Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 2

 

Preamble

Read chapters in numerical order. The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Had Nathan known anger was Kayla's default approach to differences he may have reconsidered how to handle the next steps in his journey with her. He did not know he would be forced to back down every time. He was unaware of her incapacity to compromise. She had a win-lose style, my-way-or-I'm-gone. But even if he did know, chances are he may still have chosen to let attraction override pragmatism.

Chapter 2

Nathan slept well. The call to Kayla had dispelled his apprehension. The sun was just rising over the hill behind his house. He let Mila out. Then he made himself a cup of coffee. Nathan called his coffee an Amerispresso. The way he made it. an over-extracted smallish Americana, would not muster approval from any self respecting barista. It's how he liked it. They can keep their pretentious standards. 

He enjoyed early mornings outside. Sipping coffee and taking in the fresh surroundings. It wasn't cold. Not a cloud. Only a vapor trail thirty thousand feet up. Tapered. Narrowing in the direction in which the plane was flying. It stretched from the horizon to almost as far as the other extreme of the piece of sky he could see. No sound from what he assumed was probably an Airbus. Where are they going? All those people. Each with his own set of priorities, fears and things to look forward to. 

He returned to his reflections of the previous day, of how they met and the time before they were married. 

They almost did not get married. He thought back on that incident. Episode rather. Or perhaps even an early crisis. It happened even before she moved in with him. They were having breakfast in their favorite coffee shop. Actually it was Kayla's favorite ... she was cost conscious and this particular place provided good value for money. He was less fussy. She normally chose where they went and he even let her order for him most times they ate out.

Kayla was chatting away about her sister's "farewell" party. Madge had landed a contract in Mauritius. She's a nurse. It was a very lucrative contract. Her husband Luke would go with her. Nathan listened. He enjoyed the sound of her voice. He was content, leaning back in his chair, relaxed. One could see it in his expression; he wasn't smiling, just had a relaxed look of happy-to-be-here. That was how he felt inside, happy that a chance meeting had brought his life partner to him. A life partner for their shared golden years. 

When Kayla announced that Madge's party would be the following Friday he realized it was the same day as Rosalind's 21st. Rosalind is his only grandchild, he's son, Shawn's child. He told Kayla and suggested she go to her sister's party and he'd go to Rosalind's event. 

"But I want you there!" she exclaimed loudly putting down her fork with a clang. "I want my husband-to-be to be there." 

Nathan was caught off guard by the intensity of her response. "It's a reasonable compromise, darling. Surely you understand I can't not go to my grandchild's 21st?" 

"Is this how it's going to be? You call the shots?" She was visibly angry. 

Her anger shocked him. This was crazy; a grandchild's 21st birthday was an event he could, not miss. "Look," he tried again,"it's not a train smash. I'll go to Rosalind's celebration. I'll leave as soon as all the important rituals have been completed. Hopefully Madge's event will still be going and I will join you there."

Nathan was dumbfounded, his thoughts in turmoil. How could two people not resolve a simple matter such as a clash of important events? Two people who plan to get married! What did he do wrong? Call the shots!? Is that how she saw it? He was searching for middle ground.

He did not finish his breakfast. He just sat there for a long time, feeling stunned. Then he got up and left, determined to wait for calm to return before making any decisions. This was not the time to figure out what to do next. He needed to be calm. At this moment he saw only two options, let her go or try and repair the situation?  

Later, when relatively calm Nathan tried to reason with himself. He'd already decided he'd call Kayla. He had no idea what he would say to her. He would not say sorry for something that was not his fault? In fact it would be more appropriate for Kayla to apologize for her anger and  storming out. He wanted the the tension between them resolved. At the same time he felt coerced. He knew her well enough already to realize she would not say, sorry, I don't know what came over me. Or, sorry, can we start over? She had put herself in a position from which she could not pivot. If there was going to be making up, he would have to initiate it. 

Did she do it on purpose? Do it to coerce him into being submissive?

There was an inconvenient clash of events. It happens. He could not change the date of Rosalind's birthday or Madge's farewell party! It's simple ... find the best compromise. Any rational person can see that and realize the best way out is to make some concessions. Getting angry and storming out was irrational and compounded the problem.

Instead, if he wanted the relationship, he would have to suck up to her. He loathed it. It would be like self betrayal, took him back to when he was four years old. At that age one has nothing. You can't leave. You had to pretend all's well, suck it up while seething inside.   

"You wanna get married to someone who behaves like this? And early in the relationship on top of it?" he asked himself. 

It was hard to not see the red flag, but he was reluctant to acknowledge it. He understood the possible implications. The feeling of wanting to repair the damage persisted anyway. In his job he was known for finding middle ground when there were disagreements; he could be counted on to restore composure and lead adversaries to calm waters ... yes lead even when he was not the project leader or boss. He was good at it, but then he needed participation. When someone stomps off the scene there's not much that can be done.

He was also known for his dogged persistence. Often bordering on plain  stubbornness. He actually took pride in his tendency to be mulish; it had served him well most times. A friend once described him as, when a plank for a shelf is too short, Nathan will flip it round to make absolutely sure it didn't fit. 

So, the first thing to do is re-engage, get back to at least talking. He could repair the damage once communication was reestablished ... it's his comfort zone, the process of creating reconciliation, accommodating and adapting. Perhaps comfort zone was the wrong word. Perhaps more of a knee-jerk reaction, choosing uncomfortable but familiar over pragmatic.

He could not just give up his dream of golden years with Kayla. Letting the dream go was against his will; it felt like a loss. The fact is he wanted her to love him. He was forced to acknowledge he was already in love with Kayla, wanted to care for her and be protective. He was more than ready to forgive her rash and explosive action. It would be like one  overlooks the impulsive outburst of a child. And it made him feel good to see himself in that role, strong, caring and unselfish.  

The call went much better than he expected. Her tone was frosty but she did not hang up. A good start. 

He repeated what he had told her in the coffee shop, "It's two important events. There's a clash. It's not something we can't work through. Let's you and I take hands, face the difficulty together and together figure out what we will do."

More silence. He could sense her simmering resentment. And then, "I wanted you taken up into my family, be a part of it ... to show and have them recognize that you are an integral part of my family. You putting me last in line is not what I signed up for."

This time he kept quiet. It's a practical problem ... nobody is to blame for anything. Why is she making out like she's a victim? And that he had caused it! 

She went on for what seemed a long time, keeping her victim stance. She accused him of being inconsiderate and autocratic. He let her carry on. Eventually she ran out of accusations. They did not agree on a compromise. They never spoke about it again.

Friday came and he went to Rosalind's 21st. He left reasonably early and then joined Kayla at her sister's farewell event.

In the days following the incident he kept rehashing in his mind what had transpired. He still saw it as merely a clash of dates, a simple, unfortunate twist of fate. He still felt it should have been an easily resolvable problem. It need not have caused the tension in their relationship that it had. 

He appreciated Kayla's position, disappointment. It had made her feel like she was the victim. He rejected that it was his fault and would not accept blame for it. Perhaps he could have handled it differently. He still did not see her as being a victim. Not even a victim of circumstances.

Did she really believe she is the victim here or is she deliberately manipulating him? No, he ruled out manipulation. She genuinely felt that she was being disadvantaged. She was very convincing about how she saw the situation. It had Nathan questioning his own judgement. Whatever the reality, he did not see himself as a candidate for being manipulated. Not blatant manipulation anyway. Could it possibly be his blind spot?  No, he ruled out manipulation.

Perhaps he was too used to making decisions on his own. He'd been single for a long time and was not accustomed to consulting with a partner. Perhaps making decisions without having to consult a partner had become a habit. Now he felt she was trying to take away his independence. Could it be that he had overreacted?

There were a number of unanswered questions.

In the end he settled for somewhere between the two extremes. His view was still, it's an unfortunate clash of dates, easily resolved. On the other extreme, Kayla's take, unreasonable demands, an infringement on her rights. He probably could have handled it differently. Blamed himself for being somewhat insensitive and undertook to tread carefully in future. It was all part of getting to know one another.

Their relationship survived a number of these. Despite the ups and downs they honored the decision they'd made. They took the decision seriously and were committed to getting married. Kayla did most of the arrangements. When she had done her browsing for rings she took him to the jewelry shop and showed him her choice. It was not an expensive ring. Kayla was practical about money matters. "What do you think? Do you like it?" He could see she was nervous. Probably worried he may object.

"Darling it's lovely." She relaxed visibly when he continued with, "You happy with it is nine tenths of what's important to me." 

Before the ring she'd already arranged the pastor and the celebration venue. Nathan wanted an ante-nuptial contract. Her first reaction was to resist. Her first marriage was by community of property. She explained that it symbolized trust in one another for her. 

They discussed it and Nathan insisted. It was also for her protection. That her assets, although she had little at the moment, could not be seized to pay his debt. His debt was also small at the moment. But one couldn't predict the future. To him it was a simple, practical thing. 

She arranged that too. Within days she presented the paperwork for him to sign. It was the standard contract she said. He did no bother to read it. Even if he did he would probably not understand what it said. They did not sign the actual contract paper. He signed a power of attorney for the attorney's paralegal to sign the ante-nuptial contract on their behalf. That was practical since the signing of the actual contract had to be  in the Deeds Office before the relevant official. Bureaucracy! He hated bureaucracy.

Nathan actually was at arms length from all the arrangements related to the ceremony. He bought Kayla a gold chain for a wedding gift on the day and he paid for the caterer and some other things. That was it. She did everything. He just had to show up. 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 1

Preamble

This story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Empathy is an essential skill for building relationships. But people with  high empathy often struggle to set boundaries.

We are all narcissistic to a degree. But people with high narcissism are hard to satisfy and struggle to find contentment. 

This is a story about the difficulties in a relationship between Nathan who's high empathy and Kayla who's high narcissistic.

Both struggle. The story emphasizes the toxic dance they are in, the painful consequences of their compulsive behaviors. Responsibility for causing the pain is shared between the two. Responsibility for healing is the individual's.

Chapter 1

The sudden change from silence to the loud ringing of the church bell brought him back to the present. Nathan was standing in the back garden drinking his third coffee of the morning. He'd been rehearing the conversation he intended having with Kayla. Are church bells still commonly used to call people to the service? In villages? In the outlying areas of the Karroo, yes, but  in the city? A dying tradition probably. What proportion of city people even go to church? 

The church is not far from their new home. Will Kayla become a regular church goer here? She's a person who prays daily, probably many times daily. She loves the community and the social component of church life. Her bible is worn, its cover bent and cracked. It's dog eared pages are brown in patches from fingering. Many passages underlined and much of the white space on favorite pages filled with notes. He smiled to himself remembering with amusement the shape of her bible. Kayla's bible had given up looking like a regular book. When put down it would slew crookedly. A bunch of pages held together by a spine no longer stiff enough to keep them tightly together.

Munch announced herself and took him out of his thought world. He spent a lot of time there normally, in thought, whether there were people around or not. When with Kayla he did less thinking, less living in his head, but not much less. And it was a different kind of thinking. A defensive scrutiny of options. Always trying to second guess her. It was hard saying something that didn't aggravate her. He knew it is a form of control ... trying to control her reaction and how she treats him.

Munch wagged her tail furiously, dog-smiling and bobbing up and down. This is her walking time. Dogs are so much easier to get on with. They enjoy simple things, don't get angry and you cannot disappoint them. She'd be excited about going for a walk. Always enjoyed every moment, smelling everything along the way and meeting other dogs. Then you say, okay, let's go back home now and she's equally excited about going home. There's no anger or disappointment that the walk is over.  

He put his empty cup down on the outside table, picked up her leash and started walking towards the gate. Munch followed in her usual style, excited, running to the gate then back to him then to the gate again. It is her best experience for the day. The air was cold, but the exercise would warm him up soon enough.

Half the fun of walking was to watch Munch enjoy everything along the way. Sometimes Nathan would chat over the fence with someone. Or he'd discover something new along the familiar path. But it was her delight at smells and little things that entertained Nathan the most. And it offered a lesson to be learnt; dogs don't distinguish between "nice" smells and "bad" smells ... a dog knows only interesting smells and very interesting smells. 

Kayla took an instant dislike to the dog the day he arrived home with her. Perhaps not a dislike of Munch so much as an opportunity to vent her displeasure at him. For not discussing the adoption with her before he went and collected the animal. His daughter, Linda, told him about Munch. Her owners had experienced a series of financial upheavals. Then there was a suicide and they just packed up, dumped the dog and left ... the family had had too much and just gave up.

On the way there he'd already made up his mind to adopt her. Other abandoned dogs at the shelter were candidates, but Munch's story saddened him. He responded to the sadness he felt and chose her. She was hesitant for only a moment and then stuck her face in his hands and that was it. He'd deal with Kayla's disapproval. He knew there would be disapproval; Kayla disapproved of anything he did. It was how their relationship had become. Or possibly how it had always been.  

The walk with Munch was always brisk. She pulled on the leash wanting to explore every interesting smell along the way, but he was used to the pulling. It did not distract him. This morning he reflected, wondered, when did Kayla's discontent start? Was she happy at one stage and then he became a liability? Or had it been there from the start and he was just slow to notice?

Kayla and Nathan met in an underground parking garage in the building where he worked. It was a few months before his retirement, his second retirement. His employer talked him into a new contract after he retired the first time at 58. Now, three years later he was really  going to stop. He'd left the office early to go to the grocery store on his way home. On the way to his car he noticed a woman leaning against her car in a waiting-for-someone pose. She was attractive and he guessed probably ten years younger than him. She seemed irritated and concerned. 

Normally he'd just ignore it and continue on his way, but something made him stop to check. 

"Everything OK?" he asked as he got to where she was, a few bays from where his own car was parked.

"No," she said with a mixture of irritation and concern, "my battery is dead. Again. I'm stuck."

"Let me help? Find jumper cables and see if we can get you going?" he offered.

"That's what my neighbor helped me do this morning," she smiled, " a 'band aid solution' and now it's dead again. I've called Mr Battery to come help me here and replace it. I have an important meeting tomorrow morning and I don't want the same thing happening again and be late. Fix it properly this time." 

Normally, at this point, he'd definitely just go on his way. Her problem was taken care of. It was just a matter of time, but he didn't want to. He realized with some surprise, he was very much attracted to her.  

"How long? Did they give you an indication?" he asked.

"It's frustrating;" she sighed, "he's on another call and I will wait my turn. Probably less than an hour. The thing is I've had this jumper lead start a few times and I decided to get it done properly this time. So I wait."

She was smiling and no longer sounded irritated. She probably was pleased that he was concerned enough about her situation to not just walk on.

"Call him again," Nathan said on impulse, "and ask him to give you a call when he arrives or when he's near here. Then you and I have a cup of coffee while you wait? My name's Nathan."

She gave him a sideways look with a half-smile. "You know what? That's a lot better than hanging around a basement parking. Kayla ... pleased to meet you."

She called the battery guy from their table in the coffee shop. Nathan was attracted to her. He had a near empty social life, been on few dates and was not actively looking for a relationship, but this was nice. She was chatty and smiled a lot and he imagined she may even find him attractive too. He assumed she was single .. no rings.

His assumption was correct, she had been divorced for nearly three years. He did not have to do much talking. She chatted away about everything and anything. Nathan liked that; he was not a chatty person. In a social gathering he was always at the back, didn't like attention. Kayla worked not far from the parking area where her car was, a front office job at an insurance company. That figures, he thought, she's an outgoing person, likes working with people. He preferred working with things, computers, workshop equipment. 

She ordered wine and Nathan ordered a coffee. 

"Is it too early for a drink for you?" she asked. It was past 5 o'clock.

"I have done enough drinking for one lifetime," he replied jokingly. "I'm what they call a recovering alcoholic," he elaborated. "Been off alcohol for fifteen years, attend AA meetings, sponsor, the whole show." He may as well get that out in the open. He wanted to see her again and the sooner his addiction is spoken about the better. Some people shy away from "recovering alcoholic". They picture tattered clothes, homeless, sitting in a bar at 11 o'clock in the morning. Nathan had just had enough one day. He had been drinking every day for a long time, alone or with friends. He had become overweight, couldn't stay awake evenings. And then couldn't sleep when he went to bed. All his "friendships" had just one thing in common, drinking.

He had lived this way for many years. He knew about AA. One night he called. The man who answered gave him another number. He called there. It was a female voice, Anne, 

She came straight to the point, "There's a meeting tomorrow evening. You be there. Tonight you pray. Get something to write with ... I'll give you the address. I'll see you there tomorrow."

Kayla's phone rang. It was the battery guy. They'd been talking and laughing together for almost a three quarter hour. They had confirmed that this was pleasant and let's do it again. Nathan felt lifted by her conversation and the attention he'd received. She asked for his number and keyed it in on her phone. His phone buzzed once as she called and then clicked off again. 

They stood up. She touched his arm and smiling said, "Thank you for waiting with me and for the wine. My number is on your phone," and left.

He stayed at the table for a while just reflecting on the chance meeting. He liked her and would call and arrange to see her again. It wasn't excitement he felt. More like a warm easy feeling of having known someone for a long time. Comfortable. Yes there was some excitement too, a calm and relaxed feeling of anticipation. He left money on the table, enough to cover the bill and something for the staff. On his way back to his car, he reflected on their time together at the coffee shop. What were the feelings he had now? He liked the anticipation of getting to know Kayla better. Perhaps even more than just getting to know her. Maybe wait a day and then call to arrange a second meeting. 

Nathan was acutely aware of the closeness he felt towards Kayla. He wondered if she had similar feelings. He sensed a warm positiveness from her side. He called her the next day and asked her out for an early dinner. They decided on the Friday evening. He picked her up and they drove to a harbor restaurant he'd chosen. 

They arrived at the restaurant well before sunset and decided to go for a walk along the beach before going in. The beach was flat and hard. It was low tide. She was talking and laughing, looking up at him. He guided her away from some seaweed in the line of where she was walking. She did not let go of his arm. They continued walking, Kayla chatting and holding on to his arm. A comfortable and spontaneous togetherness. 

Munch pulling on the leash brought him out of his reflections. She'd spotted Ada and Jack. Ada was his neighbor. She was walking Jack. Munch pulled him to the two and he and Ada stood talking while the dogs sniffed at one another. It's a quiet street and they stood in the middle of the road talking about the weather and the dogs for a while. A car came along and Ada turned towards her gate. He and Munch went inside. 

He was still rehearsing his telephone call to Kayla. She had been staying with her family in the city while he was doing renovations to the new old house. 

Kayla had been very clear; she'd stay in the city till the renovations were done. She's not one for inconvenience. In fact she'd left and went to her son and daughter in law two weeks before the big move. She packed her personal stuff and some of the kitchen things and linen. Then found a removal company, made the arrangement and left Nathan to handle the rest of the move. 

The call to Kayla he was shaping in his mind was to give her an update on progress. Also tell her he had transferred money to  her account to cover her expenses. The renovation had gone well. Progress was good. He'd concentrated on the areas that he knew was important to her, the bathroom, and bedroom, mirrors, dressing table and wardrobe space. They were simple things to discuss ... a simple discussion between husband and wife. But he went over what he would say anyway, knowing it could easily become a disagreement and an argument. It had been the pattern of their marriage; anything at any time could become an argument.

He would start off with pleasantries, "How are you, darling. I miss you ... it's been a long time"

Quickly move to the money part, "I did an EFT this morning. Check your bank account later. They indicate 24 to 48 hours, but most times the transaction happens the same day."

She was probably less concerned about how the renovation was progressing. He'd tell her about the things  that interested her anyway. "The bathroom fittings were delivered yesterday. I've arranged for the plumber to start day after tomorrow. That will be a messy job. The walls need to be chased to fit the additional pipes ... cement dust gets in everywhere no matter what precautions one takes. That will be the last of the really 'dirty' work and the painting can then begin. I miss you, but it's still a building site here and you don't want to be here for at least three more weeks."

By late afternoon he still had not made the call to Kayla. "Why am I tail-dragging? Call! I will make our relationship work. I know what's important to her. Maybe I could not give her enough of what she deserved up to now ... not possible with the pension increases lagging behind the levies ... municipal taxes, special levies and provisions of the previous house. Let alone the general cost of living increases".

"Another few weeks. Maybe three weeks is too short a time, but I will work my ass off. This place will be comfortable and above all affordable. This time I will prevent any feelings of discontent. I know I've said it before, but this time will be different. I want her to have what she wants. There will be no reason for complaints and discontent."

"I hope she likes it," he continued the conversation with himself.  "I want it to be good. I want her to stop being discontented. I dislike feeling inadequate. I want her to like being with me, to like me and want to be with me. To not see me as the obstacle between her and what she wants." 

The call went better than he expected. She was pleasant and chatted away about what she was doing. About her grandchild and enjoying time with her family. She even spoke about joining him sooner, not waiting until the renovations were done. This was the Kayla he loved, the woman he married and the one he wanted there always as they grew old together.