To her his behavior was probably equally puzzling. What was important is he now understood their different archetypes. And he had tools with which to work on improving their communication and avoiding fights.

He went to the shops for groceries and Kayla's wine and cigarettes. He was preoccupied with the picture that was developing in his mind. He did not know completely what his knee jerk behaviors were. He knew a few. When Kayla blamed him for something his first reaction was to try and make it right ... not give any thought to if her blame is justified. He would try to explain. After several attempts he'd experience anger and hit back. Often yelling accusations at her. It was the pattern. If only he could in those situations stand back and observe what was happening. Be calm, let her do her anger thing and allow time for her to let it out of her system. 

He replied to Rachel's email.  

Cluster a, b, c

Me to Rachel HM - HR

 

Hello Rachel

Thank you for your email. I'm seeing clearly. Part of me is relieved and I'm also concerned. I understand how fights between me and Kayla happens so easily. We are a perfect fit for one another ... I want to please ... she want's to avoid taking responsibility ... avoid anything that makes her less than perfect. 

I'm devastated when I feel I have disappointed her and then I have to defend and explain. She's not the sort of person that forgives. She doesn't want to say, "Sorry. I was hasty. Let's begin the conversation from scratch." No, that would be admitting that her discontent was an overreaction. So she just continues attacking. If she can make me wrong then her perfect image remains intact.

But you know, the strange thing is I'm still willing to acquiesce for the sake of peace and to make our communications better and fights fewer. Understanding the cluster c and b archetypes helps to be more rational when responding to her. I hope I can be more rational in my responses. 

 

Thank you for the time you give

 

Regars

 

Nathan 

 

He'd just sent the email when Kayla burst into the room, angry "You didn't get me my wine?"

The familiar fear feeling caught him in the gut. "I'll go get it. I forgot."

It would take him 15 minutes literally. Normally she'd be very pleasant and polite asking him to go buy her some wine. But this was different. She felt she had the upper hand because he'd forgotten. Now she could put him down for being forgetful. "You are the worst thing that ever happened to me!" She was literally shouting at him. "We had a nice home by the sea. Now I'm here in a trailer park home in the middle of the outback with dust from the street blowing in!"

She waited for him to respond. It was like he was looking down on the two of them. He wanted to say, "The house has nothing to do with the wine. You forget you bellyached about living like paupers in an expensive house. We agreed we'd sell the expensive house and buy cheaper so we could have money. You refused to participate in the purchase of another place. Repeatedly told me I must decide. Now you bellyache about this place," 

He knew any response would be an invitation for more abusive yelling. So he just held the fear feeling inside him. He did not make eye contact ... that would also be seen as defiance. When she realized there would be no response she turned and stomped out.

There would now be two or three days of sleeping in the spare room and heavy silences. It bothered him, but it was something in her he could not change. He was disappointed. Yes, he had forgotten. But Kayla's reaction was over the top, unreasonable and unwarranted. He got up and went to go and get her wine.

Rachel's reply came sooner than he expected.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello again, Nathan

I'm glad you find our exchanges useful. I have been thinking a lot about all you have told me about your life and about the pattern of you and Kayla['s interactions. There is something I must make you aware of. It would be wrong of me not to mention it. But, having said that please bare in mind, I am not a professional. My studies covered some of what I'm telling you. But I offer the information for you to consider. You are a sensible person and I know you will not over-react. You will use the information in a calm and calculated way. Perhaps reject it as irrelevant ... and that would be just fine.

It is very difficult for a medical health practitioner to certify someone as having a personality disorder. It's complex and takes a long time. On the other hand a person need not be certifiable as NPD for that person's cluster B characteristics to have a very destructive consequence in a relationship. 

From what you tell me Kayla has some of those. I have no doubt that she isn't a NPD person, but she does have some of the characteristics. Here is a list of the major symptoms:

extremely negative reactions to criticism

elevated sense of self-importance

preoccupation with grandiose thoughts of success

excessive need for admiration

strong sense of entitlement

People with this disorder often show a lack of empathy and may exploit personal relationships to elevate their self-image

She may also have anger issues, sometimes called narcissistic rage. This is an intense and often disproportionate emotional reaction that occurs when a person feels their self-esteem is threatened.

Two more things, both bad news; there isn't a "cure" for personality disorder. Typically people who have some characteristics associated with NPD do not change. Secondly, it is very hard to detect, because their behavior appears normal. They will show empathy and kindness. But it's a learned behavior. There is no compassion or real feeling underlying the behavior. They discovered at a young age that there's a payoff in appearing generous and kind. So, they do it. It's similar to you brushing your teeth. When tiny you were taught to do it. Now when you brush your teeth it feels good, but there's no compelling feeling underlying it.

Enough about her. Think about it carefully and make your own conclusions.

What I want to say to you would be incomplete without giving you an opinion on the metaphor that may be contained in your dream ... the lost and searching recurring dream. Do you think it's possible that the message from your subconscious is, Nathan, you are searching in the wrong place ... what you want, what you are looking for isn't there?

Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?

 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Regards

 

Rachel