Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 16

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

For many years Nathan had tried to please and appease Kayla. Persisted. He wanted her to not complain, not criticize and to not start fights. He wanted to change his external world. He does not realize that he was a wounded soul from before he met Kayla. He thought he could make her change. If only she recognized how much he wanted to please her. He wanted to feel accepted by her .... a feeling of belonging ... more than anything else.

Slowly, now that the divorce negotiations were happening did he begin seeing that he could not. All he could change was his inner world. Finally he was beginning to be ready to learn. His inner soil was ready to accept the seeds of the lessons he has to learn. 

Even so, he was only half-ready to learn that when what you want is no longer there, you have to leave. Perhaps it had never been there. He thought it was there because he wanted it so desperately. 

Chapter 16

He woke up early. He had a hangover. But he had things to do. Compile the schedule of amounts, pension income vs maintenance payments as discussed with Amanda. In the email he emphasized that he'd done it to illustrate inequity. Amanda had to make a call on how she wanted to use the information in her discussions with Henry. Nathan was against any form of pleading unfairness or being the victim in the situation. Because he realized it would mean nothing to Kayla and even less to Henry. Finally realized that how he had cared about her was very  different from how she felt towards him. He based the calculation on a maintenance amount of 3800. Even then the distribution of their combined income favored Kayla to the value of almost 2000. Maintenance payments of 10 000 a month was unrealistic.

He sent the email and went to have coffee at the local hotel.

The hotel has a breakfast-lounge cum coffee shop area. Locals often sit around the same table or casually share the same space and chat. Today a man he had not met before, joined Nathan and they chatted politics while having coffee. Nathan had finished his coffee and stood up to leave. He was not yet fully upright when he was overcome by dizziness. He felt himself going forward and there was nothing he could do to correct his balance. He just kept on going forward and down. He did not fall with a crash. It was more of a forward roll. He put out his hands, braced against the floor and then went over.

It was very embarrassing, drunk and disorderly before 11 AM. The effects of the alcohol from the day before had worn off. He was not intoxicated. but claiming to be sober now was not an option. He had difficulty getting up. The dizziness was less severe, but he also lacked the strength to get up. It was as embarrassing as falling down. The man helped him get up and he somehow made it to his car. His legs were shaking as he went down the four steps from the front veranda of the hotel.

He got home okay. But he had similar difficulties negotiating the stairs leading to his front door. Something was seriously wrong. Without a second thought he poured himself a large shot. He sat down to drink it. This time making sure he sipped small amounts and taking his time over the drink.

After several minutes he was feeling better and also no longer out of breath.

He called to make an appointment with the GP. She was not available. This was not unusual. She was battling the after effects of COVID. Nathan made an appointment with the junior partner doctor. 

There was an appointment available in the afternoon. He was feeling much better but decided to go anyway. He would not have any more alcohol before seeing the doctor.

He got to the practice well ahead of time. While waiting he mentally listed the symptoms. Dizzy ... appearing to be intoxicated ... fatigue ... short of breath. There was also cramps, loss of appetite, and nausea. He would mention the stress he was under in the context of his divorce negotiations.

The doctor introduced himself, "call me Jako." He had a reassuring manner. A friendly man. "How can I help you?"

Nathan described the symptoms and the incident at the hotel. He discussed the stressful divorce matter and that he had been drinking a lot over the past two days. Jako did the usual blood pressure measurement and stethoscope stuff. Why do doctors always do that before they do anything else? He thought to himself. He examined Nathans ankles. "Have you noticed the swelling of your feet? That the right side is more swollen than the left?"

He hadn't. But having it pointed out to him he saw it was indeed the case. Jako did a blood sugar prick test. Blood sugar was normal.

They sat down at his desk and the doctor delivered the verdict. They would start off with blood tests for kidney function. The symptoms indicated there may be a problem there. "Let's start by eliminating that," he said. "If your kidneys are fine we can explore other things." There was no medication. Just to take things easy for now. Did Nathan want an antidepressant to help with the stress? Nathan declined. He'd had anti depression stuff before and it did nothing for him. A 30 minute walk in the morning was a far better antidepressant. 

He went to the pathologist to have blood specimens taken. Jako would call as soon as he had the results. Nathan was concerned about it and had visions of dialysis machines and constant fatigue. 

It did not stop him from finishing the bottle of liquor. He went out to get another. At least he would not lie awake half the night.

He fell into an alcohol induced sleep early in the evening. His AA sponsor would call it "passed out." At just after midnight he was awake again and could not sleep. He poured himself a large drink and stood outside having it. Moving the glass back and forth, hypnotized by the clinking of the ice. It wasn't cold. He wondered if he should check his email. Then pushed aside the idea, "Nothing is going to happen between now and morning. What you find on email now may just keep you awake longer."

Munch joined him. Faithful, attentive dog. He ruffled her ears. They stood like that for minutes. Then went in. Nathan poured himself another drink. No ice this time. Took it to bed with him. His balance was worse in the dark. He lay in bed, the glass balanced on his chest but keeping one hand on it anyway. He finished the drink slowly. Eventually he put the glass on the night stand and shut his eyes. It was difficult to not think about the settlement document. 

He woke up at the usual time. After breakfast and during his walk with Munch he had a discussion with himself. Not out loud, in his head. "What if your kidneys are packing up? Answer this question now. For a change don't avoid it. You've been concerned about it, but now, what if that's what the cause of your balance problem and your exhaustion?" He was walking uphill and paid attention to his breathing. He would have to stop halfway up the hill. "Well, there are treatment options. It's the 21st century. There's dialysis. Organ replacement is expensive. But it is an option. If the diagnosis confirms kidney problems there are those options and you will immediately consult a specialist. That's it." 

Amanda called him. All good news. Henry had agreed to Amanda compiling a draft consent paper. He'd also spoken to his client about the car. She agreed in principle. Amanda would draft the document. Car immediately. 3800 per month. Monthly medical aid membership payments on the conditions discussed.  She would also indicate in the covering email that Nathan was prepared to offer a cash lump sum in addition to what's in the draft consent paper.

Jako called not long after. More good news. Kidneys were okay. Not 100 percent, but good for his age. They have to do tests for other things. Specifically iron deficiency and anemia. He also wanted to check lung function. Depending on the results, Nathan may have to go for vascular and heart ultrasound imaging.  Nathan made an appointment for the afternoon. 

All good. All he had to do now was wait. He poured himself a drink even though it was only 11. And despite having an appointment with the doctor later. 

He woke up slowly. Cold. He was lying on the floor. A thousand thoughts went through his head. How come am I lying n the floor? Did I fall? Did I lose consciousness? Obviously. He wasn't drunk. He tried to get up and after the second attempt realized in a terrifying moment he could not. He was too weak. He could not even pull himself up by using the chair. He panicked. Call Linda. But his cell phone was charging in the utility room.

He was able to crawl. Rest for a minute. Crawl again. His hands were shaking as he made the call. Fortunately he also had the numbers of the police and the ambulance on his contacts. But Linda answered on the third ring. He tried to tell her in as calm a tone as possible. 

By the time she and Jack arrived he was able to sit up. He still could not get up by his own strength. Jack helped him onto the couch. Linda took charge. He told her about his appointment and the call he'd had with Jako. She said, "Good. We're leaving now." He was bundled into their car and they went to Jako's practice. 

Nathan was calm. Nothing to do. He was in good hands. Things will run their course now.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 15

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Because of his yearning for order and fairness, Nathan is inclined to look for solutions that clearly do not shortchange the other person. He will often give in to demands that don't serve him at all well. Sometimes just to end the nagging and chaos. This MO was well established during his marriage to Kayla. It's a blind spot. It may happen again in the negotiations about a settlement. 

He's sensitive to the pain of both parties involved in a dispute, but often unaware of his own stress and feelings when he's one of the adversaries. 

Chapter 15

 

Amanda virtually rewrote Henry's consent paper. She sent Nathan the draft. He was satisfied with it and told her to go ahead. Perhaps he should have made a counter offer of even less than 5000 a month. But there is a number below which one cannot go. Then the entire counter offer will be thrown out. It will just make the other side more resolute. 

He talked to Linda'and her partner, Jack. Jack had a good idea about the car for Kayla. "Why don't you give her your car?" he suggested. "They want a car for Kayla ... give her yours. If she had to buy that car on the secondhand market she'd pay a lot more than 120 000. And if you sold it you'd be lucky to get 60 K. It's a good deal for both of you. And you are seen to be cooperating."

Nathan made a mental note to talk to Amanda about that. Wait to hear what the others say about the counter offer and then work the car into the consent paper. Jack was right. The car was in better condition than when he bought it. Nathan spent a lot of money on clutch, transfer box, new tires. It would be a good deal for Kayla and he did not have to lay out 120 000. He could rather buy a small pickup for that.

Henry's PA called Nathan. She just wanted to make sure that he was aware that the 24 hour deadline had come and gone. When could they expect to get a reply. Nathan still did not know that this was against protocol. That it was deliberate bullying. He was compliant, bordering on apologetic, and assured her that the response would be completed soon. Amanda was handling it.

Henry's amended consent paper arrived. Attached to an email with a  threatening tone. It was a masterpiece of incompetence. Henry had signed it, but obviously without first reading the document. Nathan was sure the PA had compiled it. There were pieces of text that were completely irrelevant. Presumably from another case Henry may be handling. It was a copy and paste exercise of the worst kind. 

Amanda agreed with him. He asked her, "Why  don't you offer to write the document for them? Ask them for their letterhead and you write it. They can then amend the content as they see fit. Perhaps they are able to not screw that up."

She said she would. Importantly, the 5000 was rejected and the 10000 repeated. The rest of the discussion was about what the next steps should be. He told her about the car. She thought that was a good idea. Practical. And it showed a willingness to cooperate. 

Nathan would complete a schedule showing in detail the consequences of their demands ... the benefits to Kayla and showing how Nathan's entire pension income would then go to her. A clearly unsustainable option. It would not be an attempt at showing how unfair Kayla's demands were. That would be a waste of time. Nathan wanted to emphasize that it was  unsustainable.

He went to eat something at the local diner. Not hungry, but just to get food in. Also to get out for a while. On impulse he ordered a glass of wine. And then another. 

On the way home he stopped at the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka.

He wrote a long email to Rachel. Just to be heard. While sitting at his computer he drank a third of the bottle of vodka. He did not mention the alcohol to Rachel. He felt overwhelmed, empty. Cornered and with nobody to talk to about it. 

Then he fell asleep watching a story on TV.

He woke up with cramps from slouching on the couch. His mouth was dry and he had a faint headache. Without giving it a second thought he chucked a handful of ice cubes in a clean glass and sloshed some vodka over. It was a familiar pattern ... drink half a bottle quickly ... pass out ... wake up feeling bad ... drink to feel better ... end up feeling worse.

He finished his drink. Poured another. Either he was drinking too fast or he could no longer metabolize the alcohol at the same rate as before. He got drunk very quickly he noticed. 

He'd worry about his drinking tomorrow, he told himself. But he did not believe himself.

His cell phoned pinged. There was a reply from Rachel. He read it on the computer.

 

Re: Your settlement

Rachel HM-HR to me

Nathan, thanks for the email. We know one another well already. I know you have a good understanding of your personality type, cluster C. And also Kayla's, type B. I'm going to hand down some challenges for you

You hate seeing and experiencing discord. Another's suffering makes you deeply uncomfortable. You are the natural peace-maker. I know you have a strong wish to see Kayla's needs taken care of.

She on the other hand is conscious primarily of her own needs. Wants everything for herself and is unconcerned about your position.

The gap between her demands and what you consider to be a fair settlement is massive. It will take a mammoth effort to bridge that chasm. To get a fair deal for yourself you will have to learn to live with the discomfort of not giving in and with the discomfort of repeatedly saying no. It will take a long time to arrive at an equitable settlement. Because Kayla and her lawyer don't care. I would say even your lawyer wants finality more than equity. You are very much on your own.

You may become overwhelmed. You could experience deep states of stress. You will be torn between your desire for order and fairness for both parties and wanting to just throw in the towel and to hell with it.

The challenge I have for you is to rise above the chaos, get a clear understanding of what you believe is a fair settlement to you both. (I agree with you BTW, you did not work a lifetime in order to give away your pension benefits just because she wants it and because the law is on her side.) Then you are going to have to find ways and counter arguments/offers to drag the matter out. Hopefully she and her lawyer will run out of steam. Just keep hitting the ball back ... run down the clock. This will be very stressful for you. It is against your nature.

So my challenge for you is this; make your goal to run down the clock ... keep repeating what you feel is a fair offer and out-wait them.

Challenge number 2; resist giving in to your fear that it may end up in court.

And Nathan, monitor your stress. The constant anxiety and doing things that go against your nature will generate a lot of stress. Not healthy.

Be strong. Mind your own interests too, not just hers. James Baldwin said it beautifully: “you’ve got to tell the world how to treat you because if the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble” 

Regards

Rachel

 It was good advice. But running down the clock is stressful when it's not your usual MO. He was not used to waiting for others to make a move. Move in the direction you want them to move. Nathan was a take action person. He sees what needs to be done and goes there. Waiting will wear him out 

For just over ten years now he has been pussyfooting around Kayla. Trying stuff and hoping to get to a place where she'd be happy. Stop complaining. Not knowing what she wants because she didn't say what she wants. Her wanting a divorce was perhaps the one clear demand she'd made during their marriage. 

He thought about what his feelings were towards her now. He had not stopped for a moment to put it into words for himself. They were definitely adversaries now. Kayla trying to maximize what she can get from him and him trying to not lose half his retirement assets. How can one go from love to adversaries in such a short time? 

Did he ever love her? What he felt right now wasn't love at all. He didn't loathe or hate her either. Nor was he angry. Neutral with a dash of lost hope, he smiled to himself. He didn't feel like a victim. That was not him. When life deals him a bad hand he does not lament that he'd been dealt a bad hand. He immediately began figuring how best to play the cards he had. 

It was the waiting and being cornered that had got to him.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 14

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is unaware of his fear of going to court to challenge Kayla's demands. He feels her demands are unjust. The law is on her side. He may lose half his life savings. That's why he must resist giving in. But deep down, unconsciously the real fear is that he will have no say. That he will be forced to give in. He also does not want to trigger her anger. Then she may very well go to court. He has lost objectivity. He's regurgitating the fear he had as a child when he was powerless. But he does not know this. 

He is unaware and floundering with no one in his corner.

Chapter 14 

Amanda's email was short and to the point. She clearly stated how very weak his position was. He knew already from their telephone conversation that Amanda was a no-frills, call-it-what-it-is person.

Re: Prenup Agreement

Amanda - Juris Law Group - to me

Hello Nathan 

I'll come straight to the point; your prenup puts you at a big disadvantage in this divorce. I'll briefly outline the consequences of some clauses: 

1) "That the marriage shall be subject to the accrual system in terms of the provisions of Chapter 1 of the Matrimonial Property Act, 1984 .... " 

2) That for the purposes of proof of the net value of their respective estates at the commencement of the intended marriage the intended spouses declared the net value of their respective estates to be as follows ... " That of yours is Nil and hers is also Nil.

What this means in practical, layman terms is, you might as well have been married in community of property. In other words, the value of your house and investments at the time of your marriage was zero. You told me you sold for three million and you have approximately one million in unit trusts. The court has no option but to view the entire four million as accrual over the time of your marriage. Basically she has a very good chance of getting a claim of two million upheld if it went to court.

My job is to help you reduce her claim to something more palatable for you. I will start by getting a going in position from her attorneys. You have already asked for a draft settlement document. I will email or discuss this request with them and keep you posted on developments. 

A lot will depend on how low we can get them in their opening position. To achieve big concessions later will be hard.

 

Regards. 

Amanda.  

 "OK, This is the bad news, Nathan," he told himself. "Accept it and start figuring out how best to manage the situation. You did not work your entire life in order to give away half of your life savings. Especially not give it to someone who from the start did not have her heart in the marriage."

Not have her heart in the marriage was an understatement. The clauses of the prenup Amanda highlighted were significant. They signaled a clear intent. Even before they were married. The "nil" value of his estate was completely false. And deliberate. What was the purpose of that? It meant only one thing ... in the event of a divorce she wanted half the assets he had worked for. The only question was, was this her intention right from the start? Or had she done it as insurance?

He had been negligent in not scrutinizing what he signed. Trusting. Naive. And foolish. He wanted to belong ... he trusted that Kayla would give him the feeling of "home." Safe no matter what. Life partners.

He had never felt this trapped before. And alone. He could do nothing other than wait for the draft settlement document from Henry. Wait to see what their going in position was. 

He made himself a coffee. Over extracted Americana. Over extracted was how he liked it. He'd prefer a double vodka. He did not actually think in terms of blotting out the stress with alcohol. Although that may have been an unconscious intention, he just felt like drinking. Like the alcohol itself was the answer to the stress and anxiety. Or the reward for having to suffer the stress and anxiety. He pushed the thought away. It was not the time for doing something that would inevitably lead to weeks of binge drinking. Not that there was ever a good time to go on a bender. But right now he needed to stay conscious. 

What if he spent all the money? Not sensibly, just wasted it. Or hide it. Move it to some offshore account. Criminals and politicians hid their ill-gotten money in a Swiss bank. What happens when a spouse cannot come up with the money in a divorce? Could he be forced to sell everything? He had already registered the new, cheaper house in his daughter's name. Not because he anticipated a divorce. At his age it's the sensible thing to do. But now it looked like it had been fortunate. Surely the court cannot compel Linda to sell the house in order to meet his divorce settlement obligations? Or can they? If he can't pay would he have to go to jail? He was not prepared for this kind of torment.

Nearly two weeks went by, Nathan worrying and speculating. Finally there was an email from Amanda. With the long awaited draft settlement Henry had drawn up. Nathan was shocked. It was four paragraphs! Two whole weeks to come up with a dozen sentences!

The contents of the document was an even bigger shock ... outrageous demands and wall to wall typos! A slapdash piece of bad work. They demanded a car for Kayla, ten thousand a month, she will remain a member of Nathan's medical aid scheme and he had to respond in 24 hours. 

He called Amanda. The 10K was more than his monthly pension. Nathan could not commit to keeping her as a member of his medical aid fund ... it was the fund's decision. Their rules may not permit an ex spouse to remain a member. The document was amateurish and vague.

They spoke for a long time. Nathan explained to Amanda, "Ten thousand a month maintenance plus medical aid premiums for Kayla deducted from my pension income means she effectively gets 14 500 per month. My entire monthly pension benefit! I get nothing from my pension. I have to live on savings capital. This isn't a just outcome. It's not sustainable." 

In the end they agreed that Amanda would send a counter offer. Ignore the 24 hour deadline. That was just bully tactics. Nathan would agree to 120 000 for a car. He'd offer 5000 a month. But a definite no to the blanket statement regarding medical aid membership. She would draft some words to the effect that Nathan would not cancel Kayla's membership. Then emphasize that Kayla's  membership was not his decision alone. It would be subject to medical aid fund and pension fund regulations and decisions.

So this was what it felt like to be in divorce negotiations. Wait ... speculate ... second guess ... pay legal costs ... wait some more.

Kayla texted him. She needed money. He did an EFT. It was the right thing to do. He also realized that there was a part of him that did it out of fear. Afraid he may provoke her. He had lost his appetite. He ate because it was the right thing to do. He was plagued with constant nausea, his fear signal. He realized that it was due to being powerless and having to face up to the possibility that all he'd worked for was at stake. Amanda had assured him that the veiled threats by Henry was just noise. "They don't want to go to court. It's expensive ... they are trying to bully you into a quick settlement," she told him in one of the telephone conversations. 

Nathan wondered how she was balancing the two major issues. On one hand she certainly wants to rescue him from huge maintenance cost. But on the other hand, the longer arguments are dragged out the more her law firm earned.

She may be correct. Perhaps they were loathe to go to court with the matter. But it did little for his peace of mind. He was constantly nauseous, didn't feel like eating and spent half the night awake most nights. He felt ill. He did not want to live with this constant stress. Fear.

Nathan was also concerned about his health. When he walked with Munch, mild exercise, he had to sometimes stop and rest on uphills. One could argue that it was dependent on how fast he was walking. But there was another indicator that all was not well. He was in the habit of drinking a mug of water first thing in the morning. For a number of days now he noticed that he could not drink it down in one go. By the time he'd drunk three quarters he was out of breath and had to stop. Then finish the water at the second attempt.

He tried taking a few deep breaths before putting the mug to his mouth ... He'd seen divers hyper ventilating to increase the time they could go without air. But a number of mornings now, even with doing that, he could not finish a whole mug of water without a break. He'd keep an eye on this. For now he was aware and concerned, not worried. 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 13

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Belonging somewhere safe was a dream. That feeling of belonging with a loving someone was an illusion. Shattered in a heartbeat. There is no growing old together. It's a bitter reality for Nathan to accept. He knows he has to shift from making his marriage work to damage control. His soul mate is suddenly his advisory. Gradually he realizes she's been his advisory for a long time ... only in his illusion was she his soul mate.

Nathan harbors no bitterness towards Kayla. “Gamble everything for love, if you are a true human being,” wrote Rumi. Perhaps we are here to learn that love is worth any price, any price at all.

Chapter 13

Days went by. He did not expect a draft document from Howard soon. Howard's main business was conveyancing. This was a personal favor. Kayla asked for money again and he did an electronic transfer to her account.  Her absence did not bother him much. He did things around the house. Like he normally did. Surprisingly, the fact that she was not coming back did not trouble him much either ... it is what it is and there's nothing to be done now except wait for the draft document from Howard.

He called her, "Howard said he will do a draft document based on what we agreed, 500 thousand. He recommends half on the signing of the document by both of us and the other half after the court issues the divorce order."

"The sooner the better," she said. "Let's get it over with. One day soon you and I can sit down and have coffee ... celebrate the end of arguments ... be just friends." 

He wondered quietly to himself, "Is this how it will be? The quiet giving up disguised as coping? Silently withdrawing from the world before he could be hurt again?"

Howard asked for copies of their marriage certificate and the prenuptial agreement. It came as a shock to Nathan that neither of them had actually signed the prenuptial agreement. He remembered signing something. It was in fact a power of attorney for a third party to sign on their behalf. A copy of the power of attorney was attached to the prenup. 

He'd never read the prenup even. He remembered Kayla at first objected to a prenup, but then changed her mind and handled it herself. He read bits of it now for the first time. 

Howard had asked if he knew if it was "with accrual." It was. The document also stated that his assets as well as Kayla's were "Nil" going into the marriage. Nathan found that strange. Kayla's assets were close to nil. But his assets certainly weren't . At the time of getting married he owned the house and a sizable investment in unit trusts. There was a  bond on the property which he had kept in order to help cover large expenses when he needed to. 

He would not have signed had he known his assets were stated as "Nil". Why would someone do something like that? It was a fabrication! Well, it is what it is. It was anyway of no relevance now. They'd agreed to half a million which he felt was just. They had after all been married for more than 10 years. She was entitled to some money. What was left after giving her 500 thousand was enough for him. Kayla had wealthy children who would look after her anyway. They'd both be okay.

He emailed copies of all three documents to Howard.

Walking with Munch the next morning Nathan spoke out loud to the dog as if she would understand, "Well, now it's just you and I, my dog-friend. How do you feel about that?" Munch always looked at him when he spoke as if she understood. "Nobody to complain about shedding and hair clogging up the vacuum cleaner," he said with a smile in his voice and Munch wagged her tail.

There was a missed call from Kayla on his phone when they returned. He called her. "Henry, a lawyer I know from my church, offered to handle the divorce for us," she told him. "He won't charge."

Nathan was angry about this. But didn't let it show. "Howard has already agreed to do the paperwork," he said. "We agreed to do it that way."

"Yes, but Henry will do it for free."

Nathan wasn't going to argue. It was pointless arguing with her anyway. She makes up her mind and if you don't agree she has a temper tantrum. They'd agreed on the amount. What does it matter who does the paperwork?

"He advised that we should settle for a lump sum plus a monthly maintenance amount," she continued before he could reply. 

So, it was not actually so much about Henry will do it for free ... Nathan could sense a scope creep coming. "Are you changing what we agreed?" he asked.

Silence. Then, "Henry says a 500 thousand lump sum, but you should also pay me a monthly maintenance amount of 10 000."

Clearly Henry had decided to go for whatever he thought was the maximum amount he could get out of Nathan. And Kayla had gotten a whiff of more money. The 10 000 was more than Nathan's total monthly pension income! "That's outrageous," was all he said. 

"I'll get him to call you and explain," she said. "I feel ten thousand is fair. One pays eight thousand a month for reasonable accommodation alone. He will explain to you," and she ended the call without a goodbye.

Nathan wasn't aware that for Henry to contact him directly was outside the boundaries of general protocol. He took the call. Henry spoke about monthly maintenance and also raised the issue of a car for Kayla and for her to remain on Nathan's medical aid plan. There was no talk of any lump sum. The conversation was generally vague. But Nathan felt he was being pressured into agreeing. There was no agreement. Just vague talk about the car and the monthly maintenance and the medical aid membership. He told Henry to draft a proposal.

The call was followed by text messages from Henry in which he offered to get in his car and come see Nathan. The whole matter could be "finalized this afternoon."

Nathan realized he was dealing with a bully. Clearly Henry wanted to come bulldoze an unprepared Nathan into signing some document. Without having seen a draft even. He texted Henry to say as much ... prepare a draft, save your fuel and time, nothing will happen till there's a draft document.

Then he called Howard and told him the new development. Howard said this was above his pay grade. He'd send Nathan contact details for Amanda, an excellent divorce attorney. Nathan felt uneasy. This was what he did not want. He'd heard about too many divorce cases where ultimately the entire pot of assets being fought over went into legal costs and there were scraps left for the couple to share. He was now in damage control.

He contacted Amanda. She sounded nice. He must please send her the prenup and marriage certificate and a copy of Kayla's ID. Once she has this they will talk again. What is Kayla asking as a settlement? He explained he'd asked for a draft document because the numbers and conditions were vague and changing all the time. "Good," she said. "Send me contact details of her attorney. We will bring this thing to a close. You may not like all of it, but it will be fair."

He was alone. Nobody in his corner. Nobody to talk to. Nobody. 

At least when Kayla was here he could pretend he had someone on his side. He could pretend he belonged. But, he realized, that was all it was, an illusion of belonging somewhere. That's why he had clung to it so. Because if he let it go there would be this. No even an illusion of belonging.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 12

 

Preamble

The story is fictional. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Over time Nathan developed the qualities of a Stoic—acceptance, justice, courage, and temperance—not through the formal study of Stoic philosophy, but as a result of difficult, challenging life experiences. He learnt the value of accepting what's outside of his control through many years in the AA fellowship and repeating the words of the Serenity Prayer thousands of times. One could say he became a Stoic by circumstance.

Chapter 12

She did not call him to say she'd arrived safely. 

He called her late the next day, "Are you settled? Was the bus trip okay?"

She did not answer his questions, but she sounded happy, "Evelyn and I spent the morning at the mall. The one I like, with the wide passages? We didn't spend much money ...  so, relax. It was lovely. She took off from work and devoted the day to treating me."

Nathan did not share Kayla's enthusiasm for mall-crawling. "I'm glad. And how is everyone there?" 

The conversation continued on a superficial level. There were kitchen noises in the background. He guessed they were preparing for the evening meal. 

Later he checked his email. There was a short one from Rachel.

Re: The Bus

Rachel HM-HR to me

Hello Nathan 

Thank you for your email. I understand that it's a disturbing thing to have happen to you. I would like you to adjust your focus. I understand that you feel you did something wrong. But stand back and look at it from a higher perspective ... this is Kayla's issue, not yours. She chose to be disaffectionate and distant. Rude IMO. Do not take this upon yourself.

 

I know how difficult it is to not feel that you are somehow partly responsible. I want to persuade you otherwise. It has been the quick and easy way for you to create peace in the household. You are accustomed to this way of dealing with it. But it is wrong, Nathan. As an outsider I can see it. I encourage you to take a dispassionate look at what happened. You will see.

 

I want to close with a quotation from Eva Curie: 

“We discovered that peace at any price is no peace at all...that life at any price has no value whatever; that life is nothing without the privileges, the prides, the rights, the joys that make it worth living and also worth giving...and that there is something more hideous, more atrocious than war or than death; and that is to live in fear.”

Regards. 

Rachel.  

Rachel's email continued buzzing in his head. 

"Am I living in fear?"

"No," he answered himself, "it's not fear. It's more like being constantly vigilant, constantly checking that what I do or say won't upset Kayla."

"But, then why am I constantly concerned about perhaps upsetting her? Try to answer that honestly. What would happen if she's upset?"

He knew what the answer was. Reluctantly he acknowledged, "Because when she yells and badgers me I feel cornered. I don't know what to do. I feel I have no options ... just suck it up. I feel like a four year old being scolded by an adult. The same fear I had  when I was a child comes back. The only other thing I can do is yell back. I don't want to yell back. Being in the no man's land where I have only the suck it up option makes me nauseous. Yes, I am fearful. But fortunately I have tools now, the b personality and c personality insights Rachel helped me find. Over time and with practice those insights will help me be calm when she's in one of her moods. I'll be able to retreat into an observer role ... take a step back and see her and see myself objectively in those moments."

He looked forward to the next few days. It would be nice without Kayla here. She had given him no indication how long she would be away, He was used to this. When she wants to come back, she'll call, he thought to himself. 

But it wasn't like that. Two weeks went by. She asked for money twice and he did electronic transfers to her account. Towards the end of the third week she called one evening. She opened the conversation with, "How are you?"

Nathan responded with, "I'm fine. Are you still enjoying yourself there?"

"I want a divorce," she said. Just like that. He felt numb. Then bewildered as the reality came into focus ... he has to let go of his grow old together dream. Right here, in this moment, he had to let it go. The reality was that it had stopped being a dream long ago. It had been an illusion for a long time already. An illusion that he had unconsciously clung to in hope.

Kayla's discontent had finally matured into wanting a split. 

In seconds he realized he wasn't shocked so much as surprised. Surprised at the timing. Why did she not raise the subject before she left or wait till she came back? There could be a face to face discussion. Surely she knew it was what she wanted when she made plans to go to Evelyn for a visit? Clearly it was not a "visit" it was step one of her exit plan.

He recovered quickly. "Okay," he said. Have you thought about what's a reasonable settlement? Or do you want some time to think about it?" There was no point in against putting it off. He knew Kayla well. Any attempt to dissuade her was pointless. When she has decided on something there was no need for discussion as far as she was concerned ... this is how she wants it and this is how it would be.

"Five hundred thousand," she responded as if she were asking him to go buy her a pack of cigarettes.

Nathan isn't a haggler. He saw no point in haggling over the amount. The law is on her side. In the past there had been several arguments and fights in which she threatened, "I came into this marriage with nothing ... I'll leave with nothing !" Now was not the time to remind her of those words. He said quietly, "I'll get Howard to draw up the documentation. No point in dragging things out ... you and I have a verbal agreement ... we put it in writing and get it done."

"Let me know." Her words sounding like she wanted to twist the knife. "I'll tell you when I need money. Even though I'm staying with Evelyn I have expenses. And we are still married." 

The conversation left him feeling exhausted. "Suck it up," he thought. "It is what it is. Even though you don't want to be divorced, there's absolutely no point in trying to continue. It will sound like you are begging. And she will feed off that and just become more determined."

He knew her well.

He thought momentarily about having a drink. But that would probably cause him to relapse into a bender with no end in sight. And at a time when he needed a clear mind. He decided instead to write an email to Howard and get the ball rolling. This was it. He was the proud owner of a failed marriage. "Get it behind you. You have lived with the constant fear of this moment for years already," he told himself. Then he sat down to write the email.

Howard replied early the following day. He emphasized that he wasn't a divorce lawyer. But since it was a simple settlement, 500 000, uncontested, he agreed to do it. Please provide him with copies of ID's. A draft should be ready in less than two weeks.

Nathan was still stunned. There was the part of him that felt like someone had died. A sadness he could taste. Disillusioned and disappointed. The other part was his Stoic acceptance ... it's happened ... contain the material and financial damage as best he could. He had no appetite and the thought of drinking came up regularly over the next few days.

He wasn't lonely. Before he met Kayla he'd lived alone for many years. But that was not the only reason ... he often felt alone while they were together. She had a way of making him feel isolated for long periods throughout the years they were together. That was worse than being alone. 

The world doesn't stop when trouble hits you. There were chores to do, bills to pay and responsibilities. He spent the next few days taking care of these as best he could. He enjoyed the walks with Munch. Thank God for Munch. She was always happy and her lovely nature motivated him to not succumb to mope and dawdle in a depressed state. Rather stay active even though you don't want to do it.

He was awake for long hours at night. Despite trying to not think of Kayla, he did. It suddenly struck him why she moved the Iceland Roses from containers to the ground. 

For weeks, perhaps months, she had been an "absent" and disinterested version of herself. During this time her days were spent sitting and drinking wine and smoking on the back porch. Then suddenly, just before announcing her plan to visit Evelyn, she had the gardener replant the roses. Giving up on her powerful preference for container plants was a symbolic giving up act. Giving up on her marriage. The long hours spent drinking and smoking had brought her to the conclusion to exit the marriage.

Or was it just the signal that she had decided when to actually exit ? The more he mulled it over the more convinced he was that the decision to end the marriage started much earlier. The Iceland Roses incident was the final decision in her exit plan. 

The reason why she had agreed to him selling the expensive house and buy cheaper in the country now also made sense. She wanted fixed property converted to cash and she planned to take a portion of hard cash with her in the divorce. It also explained why she had refused to go house-hunting with him. It explained it perfectly. Name one woman who will not want a say in the choice of house she was going to ! 

The puzzle pieces were fitting together for Nathan. Kayla had been planning this for years. He was not angry with her. He was a little angry with himself for being naive and for not wanting to see what was happening under his nose. All the discontent she expressed and all the complaining she did, the insults and personal attacks on him. They all made sense and found their places in the puzzle.

He had been living in this dream of growing old together. A dream that couldn't work. A dream kept alive by him. A desperate attempt at finding love, loyalty and a soul mate in the shadow time of his life. Ended. Just like that. He realized it had been his last chance. He was now too old. He'd run out of time to find his soul mate. Let alone time to consolidate their bond and enjoy the togetherness of a real relationship. Kayla had used up the last years of the time available to do it.

It really was too late.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 11

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan takes others' words at face value. He trusts. Because he sees no value in being devious, he believes others will not deliberately mislead him. 

Chapter 11 

Rachel's words, "Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" came as a shock. They kept playing over and over in his mind. Is it possible? Is that what his subconscious, through the broken staircase dream, is trying to tell him? That he's looking for love where it doesn't exist? Deep inside him, he already knows, but does he push it aside because it's not what he wants?

The uncomfortable silence between them lasted for some days. Kayla sleeping in the spare room. He knew from past experience that for him to try and normalize the situation would be useless. He had to wait in discomfort till she came to him. Kayla seemed to get something from his discomfort. A sense of being in control, having power over him perhaps. 

On the third day she came to him, "This is silly. Let's put it behind us and move on." It wasn't a request. 

He wanted to say, "You chose it," but he kept quiet and just put his arms around her. They stood like that for moments, and Nathan felt the discomfort and tension of the last few days drain from him. 

He did put it behind him. He and the gardener were installing an electric garage door opener when Kayla came to them and asked, "Can I have Simon for a while? I want him to help me in the back garden."

"Sure. Let me know when I can have him back." Nathan was more than happy to comply ... she was showing some interest in the garden. He continued with the electrical connections. When it came to testing he'd need Simon again. He did not understand electrical things well ... knew just enough to get by. Up to now, there had been no mishaps. He went inside to read up on his computer on how to program the start and stop points for the opener.  

When he came out again he was surprised to see that Simon was transplanting the Iceland roses from their containers. He'd prepared eight holes in the ground along the water furrow and was busy filling them with soil and a generous amount of compost. It was puzzling. He recalled clearly the upheaval caused by his suggestion that the plants would probably do better in the ground. She was so angry about it. He had been angry as well. About her overreaction. Now she wanted them in the ground. He put it out of his mind. She was entitled to change her mind and he was not going to ask why she did. 

A few days later Kayla announced she would go visit her daughter. She'd already bought a bus ticket. Nathan was pleased. He and Munch would have the place to themselves. He could relax from constantly being vigilant to not upset Kayla, and she'd be doing what she likes doing.

The bus did not go through the village. There was a pick up point 35 kilometers away, approximately 40 minutes by car. But they planned to leave early in case they were held up.

She was packed and ready the day before her scheduled departure. They left the house at 07:30 and arrived at the bus stop almost half an hour early. They sat in the car and waited. Kayla got herself a cup of coffee. Nathan did not want bus stop takeaway coffee. 

The time went by quickly. It was ten minutes beyond the scheduled time and the bus had  not yet arrived. Kayla went inside to check what the delay was about and how long they expected it would be. She came back to the car and announced the bus had broken down and the replacement bus would be there in about two hours. Two hours was probably optimistic. She said, "You know what, I think let's skip this. I'll get a refund or reschedule my trip for another day. Let's go home."

Ten minutes into the trip back home she changed her mind, "You know what, let's go back. We can have proper coffee at a restaurant. An hour and a half wait is not the end of the world."

Nathan agreed, "I can do with a cup of decent coffee. Like you said, waiting a while isn't major."

There was little talk during coffee. They did not want to use up all the time in case the replacement bus got there sooner than expected. This time they waited only 20 minutes and the new bus arrived. He took Kayla's luggage out of the trunk. He was surprised at its size. This was obviously not a weekend visit. She had not told him how long she was going for. And he was not going to ask. Other times when she had gone to her family she also did not tell him. But those were normally stomp-out-in-a-huff episodes. This time she did not depart angry. She was agitated, but he took that to be because of the wait. 

She took the suitcase from him and said, "No need to come with me. Be on your way back home," and she turned and left to board the bus. Nathan got in the car. Yes, the suitcase was huge, but it had wheels and she would manage easily. He was not entirely happy with her leaving without even a see you soon. Let alone a hug and some indication of affection. That would be how normal couples do it. She just left without looking back. He got in the car and drove off.

He thought about Kayla's offhand behavior all the way home. It was really odd. She left like she was going to buy something at the store ... would be back in a few minutes. It was not the kind of departure a loving couple did. He decided to discuss it with Rachel. 

He got home. After putting away the car and ruffling Munch's ears, he made coffee and sat down at the computer. He read some comments on a Facebook group he'd joined ... members who had experience of a narcissistic partner or friend or family member. Nathan was shocked by some of the experiences shared by members. How they would be terrorized by the narcissist and how difficult it was for them to let go this person. He'd joined the group in order to expand his understanding of cluster b personality persons. Why was it so difficult to let go of them?

Many of the comments to posts were versions of "leave", "run", "get out now". Warning about dangers. Some expressly said,  it's dangerous to be with a narcissistic person.

Often when opening Facebook there would be a number of "Friend" requests. He did not understand why he was chosen. The requests were mostly from young women. Perhaps they just wanted to increase their number of "Friends" in Facebook. A few of them had over a thousand "Friends" according to their profiles. He "Confirmed" the majority of them. Sometimes they would message him. Sometimes the conversation/chat would continue for a while. But most times there was nothing after he'd "Confirmed" the friend request. He did not like the staccato style of Facebook Messenger. All online chat platforms seemed the same actually, encouraged a kind of abruptness he found irritating and strange. There were only a few instances when the new "friend" was willing to switch to email. In the email exchange decent conversations could happen. He enjoyed these more personal connections ... it felt more like they were real friends. 

He wrote a short email to Rachel telling her about Kayla and her strange behavior at the bus terminus. He wasn't looking for an explanation. He just wanted someone to hear him out. Someone real. Someone who would not pooh-pooh his feelings about the incident. Rachel was a compassionate listener. He needed to be heard.

The Bus

Me to Rachel HM - HR

Hello Rachel

Kayla decided to go and visit her daughter. I took her to the busstop this morning. She behaved very strangely in my opinion. She did not say when she intends to return ( I did not ask because my experience in situations like this with her it's better to not ask) 

When the bus arrived I took her suitcase out of the trunk. She took it from me, told me to be on my way, turned and walked away. No gesture or word of goodbye. I felt dismissed, irrelevant. Does it hurt? Yes it does when your partner seems to not care how her behavior affects you. I have given much thought to your words, " ... what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" I think it is precisely how she is. That she's not doing it deliberately, that she cannot be any other way makes it worse even. It means she cannot change. Our relationship will always be this way. Rachel, that's not a relationship. I don't know what it is, but if there's no respect. let alone warmth, I believe it's a toxic, codependency. Not good for either of us.

I'm not asking for advice or confirmation. I have nobody to talk to about this and I just want to be heard. I realize I have to decide for myself what to do. 

Thank you for listening. I feel heard and understood.

Regards 

Nathan 

 

Rachel's words, "Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?" came back to him again. He realized that Kayla's dismissive behavior at the bus terminal made him feel pushed aside, and he did not want to risk rejection by giving her a hug or some other gesture of affection. He also realized it was not an isolated instance. It had become a pattern in their relationship. He did not take the initiative ... he always waited for her. His spontaneity had been doused too many times. He'd been pushed away too many times. He felt less alone with her not there ... just him and Munch.  

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 10

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

In his eagerness to fix things Nathan often thinks something is fixed when it isn't. One could call it foolish. Perhaps even delusional. Unrealistically idealistic would be a better description. He sometimes wants something so much that he is blind to anything that doesn't fit into his plan.

Chapter 10

The days went by doing normal things. Kayla and Nathan were both happy and enjoyed just being at home together after their week away. Munch wasn't particularly elated to be fetched from the Kennels. Nathan took this to mean that kennel food was better. His morning routine had become, let the dog out and have a cup of coffee. He'd watch the sky get lighter as the sun rose. After coffee there would be up to an hour for emails and social media. Then he'd take coffee in for Kayla.

Rachel was quick to respond to his email about his "broken stairs" recurring dream.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

 

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for the feedback on your cluster c reading. I'd like you to do the same for Kayla's best fit archetype . As best you can determine for yourself which cluster she fits in. From what  you tell me I would not be  surprised if it's cluster b. Assume for a moment it is. You'll need a thorough understanding of b and of c in order to streamline communication. 

Hard but doable.

 

Anther point: if she's a cluster b person it would be better keep what you and I discuss to yourself. Cluster b's do not like criticism and often see suggested changes as criticism. In any event if this works you have achieved what you want to do ... whether she knows or not isn't important. I understand you feel it may be a betrayal of sorts. But first prize is getting your relationship to work well, isn't it?  

Thank you for sharing your broken staircase dream. I agree, it is important. Recurring dreams are always important. It may be vital for you to uncover the metaphor. Only you can do it. I can offer suggestions. But it is your job. Think hard. Write to me about it some more. Describe the people you knew and now meet again in your dream building. Colors. Smells. Emotions. Keep working on it. The major theme, you search but don't know what for. The frustration and dead ends. They're all consistently there and IMO important.  

I look forward to your emails. You will get there. You are a determined person. I sense giving up is not in your vocabulary. 

Regards

Rachel

He made a cup of coffee for Kayla and took it to the room for her. He loved these moments. She was relaxed and liked having him there. Munch came in and lay at his feet. "Darling, what's the important thing on your agenda for today?" If he knew he could fit in with her plans. Nathan realized that over time he'd more and more focused on what she wanted. To the point of not even expressing his own preferences. Rather waiting for her or asking what she wanted. He did not feel it was negative. Most of what she wanted he was okay with anyway. And he could juggle his priorities around those.

"Maria and I will reorganize the pantry. I want you to do grocery shopping."Kayla did not like going to the village shops. 
"I'm just about out of cigarettes," she added, "and get me some wine too."

After coffee he did an internet search for "cluster b personality" : 

Cluster b personalities (dramatic, erratic/emotional, narcissistic).

Cluster b personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety, being self-cent-red, avoiding responsibility and include the following traits: 

Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others 

Appearance: They are often very concerned with their physical appearance and what others think and say about them.

Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval 

Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification 

Blaming others: Blaming failure or disappointment on others 

Preoccupation with power

May have difficulty recognizing or identifying with the feelings and needs of others. 

Have trouble handling criticism, and may react with anger or rage. Inappropriate anger 

He would read some more later. Certainly the rage, anger and blame characteristics were Kayla's. He wondered why she had them. It didn't matter. He also didn't know why he had his particular set of characteristics.  His attitude softened when he thought of his own helpless responses. He realized Kayla would be equally helpless. Her responses would be different. Fueled by the different underlying characteristics she had. To her his behavior was probably equally puzzling. What was important is he now understood their different archetypes. And he had tools with which to work on improving their communication and avoiding fights.

He went to the shops for groceries and Kayla's wine and cigarettes. He was preoccupied with the picture that was developing in his mind. He did not know completely what his knee jerk behaviors were. He knew a few. When Kayla blamed him for something his first reaction was to try and make it right ... not give any thought to if her blame is justified. He would try to explain. After several attempts he'd experience anger and hit back. Often yelling accusations at her. It was the pattern. If only he could in those situations stand back and observe what was happening. Be calm, let her do her anger thing and allow time for her to let it out of her system. 

He replied to Rachel's email.  

Cluster a, b, c

Me to Rachel HM - HR

 

Hello Rachel

Thank you for your email. I'm seeing clearly. Part of me is relieved and I'm also concerned. I understand how fights between me and Kayla happens so easily. We are a perfect fit for one another ... I want to please ... she want's to avoid taking responsibility ... avoid anything that makes her less than perfect. 

I'm devastated when I feel I have disappointed her and then I have to defend and explain. She's not the sort of person that forgives. She doesn't want to say, "Sorry. I was hasty. Let's begin the conversation from scratch." No, that would be admitting that her discontent was an overreaction. So she just continues attacking. If she can make me wrong then her perfect image remains intact.

But you know, the strange thing is I'm still willing to acquiesce for the sake of peace and to make our communications better and fights fewer. Understanding the cluster c and b archetypes helps to be more rational when responding to her. I hope I can be more rational in my responses. 

 

Thank you for the time you give

 

Regars

 

Nathan 

 

He'd just sent the email when Kayla burst into the room, angry "You didn't get me my wine?"

The familiar fear feeling caught him in the gut. "I'll go get it. I forgot."

It would take him 15 minutes literally. Normally she'd be very pleasant and polite asking him to go buy her some wine. But this was different. She felt she had the upper hand because he'd forgotten. Now she could put him down for being forgetful. "You are the worst thing that ever happened to me!" She was literally shouting at him. "We had a nice home by the sea. Now I'm here in a trailer park home in the middle of the outback with dust from the street blowing in!"

She waited for him to respond. It was like he was looking down on the two of them. He wanted to say, "The house has nothing to do with the wine. You forget you bellyached about living like paupers in an expensive house. We agreed we'd sell the expensive house and buy cheaper so we could have money. You refused to participate in the purchase of another place. Repeatedly told me I must decide. Now you bellyache about this place," 

He knew any response would be an invitation for more abusive yelling. So he just held the fear feeling inside him. He did not make eye contact ... that would also be seen as defiance. When she realized there would be no response she turned and stomped out.

There would now be two or three days of sleeping in the spare room and heavy silences. It bothered him, but it was something in her he could not change. He was disappointed. Yes, he had forgotten. But Kayla's reaction was over the top, unreasonable and unwarranted. He got up and went to go and get her wine.

Rachel's reply came sooner than he expected.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello again, Nathan

I'm glad you find our exchanges useful. I have been thinking a lot about all you have told me about your life and about the pattern of you and Kayla['s interactions. There is something I must make you aware of. It would be wrong of me not to mention it. But, having said that please bare in mind, I am not a professional. My studies covered some of what I'm telling you. But I offer the information for you to consider. You are a sensible person and I know you will not over-react. You will use the information in a calm and calculated way. Perhaps reject it as irrelevant ... and that would be just fine.

It is very difficult for a medical health practitioner to certify someone as having a personality disorder. It's complex and takes a long time. On the other hand a person need not be certifiable as NPD for that person's cluster B characteristics to have a very destructive consequence in a relationship. 

From what you tell me Kayla has some of those. I have no doubt that she isn't a NPD person, but she does have some of the characteristics. Here is a list of the major symptoms:

extremely negative reactions to criticism

elevated sense of self-importance

preoccupation with grandiose thoughts of success

excessive need for admiration

strong sense of entitlement

People with this disorder often show a lack of empathy and may exploit personal relationships to elevate their self-image

She may also have anger issues, sometimes called narcissistic rage. This is an intense and often disproportionate emotional reaction that occurs when a person feels their self-esteem is threatened.

Two more things, both bad news; there isn't a "cure" for personality disorder. Typically people who have some characteristics associated with NPD do not change. Secondly, it is very hard to detect, because their behavior appears normal. They will show empathy and kindness. But it's a learned behavior. There is no compassion or real feeling underlying the behavior. They discovered at a young age that there's a payoff in appearing generous and kind. So, they do it. It's similar to you brushing your teeth. When tiny you were taught to do it. Now when you brush your teeth it feels good, but there's no compelling feeling underlying it.

Enough about her. Think about it carefully and make your own conclusions.

What I want to say to you would be incomplete without giving you an opinion on the metaphor that may be contained in your dream ... the lost and searching recurring dream. Do you think it's possible that the message from your subconscious is, Nathan, you are searching in the wrong place ... what you want, what you are looking for isn't there?

Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?

 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Regards

 

Rachel