Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 9

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is walking two paths at the same time. He's exploring options with Rachel's help and he's also enjoying being spontaneous in Kayla's company. He no longer feels his interaction with Rachel is a betrayal. If it improves their relationship it's good.

Chapter 9

It was 05:30 when Nathan sat down at his computer. Kayla will sleep for at least an hour and a half more. He had been awake during the night, thinking what he should write to Rachel. She asked that he tell her more about himself. He decided to also tell her about Kayla. It must not create the impression that he is complaining about Kayla. There are problems in their interaction. What he is looking for is ways to adapt. He's more than ready to make adjustments. It's not about Kayla's faults. They both have good and bad communication habits. Nathan wants to find ways in which they could change.

He needed to make clear that there had been unsuccessful attempts to address their communication style and persistent fights. That he'd approached Kayla a number of times. But straight talk about working things out made her defensive. She always saw it as a criticism. And then there would be a fight. 

There was so much he wanted to say. In the end he trimmed down his email to just a few points. Almost everything becomes a fight. Kayla seems to see only the extremes ... no middle ground. Any problem becomes his "fault." Nathan avoids allocating blame. He believes it solves nothing. While Kayla immediately blames someone or something when things are not as she wants them to be.

He cannot recall a single incident when she admitted to doing anything wrong. In the time they have been together she has not once asked forgiveness for anything. Nobody can be that perfect. 

He included a few paragraphs about himself. He was a recovering alcoholic, sober for 20 years. A few relapses. He wrote about his work and hobbies. The importance of his relationship with Kayla.

Just a few sentences about the relationship with his mother. Then he sent the email.  

He made coffee and he and Munch went outside to enjoy the early morning.

There was a time he would smoke while having coffee. But he no longer craved smoking. Kayla smoked a lot. She had her favorite spot on the back veranda and would sit and smoke in silence for long periods. Often it was an agitated pulling without a pause till the cigarette was finished. Sometimes she'd immediately light another. 

He finished his coffee and went inside to prepare a cup for Kayla. She was awake and smiling. He sat down on the linen chest while she had her coffee. Nathan liked these moments. There was a closeness between them. Uncritical. Relaxed.

"What was the name of the time share we went to?" she asked. "The one with the chalets high above the sea?"

He remembered it well. The visit ended abruptly. There was a silly argument and they left before their time had expired. Two whole days before. "Dunes," he said. "Very private. Very quiet except for the kids on the trampoline that one day."

"That's the one. We should go again." A short pause, "I want to go again. Please let's go?" She had either forgotten the argument they had the last time or chose to not speak about it. The latter, he thought.

He pushed aside the feeling of apprehension. In the past a weekend away always ended up in an argument about something trivial. Then going back home earlier than planned. But this was their new life. Things will be different. "Should I call and see if we can get a reservation?"

She jumped from the bed and threw herself against him, "Today! Now! As soon as they open." Her enthusiasm was catching.

A chalet was immediately available. The kennel for Munch was also not a problem. Pack, kennels and be on their way early the following morning. This was the lifestyle he dreamed of. They were together. They were close. Their relationship was working. 

The timeshare was less than two hours from their home. They left the inland heat behind and followed the coastal route. The drive was very pleasant with Kayla chatting away happily. They delayed having lunch until after they'd checked in and unpacked. Then went to the village, a very short drive from their chalet. Lunch took them two hours. Not because they had a lot to eat, but because they enjoyed the time together. Nathan was happy. Like he was early in their relationship. 

Nathan woke up early as usual. Long before Kayla would stir. He did not bring a computer with him. He could do all he needed to on his cell phone. There was a reply from Rachel. 

Registration Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for going into detail. Objective detail. From what you tell me I can see that you are inclined towards being analytical, and you love detail. You are probably also meticulous and like things to be "right"

You mention the communications difficulties in your marriage. I want to suggest we start by getting to know you better. Of course you know yourself. But I want you to put what you know into words. Make a personality inventory is a way to look at it.

  

Background: There are many definitions of personality archetypes that assist us in how we define ourselves. I suggest you read up about cluster a, b and c. Please note that in any literature you find on the internet these are likely to be defined as "personality disorders" I want you to not think in terms of having a personality disorder. We all have them to a degree. The cluster characteristics in extreme form is a disorder. But very few people have them in their extreme form. I suggest looking at the extremes because it illustrates best what your leaning is. 

There is no "right" way to be. We want to basically just understand what our most likely responses are in a particular situation. To have a nomenclature for describing yourself.

From what you have told me about you my guess is that you are a cluster c person. Analytical, meticulous attention to detail,  probably sensitive to rejection and criticism ... there's more. I suggest start with cluster c characteristics. You'll allprobably find you have some a and c traits as well. But we tend to have a dominant archetype. 

 

Kayla probably has a different dominant archetype from you. We'll look at hers at a later stage. For now we get to understand yours. 

I look forward to working with you and to your email reply. 

Regards

Rachel

Nathan could see the plan in this approach. He liked the idea of using "personality disorders" to understand the characteristics. It's like using hyperbole to emphasize something. 

The organization's name, "Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships" made even more sense now. A healthy relationship ... objective self knowledge rather than knee-jerk reactions ... objective knowledge of your partner rather than knee-jerk reactions. Things were making sense. His uneasiness about doing this without Kayla was fading. He was glad he'd decided to do it. He liked how Rachel worked. 

He did an internet search for "cluster c personality" : 

Cluster c personalities (avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive).

Cluster c personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety and fear, and include the following traits: 

People with this disorder are highly sensitive to rejection and avoid social situations due to fear of being negatively judged. They may feel inadequate and socially inept, and have difficulty forming close relationships.

People with this disorder have an excessive need for care and validation from others, and have difficulty making decisions. They may be submissive and clingy, and have a fear of separation.

People with this disorder are perfectionists who have an extreme need for order and control. They may be adverse to change and have trouble completing tasks. They may also have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.

No, he wasn't clingy. Neither did he have a fear of separation. He agreed with most of the rest. He had never articulated "avoidant" but he could see that was what he did. It may even be the reason for drinking excessively ... to avoid feeling fear by numbing out. Excessively anxious was also a familiar feeling. And definitely inclined towards perfectionism. It was good to be able to put words to these characteristics. And to see it in himself. To own them! But discuss them with Kayla? No. He did not see himself doing that. He could however understand how being conscious of his fears and preferences would help in not reacting from his feelings. Rather identify the feeling and then ... oh yes, I know this one ... how best do I respond? He smiled to himself as he thought this. It will take practice. But he was up to it.

It was a light bulb moment. Thank you, Rachel.

Kayla was awake when he took coffee in for her. He could see she'd been awake a while. "Thank you. What shall we do today? I'm looking forward to having you all to myself all day." This was a rare mood for Kayla.

They looked at brochures in the chalet. They decided to pack a cardboard box with stuff and go into the forest for lunch. 

On their way out of the village Nathan bought some ice and a bottle of wine. He'd taken an ice bucket from the kitchen. The wine went into the ice bucket wedged firmly in a corner of the cardboard box. Then half the ice went in. Kayla would have chilled wine with her lunch.

It was a lovely afternoon. They explored a little. On the way back they stopped at a nice looking spot, walked into the forest a short distance. It was cool and damp and shaded. Perfect for a picnic lunch. 

He did not talk much. It wasn't necessary. Kayla talked non-stop while preparing food. Nathan hardly listened. He was just happy to be here and that she was obviously enjoying the time with him. This was a beautiful start to their week away from home. He wondered about the process he'd started with HM-HR and Rachel. Was it necessary to continue? Yes, he'd continue. It was his nature to finish things ... another characteristic confirming his place in the cluster c personality classification.

He'd found a comfortable spot to sit. His backrest was a massive indigenous White pear tree. When they'd eaten Kayla leaned against him while finishing the last of her wine. She dozed off. He removed the wine glass from her fingers and let her sleep. He was happy. Nathan needs someone to care about in his life ... he cared a lot about Kayla and he wanted her to be happy to be with him. And look forward to their time alone together.

It fitted what he'd read about cluster c personality ... "excessive need for care and validation from others ... " He supposed it was a lack of self-confidence. We are strange creatures. He had every reason to be confident. He'd had a successful career. Put together a fair nest egg for his retirement. And he and Kayla can live comfortably now. He was part of a sector of only 20% of people who have sufficient retirement funding when they stop working. Every reason to feel confident.

Okay, so he had to sell the expensive house in order to free up capital so they could live better. But still, they did not have to continue working just to survive. And they did not need their children to support them.

The fact is he was financially reasonably successful. But he needed care and validation from others. From Kayla specifically. He was over sensitive to anything that sounded remotely critical. That is one of the reasons for often ending up in arguments. Remedy: when next you feel like defending or explaining, pause. Don't defend or counter attack. Ask yourself, is this a criticism? Or is it your knee jerk fear? You want validation and this seems like the opposite. Take time to respond. Find something neutral to say.

The strategy Rachael had started him on was paying off. He was much more aware of the process when he and Kayla spoke ... as if looking down on the two of them. Being conscious of his feelings. Thinking before reacting. The rest of their time at Dunes went without angry incidents. Nathan was thrilled 

On the second night his recurring dream happened again. The building, the broken stairs. And his feelings of frustration while searching and experiencing only dead ends. The things that were always the same were the building, the location of the building, the roads to and from the building. He was always searching unsuccessfully. Not ever knowing what it was he was searching for. The interior was not consistently the same. Often there was a broken staircase, but not every time. He wrote to Rachael about all this the following morning. Told her in as much detail as he could recall. And also wrote about how frequently he had the dream and for how long it had been happening. It did not seem to be linked to any person or recent incident. It would just happen. Then months would go by and he wouldn't have the dream. Perhaps Rachel would help him discover the metaphor. What it was he was searching for.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 8

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

He'd read about what it means to be an empath, but Nathan knows with complete certainty he isn't one. He has a compassionate understanding of another's situation, but from the outside. He doesn't become what the other person feels. Nevertheless, if the subject of his focus is discontented or hurt, Nathan must fix it. He believes he can. He can become the hero of the situation. He can become the solution, he can change. He believes he can become how she wants him to be.

Chapter 8

The silences, sleeping in separate rooms and not sharing meals lasted two days. A few times he wanted to go to her and say, "Keylie, let's stop this nonsense please," but he didn't. Nathan knew from past attempts it would not work. When she's had enough, she will come to him. So, he waited, but it was awkward. He felt uneasy all the time.
He went for long walks with Munch. There was only one park bench along the route he normally walked. When he sat down there Munch would jump up and sit next to him. Her presence was a comfort, and he rubbed her ears and spoke out loud to her. She dog-smiled back at him no matter what he said. It made him feel heard and relieved the tension.

Eventually Kayla ended it, "I don't like sleeping alone," she said out of the blue, "can we end this?"

He knew it wasn't a question. It was a demand with the intonation of a question.

He wanted to say, "I was not the one who moved into the spare room." If he said it, she would react with anger. He could never just speak to her freely, say whatever was on his mind. Somehow the subject would be shifted. It would become personal, and he would be pushed down. 

Kayla was not someone he could confide in. Often something he'd said a long time ago would come up and be used against him in an argument. So, he learned to keep quiet and to sensor himself. In conversations with her he chose his words carefully. It had become a habit. This way he could prevent put-downs or giving her information she could use against him at a later time.

He knew he was actually very alone despite being in a relationship.

So, he stopped himself and said instead, "I don't either. I'm glad we feel the same." He put his arms around her and felt genuine relief. The uncertainty drained out of him like a pressure release valve had tripped.

Even so, in his mind he kept going over the incident and Kayla's reaction. These silences bothered him and he could not discuss it with her for fear of how she'd react. He mulled over the option of seeking counselling. It went against his principles; couple problems are resolved in the relationship. Perhaps involving a counselor, but together, always. You don't go outside the marriage, discuss it with a third party. That would be like lobbying support against your partner. Right or wrong, it was a value he holds.

She chose Tuesday to go to a "proper" shopping mall to find rugs. This was good. Things were returning to normal. 

They traveled in silence. It was a pleasant silence. The car went through the curves in the pass comfortably. Nathan did not enjoy driving fast. He dropped her at the mall and went to do his things, bank, hardware store, dog food. It did not take long. He went to a coffee shop in the mall. Kayla would call him when she'd completed her rug shopping. They'd do weekly groceries together and then go for lunch. 

Before he'd finished his coffee Kayla called. They arranged to meet outside the supermarket. She could not wait for lunch time to tell him about the rugs. He followed her with the shopping trolley, and she talked excitedly about the rugs. The supplier could do custom sizes. The rugs were earthy colors, course weave, rubberized and came with bound edges. The shop had loaned her a swatch of rug textures and colors. There would be a waiting time between ordering and delivery. The price per square meter was good.

The restaurant was not far from the shopping mall. They chose an inside table. The outside seating was pleasant. However, the light was very bright despite the tables being in the shade of two majestic oak trees. 

Kayla brought the samples with her into the restaurant. He liked her excitement. He liked seeing her happy and smiling. As soon as they'd given the waiter their orders she started planning and visualizing out loud. Holding samples at arm's length and sharing her mind's-eye-picture with him. "For the passage. What do you think?" And without waiting for an answer, "Do you like the color?"

"Darling, the colors are all lovely," he really liked them all. "You choose. I don't even know if I prefer all the same texture or mix them a little. It's good you got the samples. We can lay them on the floor to help us decide."

Halfway through the pass on their way home he sensed Kayla's mood had changed. They were in one of the sharper curves in the road when she did an exaggerated grab for the hand grip on the door. She pushed the other hand against the dashboard. Her body language very clear, "We will crash! Drive properly!"

Nathan offered no response. Nothing. She was dangling the bait. She was agitated. Or bored. His driving had nothing to do with it. Anything, any defense, any remark or question would be escalated. It would become heated. Which gave her the opportunity to turn it into a personal attack. He knew the road well. 20 kilometers of curves and many sharp bends. They were all signposted with 40 km/h warnings. 40 km/h was overly conservative. There were only two bends that required a speed lower than 50. He knew them and wouldn't attempt them at more than 45 km/h. Even at 50 it wasn't unsafe. But in the interest of passenger comfort and to prevent stuff from sliding around he drove at reasonable speed. He always drove at lower speeds through the pass. There was seldom any need to use the brakes to slow down.

Another exaggerated grab. He ignored it. It wasn't even a very sharp bend. The pointless altercation of the roses and planters two days before was still fresh in his mind. It accentuated his resolve to not respond. Why was it so difficult to be together peacefully? Why was it so hard to discuss differences with the purpose of finding middle ground? It seemed every disagreement must be turned into who's right and who's wrong. And it was always he who was wrong. Holy shit! Different opinions can coexist ... why in their case must there always be only one ... and it had to be hers?

What he considered normal conversation seemed possible only if she was in the right mood. More often than not normal conversation was impossible. Somehow their interactions became tense, stress-laden and negative. And he couldn't even discuss this with her. He made up his mind. He would search online. There must be sites that offer counselling. Perhaps something like a counselling hub. A site that offers peer to peer discussions with others who have a similar dilemma. Or perhaps a knowledgeable other person to help him unravel things. 

He drove on mulling the thought. It would not be the same as discussing relationship problems outside the marriage. Not really in that one would not actually be with another person ... it's a cyber conversation. No harm in exploring it anyway. He wouldn't do it to gain the upper hand. He just wanted to understand better. Perhaps he could make changes so he and Kayla could communicate better.

They spent the afternoon planning and measuring. Once they had all the measurements they decided on textures. The colors did not matter to Nathan, they were all earthy and very much the same. He had made up his mind to google a counselling service the next morning. He was always up long before Kayla. It was his time to do emails and read the news online before they had breakfast together. 

Kayla had made notes of sizes and colors. She would order the rugs in the morning she said. 

He woke up before her as usual. He let Munch out and made himself a cup of coffee. His Google search for "counselling hub relationship" brought up a vast number of links. He selected a promising sounding link from the list. It required registration, create a profile. One then posted on a bulletin board and anybody could respond. It was too public for his liking.

After more browsing he selected another site. He liked the name, "Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships." They also wanted registration and to fill in a form. Presumably to create a profile. He chose a second email account, one Kayla could not access. He felt guilty about doing it. It was a stealthy action. He justified it to himself by rationalizing that she had on occasion read his journal and looked through text messages on his cell phone. He did not want her to know about this now. Maybe later.

There was an immediate auto-response from the site. His application would be evaluated. One of their counselors would contact him by email. Everything would be confidential. 

There was an email from Rachel, the HM - HR consultant, in the early afternoon. Nathan had anticipated some boilerplate response, but this was personal and friendly. She offered no details about herself. He understood that ... professional. She didn't ask about the reason for him wanting counselling. She merely asked him to outline some background. She wanted information that would help her know a little more about him: 

Registration Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello Nathan

I'm glad to know you and welcome to HM - HR. 

Please tell me as much as you want about yourself. I'd like to know more about you than what we get from the form you filled in. Obviously you and I will get to know one another better over time. As a start point, please tell me who you are as you would to someone you have just met.

In the free form part of your application you mentioned you love animals, music and motorbikes. And that you have adult children and you enjoy working with your hands. That gives me a pretty decent picture already of who you are. I sense you have an analytical nature. I think we are all somewhat analytical. We want to make sense of things that happen to us. How these affect our lives, our feelings and our world. It's human nature to have things "make sense." Especially in our relationships we want to know what works so we can repeat them. We want to know what doesn't work so we can change them. I gather this is the reason why you are "searching." I will do my best to help you with that.

I look forward to working with you and to your email reply. I want to again reassure you that all we discuss is confidential, between you and I.

Regards

Rachel

 

What a lovely email, he thought. She is someone he could talk to. Someone who'd hear him and not negate his feelings and opinions. Nathan had a good feeling about this new contact.  He still felt guilty about going outside his relationship. No matter how much he rationalized that he was doing this to improve their relationship, he was uneasy. He decided he would continue. He would go ahead, seek counselling on his own. He had crossed a self imposed red line. It violated a personal core value. But, he will do it.

On the whole he felt good. He felt less alone than he'd been for a long time. Early days, but there was someone in his corner. What will he tell Rachel? He knew from other counselling sessions that the format is not one where you state your problem and the counselor gives you a solution. It is a process of self-discovery. Where will he start?

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 7

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Wanting to belong and to be accepted drives Nathan's decision making. Early childhood experiences resulted in feelings of being not good enough. As a child he felt tolerated and at the mercy of his mother rather than belonging and accepted no matter what.

He has an insatiable and compelling need to belong. To be part of an authentic, real family, or partnership. A place where the rules are clear and logical, don't change at the whim of the one who shouts the loudest. It's an unconscious need to have such a place. A place of loving connections where forgiveness is authentic and consequences are consistent.

Chapter 7

For most of the rest of the week Kayla and Maria worked inside, cleaning out cupboards ... again. Linen and clothes and kitchen things came out of their cardboard boxes. They were given permanent places. Nathan and two men worked outside getting rid of stuff left behind by the previous owner. They did gardening, pruning and generally tidied up the yard. At lunch times and tea times Kayla would see to it that everyone got fed. They were simple meals but generous. She believed if you work hard you must be well fed. She threw herself into making the new, old house their home. Nathan was happier than he'd been for years. 

He made many trips to the shops. Sent by Kayla for cleaning materials, food and fizzy drinks. She did not want to go out. She spoke about going to a "proper shopping mall" the following week to start looking for rugs. Other than that she showed no inclination towards going out of the house. She hardly ventured into the garden even. Nathan liked the garden, but she defined it as an overgrown mess. He'd have to see to tidying it up despite that gardening was his most disliked chore.

He felt good about getting the roses for her. He stood at the counter waiting to pay. His thoughts went back to an incident early in their relationship, before he had asked her to marry him. She showed up at his house without warning, late morning one Saturday. She came into the his workshop where he was resawing some used Oregon pine wood for a coat rack. He was delighted to see her. "Leave that for another day," she said, you can come back to your planks when I'm not here." 

"And so you should be. Come," she said taking him by the hand and pulling him towards the door.

She took him to her car, opened the trunk and pointing at a picnic basket she said, "There. Bring it ... work for today is over. We will have an early lunch on the beach."

"It's a lovely surprise, Keylie," he said picking up the basket. It meant so much more than nice food and sitting in the sun. He couldn't find words to describe the feeling. Her surprise visit, the picnic basket, and the message behind it; she cared, she wanted to be with him. 

"Nathan, I take care of what's important to me," she said as they started down the path. "It's what I do. I'm not a here today gone tomorrow person. "Better get used to it," she added and Nathan, suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of belonging, felt his eyes fill with tears ... a moment he would treasure forever. 

He gave up on ever meeting the standards his mother laid down. He  tried hard. But standards would change when he somehow managed to achieve them. New standards would be set and he'd be trying to measure up to them. In the end he gave up. It wasn't a conscious decision. It just happened. One day he realized he no longer tried. Nor cared. He left home as soon as he found a way to pay his own way.

 

He came out of his thoughts when the nursery woman asked, "Which is your car? I'll have the plants loaded for you."

Kayla was excited about the roses. One of the men offloaded them and placed them on the back veranda. "I want some large pots," she announced. "Where will one get them?"

"Darling, I'll get one of the guys to plant them in the garden. Just point out where you want them to go," he suggested. Why pots, he thought. "It's excellent soil and they will do better than constrained in pots."
Her reaction exploded into the peaceful day, "Are they my roses, or did you get them for yourself? You can decide where the hell to plant them if you are too miserly to get pots."

Kayla ignored him when he returned. He got one of the men to offload the pots and a few bags of potting soil. They were placed with the plants on the back veranda. He had no intention of giving instructions to actually plant the roses or position the pots. She could do that. 

Neither of them spoke a word to the other for the rest of the day. It was not an unfamiliar situation to him. There would not be an evening meal or any talk. Eventually they would end up sleeping in separate rooms. When she was like this she'd go and sleep in a spare room. Sometimes it would last several days. 

He was not the type of person to not apologize for being rude or inconsiderate, but what should he apologize for? He bought her some roses and commented that they would probably do better planted in the ground. His intentions were well meant. Even when she had her anger outburst he chose to keep quiet.

On one of his shopping trips, Kayla had sent him to buy her some wine, he stopped at the nursery in the main road. He bought their entire stock of Iceland roses. Eight plants in black plastic containers. Given her fascination with Iceland roses, the plants may just stimulate her interest in the garden. Roses do well here. Almost every garden has them. The Iceland roses being hardy and frost resistant being an obvious popular choice.

He smiled at how she summarily relegated his treasured Oregon pine to planks. "I'll gladly leave my planks for another day," he said, "I am happy you are here."

He often wondered why he had such a powerful need for belonging. It had always been there. Lately he wanted and needed for him and Kayla to be a unit. He'd read up about it and there was little doubt the need originated from his childhood. In childhood he never felt safe in his family. There was always a feeling that he was not really accepted. Being tolerated in the family had conditions and he was well short of meeting those. 

Nathan knew that anything he said now would only intensify her anger. He felt hurt and angry being called miserly. He bought the roses because he knew she would like them. He felt the wave of nausea rush through him. Why attack his person? He'd go buy the damn pots, keep quiet and wait for her anger to blow over. This was not part of the plan. He had looked forward to the warmth of her appreciation. Instead he feels devastated and hollowed out. Now he's looking down the barrel of days of frosty silences.

He walked away. She followed him. It was like she couldn't stop, wanted to make sure he understood exactly how offensive his remark had been. Nathan said nothing. He was angry. Nauseous at the same time, the familiar nausea when he felt cornered with no way out. He resolved to suppress any urge to talk back. Don't give any sign, no acknowledgement that he had even heard what she'd said. It went on for what felt like several minutes. Eventually he got in the car and went to buy the pots. 
He noticed later that she had instructed one of the men to plant them. The pots stood neatly arranged along the water furrow in the back garden. He was still angry. Anger, disappointment and feeling unappreciated. 

The first time she moved into the spare room Nathan felt overwhelmed. That was many years ago. He went to her and begged to end the cold war between them. He even said sorry. He could not see any reason for her anger then either, but he said sorry anyway. Over the years he became accustomed to her coercion tactics ... the thing is it achieved nothing other than putting him down, making him feel terrible. He eventually gave up going to her when she isolated him like this. When she had had enough she would end it. It no longer bothered him much. What was different this time was he had thought their new home would be a fresh start. That their relationship would grow.  After putting all his hopes into their fresh start it was a huge disappointment. He felt all the anticipation of the positive togetherness he so wanted, thought was happening, had been sucked out of him by this day.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 6

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan gets moved to tears easily. Seldom does he cry because he feels sad. It's more often happy tears, joy at someone overcoming a tough situation. Heroic action by a horse or a dog. A wide variety of situations make his eyes well up and his voice falter. 

It need not be a real situation; he cries in movies, when reading fiction or telling a story. He's affected by anticipating or remembering events in his own life too. It has to do with compassion and altruism. He easily goes from the reality of the moment into another time. It's like experiencing the other being's predicament, achievement, happy moment or sadness.

Chapter 6

On the Sunday Kayla called him four times to make arrangements to be picked up. "I miss you. I want to come home," her opening words on the first call.

He longed for moments like this, when there was an intimate warmth in her tone and message. It will be a home coming better than he'd hoped for. There were moments when thinking about her home coming made him apprehensive. He was a little afraid to anticipate it, but today he felt lifted. "I love you and I miss you too, Keylie," he told her. "Come home. Soon. The house is ready enough ... still a lot of work, but it's comfortable enough for now. We're about to start a new adventure ... I can hardly wait."

The woman who would give her a ride planned to come through on the Wednesday. Arrival time had not yet been established but it would be before midday. That was good. The first sight Kayla would have of their new, old, home would be in daytime.

Nathan was excited. He was happy. She's coming home. This is how he wanted it to be. Looking forward to being with his wife. Not defensive and worried about things going wrong. He was anticipating positive togetherness. She had said as much when she called. The new leg of their journey together was about to begin and he had warm feelings of belong-together ... there was a blues song he liked ... the lyrics "it feels like coming home" made his eyes well up every time he listened to the music. That's how he felt today, a mixture of safety and anticipation, tears in his eyes, longing to be with Kayla. 

He was again in that wonderful state of looking forward to things, like he felt about her when they first met. At that time she was excited too. She was going to collect photos and memories and put them all together in an album, their story. Nathan bought her a number of photo albums, but they remained empty. The collage of happy reminders of their life together got overtaken by practicalities. And by rows and fights. But after her call on Sunday Nathan was again hopeful. This time it would be different. There would be a new start. Kayla would have all she wanted and there would be no reason for her to be discontented. 

He keyed the address of where he would collect her on Wednesday into his cell phone navigate app. He traced the route on the map. It was 47 kilometers and the travel time estimate was 35 minutes. On Wednesday he'd give himself an hour. Rather be early than have her wait.

The list of things to do before Wednesday was short. A dressing table, mirror and plug point in the bedroom,. Connect all the new light fittings. Towel rails in the bathroom. There was more than enough time to finish. The painting will be completed on Tuesday already. The renovations had gone better than anticipated. The interior looked good. Good, but there were no decorations and it lacked color.

Nathan called Maria and arranged for her to come in and do a thorough clean on Wednesday morning. Lucas had stayed sober. The painting was done, tools and left over paint stored on the back veranda. He lay awake for a long time on Tuesday night, excited about the next stage of their journey together. He was pleased with the renovation.

Munch woke him up before six on Wednesday morning. He rubbed her ears. She likes having her ears touched and would just sit there for as long as he was willing to touch her. "Lots to do Girl," he told her eventually. "Keylie is coming home today." He put on his gown. She followed him to the kitchen. She would now get in his way and follow him around and generally be a nuisance until he fed her. 

Kayla estimated he should pick her up at 11:30. She'd call him if there was a delay. So, he'd leave at 10:30 after giving Maria final instructions. He was relieved when the gate bell rang at just after 8 ... Maria was here. The house would be clean when Kayla arrived.

He traveled at a modest 80 kilometers per hour. Anticipating collecting her and being together again. It seemed so long. It's like a reunion, he thought and allowed the scene to play out in his mind like an HD movie trailer in slow-mo ... he'd walk up to the house and she would come out before he even knocked. He'd hold her tightly and she'd break away impatiently to get her suitcases so they could load up and get going. 

It happened almost like that. The woman opened the door for him and called out to Kayla. She came running into the entrance hall and threw her arms around him. Tears sprung up in Nathan's eyes. She wouldn't let go. She clung to him like something bad would happen if she let go. The two women were babbling away excitedly, Kayla still hanging on to him. He didn't hear what they said. He was just happy and smiling. 

They drove back slowly. Kayla was talking and laughing just like she did when they first met. It was a happy homecoming. He didn't even give a thought to perhaps she would be disappointed in their new home. She was too bubbly and excited. It seemed all that mattered to her was she was home ... the house could be a shack and she wouldn't mind.

The road home went through what was new territory for Kayla. She took it all in. Looking around to not miss anything. But still talking all the time as they drove through vineyards and orchards and pastures. It was a warm day, a lovely drive through the lush green valleys with grey mountains in the distance.

She remarked about the Iceland roses. They were everywhere. In gardens and on pavements. Almost all houses had them. Defining borders of orchards and vineyards and lining farm roads. Nathan heard somewhere or perhaps he'd read t that they served a practical purpose. Farmers planted them along borders and tracks. It was to assist drivers of big farm implements and trucks. The white of Iceland roses stood out in sharp contrast. They are hardy plants and even in winter months there would be flowers.

One's first impression is that the flowers are white. But if one goes up close you can see the faint pink blush on the older petals. It looks like someone had misted over the flowers with a pink spray. Kayla loved the flowers and liked that they were everywhere. The people here obviously appreciated their beauty. 

She went through the house room by room. It struck him that this is what happens to weaver bird males. The female inspects the nest and then either moves in or rips it apart. His nest was about to be accepted or not. She liked it. "You did well, Nate," she said "We'll need rugs. I'll start looking first thing tomorrow, We don't want to cover these lovely floors with wall to wall. I'm glad you chose white and cream. It goes with anything ... easy to create highlights in any color."

He went to collect her suitcases from the car. Munch was running into the house, around Kayla and then out again. She was excited, not knowing what about but sensed this was an important occasion. Kayla kept wandering around the house and looking. She was making mental notes of what more to get and what should go where. She flopped down in a couch and smiled up at him. "You know what? I was concerned. I was worried you'd made a big mistake or you'd paint the whole house green. I'ts lovely, Nathan. I don't know why I worried."

It crossed his mind to ask why she had not come with him to select a house when he first started looking, but he knew better. She had made that decision and him questioning it now was inviting trouble. "Do you want to eat out, take out or do I make something?" he asked. Food wasn't a big thing with her. 

"What did you plan for our first evening in our new, old home?" she asked. "I know you would have planned. Let's do that. Whatever it is."

She was right. He had planned. He didn't want to eat out ... mid week ... small village ... eateries may close early. He'd stocked up the day before There were cold meats, cheeses and pickles. He also got a sourdough bread from the little bakery. 

The meal was lovely. They sat and talked and took their time. Kayla was excited and was planning and rattling on about her decorating ideas and what she'd do. Did he have someone who could come in and help? He had difficulty getting a word in she was talking so much. His heart was full. He felt happiness, relief and warmth towards her and excitement about the future. All thrown together. He realized the last few months had taken it's toll on him. 

It was worth it. It was a good home coming.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 5

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is not superstitious. However, he respects dreams ... they may contain subtle messages. There could be a message from the subconscious. Something the subconscious knows, but the dreamer does not yet know. e.g. a blind spot, a concept inaccessible to the analytical mind. He does not believe in popular dream theories. He rejects theories like dreaming of a snake signals hidden threats. Perhaps deceit, or betrayal not yet recognized. Or untrustworthy people.

His belief is that a dream is a metaphor of what your subconscious wants to communicate to you. A repetitive dream is particularly important. It's a coded message and the dreamer has to decode it for himself in order to understand the actual message. 

Chapter 5

Lucas, the painter, is well known in the village for work of reasonable quality. He is perhaps better known for his tendency to hit the bottle. It did not bother Nathan that Lucas sometimes drank ... he could monitor the situation. Drunk on the job would not be tolerated. He made that clear. He told Lucas that he, Nathan, was a recovering alcoholic. He knew all the excuses and behaviors of addicts first hand. They joked about it. That sometimes when having had a few one's opinion of the quality of your work is unrealistic. You don't comprehend that it's actually a very bad job. They had agreed that drunk on the job would result in stop immediately, go home, no pay for the day.

Progress had been good and quality was better than acceptable. Surface preparation of the living-kitchen space had been done. The main bedroom was done. Kayla had told him she had met a woman who would give her a ride towards the end of the following week. This was good. Almost enough time to finish painting and he did not have to go and fetch her in the city. The woman would bring her to within 50 kilometers of here.

He was still apprehensive. No, he was worried. Kayla had seen only photos of the house in it's original state. It had the advantage though that any improvements he'd made since then would stand out for her. Originally the interior was dark. The previous owner liked hard colors, olive green, dark cream. There were two walls painted maroon! Nathan decided everything would be white. He ripped out all the blinds and curtains that had been left behind. He'd already ordered lightweight, pale color, blinds. "Double Fabric Roller Blinds – a stylish and modern solution for controlling light levels. Featuring alternating sheer and solid stripes across two layers of fabric," read the advertisement. He interpreted this to mean  that they could be adjusted between see-through-lace state and solid-regular-blind state.

To Nathan the new place wasn't a roof over one's head, a place to stay. It was tightly coupled to their relationship. If Kayla liked being there they would have a wonderful life together. The new place, their relationship and their future happiness were linked together.

His thoughts about it were jumbled. He sensed that how he wanted their relationship to be was coupled to where they live. If Kayla was happy to live here things would go well. If not, many of the things he wanted their relationship to be would simply not be possible.

Nathan wanted trust, forgiveness, acceptance, care for one another to drive their interaction. He loved imagining himself in the role of her caretaker and friend. He didn't want to feel like he was an adversary. To constantly feel he was the obstacle between her and her happiness. There had been days he saw himself teetering on the brink of an abyss. He would fall into dark nothingness if he lost Kayla. There was nothing if their relationship failed. 

So, fearful of tumbling into nothingness, he worked furiously to establish their dream living space. He was up early most days and spent most of the day on his feet, supervising the work and doing some of it himself. He fell into bed exhausted most evenings, sometimes without having an evening meal. 

It's okay, he thought to himself. He did not resent the work. When tired he'd remind himself, it's for us. 

Nathan woke up from The Dream with a shock. It was not the content that shocked him. It was the realization that he had dreamt the same dream again. Most times, when he woke up from a dream he would know he had dreamed but often he would not remember what it was about. This one, The Dream, was different. He dreamt it often and could remember details. It had to be significant, he thought. It had the same feel each time. Not the same details, but always the same underlying message. It's a question actually, what is this "something" I'm searching for, always searching but I never find it? What is the meaning of the frustrations and obstacles throughout the entire dream?

In The Dream he would be retired from his nine-to-five office job. Then he would have to go back to the old workplace for "something." It was very puzzling. He did not know what it was that he had to go back for. There was an urgent, compelling need to go to the building and find someone or something.

Sometimes he had difficulty finding the right motorway to get to the building. Often he experienced problems finding the right motorway to get out of the city and back home again. There were many one-ways in the vicinity of the building where he had worked. It complicated the job of getting to the building and away on the right road to get back home. 

In the dream he always struggled to find the entrance to the underground parking. When he'd parked the car he had to search for a way to the foyer. Things were different each time. There were always renovations happening. Elevators were out of action or took him to the wrong floor. Often he'd get stuck between floors. There were boarded up passages. Doors would lead him into dead end spaces. In that way it was a nightmare. In one of the episodes he went up in a stairwell and suddenly the steps ended. He could see where they continued higher up. But between the two pieces of still intact staircase was a dark hole with no visible bottom. He had to turn back. He could not bring himself to attempt a jump across. 

There were people. Some he recognized from his actual working days in that job. He would talk to them, ask for someone who could help him find what he was looking for. They were always polite but never able to assist. 

Finally, none the wiser, he'd give up and leave the building. Only to have similar struggles getting out. He would have forgotten which level he'd parked the car on. Then he'd end up on the wrong motorway. He'd struggle to find the right motorway to take him back home.

Despite not believing in popular dream interpretations he once Googled, "broken stairs dreams". He found an article: "A broken staircase in a dream is often perceived as an ominous symbol. The stairs can represent progress, growth, and transition. When these elements are broken or damaged, the dreamer might feel overwhelmed by obstacles or setbacks. This article will explore various interpretations of broken staircases in dreams and provide insights into their possible meanings and significance; Overcoming Challenges, Fear of Change, Self-Doubt, Unresolved Emotions ..."

He lay awake for some minutes, pondering again the information from Google. What challenges, what changes, what self-doubt? Perhaps, yes, but he still had no clue what "something " he was searching for. He did not want to know he was in "Fear of Change" he wanted to know what were those changes he was fearful of making. The dream may be a metaphor, but it was also a complete mystery. 

Realizing he would not immediately fall asleep again he got up  to make coffee. Those he told about drinking coffee at night, that it settled his anxiety or racing thoughts and helped him sleep were incredulous. He supposed it had little to do with the coffee ... anything he did to break the cycle of thoughts would probably help him sleep. So what, he had a high tolerance to caffeine and it worked for him and so that's what he did.

It was after 3 when he went back to bed. 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 4

 

 Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan had learned that Kayla has a low tolerance to waiting. There was a time he wondered if she was a narcissist. He read up about narcissism. Much of the documentation covered NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. She did not have a personality disorder. That was obvious to him. He came to the conclusion that there are levels of narcissism, it's a continuum, not a binary choice. Kayla was perhaps high in narcissism. He could handle it. If one knows she dislikes waiting one allows for it. A simple adjustment.

Chapter 4

The plumbing will take another day. It would not unduly affect the overall time. In a renovation project there are always unforeseen obstacles. The outlet pipes were inadequate and had to be replaced. Fortunately replacing the bath was a minor job. The new bath was a freestanding unit and did not require being built in or to have the sides enclosed.

The morning sun was pleasant. The air outside was cold. Nathan sipped on his coffee looking out over the houses and towards the distant mountains. He enjoyed the view. It was strange that the veld looked black. The foliage, although green when one was up close, had a charcoal appearance from a distance. He supposed because of the shadows in the early morning ... there was more dark shadow than sunlit, green foliage. 

He was not worried about the duration of the renovation. Kayla had indicated in her last telephone conversation that she was considering joining him before the work was completed. When she "considered" something it was normally an indication that she had all but made up her mind. He would discourage her from joining him earlier, but she did not like to be told what to do. She also did not like waiting. Not for anything. He needed to delay her arrival until after at least 80% of the work had been done. The plumbing will be completed today and the bulk of the painting probably by the middle of the following week. It was not a big concern. He just had to juggle between having her being inconvenienced by building work here and keeping her waiting there. He could manage it. 

Early in their relationship he learned to not keep her waiting. He should have learned two important lessons that day, he thought to himself. Unfortunately he missed the second one. He remembered it as if it was  yesterday. Kayla had an appointment with the GP. When they arrived at his practice she wanted Nathan to drop her at the entrance and pick her up later.

"Let's park the car and I go in with you and wait in the waiting room?" he suggested. 

"Just drop me and come back in twenty minutes," she said sounding irritated. "When I'm done I'll come out and wait in the same spot where you drop me. You can just double park for me to get in."

Nathan was concerned things may not go as planned and asked, "Take your cell phone with you just in case?"

Kayla ignored the question. When she got out of the car she left the phone in the open glove compartment with her house keys and shopping list. He checked the time on the dashboard clock before driving off to find a place to park for 20 minutes.

He loosened his seat belt and rolled down the window. Leaning back in the seat he waited and began thinking of what may go wrong. Nathan had a bad feeling about this arrangement. He felt queasy. That was fear ... fear feelings coupled with not having options literally made him nauseous. Since childhood nausea was the signal his body gave him when he was in a corner and just knew it would end badly. 

Strange, he was not fearful of difficult situations. Those he could handle. He had choices and accepting that the task was beyond him was also an option ... as long as he wasn't back against the wall with zero options. In childhood the nausea always had to do with things his mother told him to do, expected from him. Or the school bully. Or the unreasonable teacher. He loathed irrational. Even as a child he sought reason, thinking it would protect him. When his mother gave instructions or demanded he do something his fear was about what would come afterwards. He would have no say, no options, just had to follow instructions. Often there would be a less than perfect outcome. Then the blaming would start and not stop till her mood settled. There was no room for reasoning or excuses. She just bulldozed on. He would just have to suffer the feeling of powerlessness as long as the badgering lasted.  

Even if the outcome was good there would sometimes be some negative reaction from her. He felt like that again now, anticipating Kayla's anger if he were late at the pick up spot. Or she came out of the building sooner than 20 minutes, before he was there to pick her up. Or anything else went wrong. The nausea gripped him. He knew he would not throw up, but one has a reflexive feeling of revulsion when about to throw up. He felt the rush of saliva in his mouth, familiar sensations that came with his anxiety. He never actually vomited ... just hovered on the edge ... that's where he was in this moment. He waited for the symptoms to subside.  

It was time to go. He double parked at "the spot" 17 minutes after dropping her.  No sign of Kayla. He waited. Obstructing the traffic flow made him uncomfortable, but he stuck it out. 

After some time he decided he needed to again park the car and then go in to inquire. The girl in reception told him the doctor wanted a blood analysis. Kayla was probably still at the pathologist just a few doors away. It was now almost 35 minutes since he dropped her at the entrance. He'd go check at the pathologist.

As he came out the building, there she was, waiting, visibly angry, "I told you to double park! Where's the car?" 

"I did exactly as you told me," he defended while already walking in the direction of where he'd parked. "I double parked and waited. When you did not show up I took the car back into the parking area and then went inside to look for you."

"Here I'm standing like a fool, waiting!" she continued, louder, but not so  that others would turn and stare. "Not knowing if you are coming or not! Or when!"

This was absurd ... he told her to take her phone for in case. They'd reached the car. He held the door open for her. She got in without saying thank you ... and with very angry body language. He walked around and got in. He was now angry too. It's absurd; she ignored his suggestions and when things went pear shaped it's his fault? No, this is ridiculous. 

He reversed out of the parking space and started driving towards the exit. Kayla had not yet finished. "There I was ... not knowing where you are ... no phone. And Mr Bigshot leaves me hanging around waiting on the sidewalk!"

"Keily, please," he tried to defuse the situation. "We did not know about the blood specimen. It's nobody's fault. It's over. Please?"

"You treat me like rubbish and I must accept? You are the rubbish!" There it was again ... when she was in this mood she'd shift focus away from the actual subject, make it personal and hurl insults at him.

At this point he lost it completely and yelled at her. He yelled so loud it scared him. He did not do this kind of thing, yelling at people, but he was furious. The day was destroyed. They drove home in silence, both seething. He couldn't remember how long the cloud of anger and resentment hung over them. Definitely well into the next day. Eventually she came to him and said, "I don't like this heavy atmosphere. I'm going to put it behind me. Now." 

That was it. He said nothing. He was glad she was no longer angry, happy to let it go. Puzzled but glad it was over. How could two people not resolve a simple thing like this? Blaming and yelling was destructive. It was lose-lose-lose; neither of them won and their relationship also suffered a body blow.

Thinking back on the incident now he realized, although he did get lesson one, don't let Kayla have to wait, he totally missed lesson two that was presented to him, you do not try to reason with angry Kayla ... keep quiet, walk away before you say anything. Trying to reason, arguing, saying anything will only make it worse. This is as good as it gets for this particular episode ...  keep quiet. If you get blamed for silence, it's a new accusation, a new episode, and damage control may be easier. It took  many arguments, many fights and much disillusionment before he finally learned that lesson.

He went to unlock the gate for the plumber. Nathan preferred to keep it locked most times. That way one knows who comes in and goes out. He'd contacted the painter and gave the go ahead for him to start today. Surface prep work that would not be affected by dust from the bathroom could start now. Most of the angle grinder work was done already anyway.

Munch went zooming around the yard when he picked up her leash. Nathan was happy. Why could he not, like a dog, run in circles when happy. No, his mind went immediately to vodka. Sometimes bourbon. The sequence was always ... happy ... celebrate ... alcohol. He quickly pushed away the idea of getting a bottle of alcohol. As a binge drinker he was constantly vigilant. This is how it starts, with a single thought. If he allowed the first thought to get traction the next thought would be, it's okay, just one, you will stop again. When he was disturbed he wanted to drink to numb out and when he was happy he wanted to drink to celebrate. It always ended badly; he'd feel he'd betrayed himself. Physically he'd be tired and hung over which made him pick up again in order to numb out. It would last for days and then he'd finally have the courage to pull himself together again and stop. There were no in between states ... he'd drink too much or be completely sober. 

It was not difficult to resist the urge. He had a job to do. Get the house ready. Kayla will soon announce that she wanted to come home.

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 3

 Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan unknowingly buys into the narrative of The Narcissist's Prayer. He thinks he deserves how Kayla treats him. He thinks he can stop being blamed if he can only find what it is she wants and give it to her. Blaming will end if he can become the man she want's him to be.

"The Narcissist's Prayer

"That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it."

"The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig) beautifully illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimising poor behaviour, blameshifting and shamedumping all feature in this one simple verse, all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist the 'truth' is not seen as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable - as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it.  The truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time."

Chapter 3

On the morning of the day plumbing would begin Nathan woke up energized. The plumbing job will be the last of the really dirty work. He would start the painting later. Prevent cement dust from the bathroom contaminating the completed paint work. He was a step closer to the end of renovation, a step closer to Kayla coming home.

He had breakfast, took his coffee outside. Munch wanted to walk, but he had to wait for the plumber.

Say two days for the plumbing. He would prepare the wiring for the new light fittings during that time. He would not fit the new lights yet. Rather do it after the ceilings were painted.

The outside painting can be done later. Probably in two weeks the place would be in good enough order for Kayla to come home. He liked the sound of "come home." He missed her.

The paint had already been delivered. How long would it take to paint the inside? He'd never done a house paint project before. Two weeks should be enough. The problem was they would have to work around the furniture. There was nowhere else to store the furniture other than in the house. Most of the stuff was covered with plastic sheets, but they would have to  move things away from the walls. They'd also have to move furniture around to paint the ceilings.

When he goes to fetch Kayla he'd leave early in the morning so they don't get home after dark. One wants settling in time in a new place and it would be better arriving here in day time. It's an old house with small windows and it looked "trailer park" from the outside. Arriving at night would be worse. He'd brighten up the inside and the fittings will be modern. He was less concerned about the inside. First impressions,  seeing the house from the outside was what made Nathan uneasy. How will Kayla feel about the house? 

The plumber arrived. He had one assistant, his son. After establishing what all Nathan wanted done he took measurements. Then he left again, to go and buy the materials. 

Nathan returned to his thoughts. He remembered rare instances when he felt Kayla accepted him, wanted him and wanted to be with him. Mostly he felt tolerated. There were times when she had been afraid. He would put his arms around her and she would cling to him while he reassured her. It wasn't wanting to be close. More like a need to be reassured that she's not alone. There was the time she thought she'd reversed over the neighbor's cat. It wasn't the cat. An empty plastic paint container had been blown under the car. She was too afraid to look and went into an uncontrollable panic. She couldn't breathe. At first Nathan didn't know what was going on. He saw only her panic. She could not talk. She was shaking uncontrollably and trying to breathe. He held her and spoke softly, telling her it would be okay. 

Her panic episode left her exhausted. He got the story in dribs and drabs. Eventually, when she let go of him he went to where she'd left the car and discovered the mangled paint container. Kayla was relieved to hear it wasn't the cat, but she was still shaking. She was very quiet for the rest of the afternoon. They went to bed early and she clung to him for reassurance. He'd never experienced panic to the extent that he could not breathe. He thought, it probably feels like drowning. It was probably  like being water boarded.   

Kayla's episodes made him feel needed, useful. At first he did not know it was different from being wanted. It just felt good to be useful. He understood now that it wasn't that she wanted him. It wasn't the same as how he wanted her. It was like when a child falls and gets hurt. Any adult, or even an older child, can give comfort and physical touch. The child just needs to be reassured that she's not alone. What he needed, what he wanted, from Kayla was to feel that she wanted him. That she liked him and wanted the physical closeness with him. 

He wanted her to look forward to being with him, to want to stay in his company, to want to talk to him. Much of their conversation was criticism from her and him defending. He was certain that if he could change she'd stop criticizing. Eventually when all his kinks had been ironed out she would like being with him. Then they'd talk about other things, a weekend away together. Or plan a dinner party. Ordinary things a wife and husband do together.

They didn't invite people over or go visiting much other than family. It was  always her family. Nathan dreaded these visits. They spoke mostly about other family members. It was about this one's baby or someone's child or aunt or boyfriend. He knew few of the people they spoke about and he knew none of the places that came up in conversation. These ramblings went on and on, where family members had lived and who was where now. It was like they spoke a different language. Occasionally someone would sense that he felt excluded. Then they'd then ask him questions about his interests, politics for instance. That was worse than being left alone. He knew they were not asking out of interest, merely being polite.

He longed for those feelings he had when caring for Kayla. Not that he wanted her to experience bad things and have a panic episode. He wanted to experience taking care of her and her wanting him to be there for her. Without the panic. He will show her how much he cares and create a living space for her where all she wants is available. He longed to be that for her and to be loved and have her wanting him and seeing him as her safe place. 

Selling the expensive house and moving to the country, to a less expensive place was Nathan's idea. The exorbitant levies and taxes and provision funds would immediately end. There would also be some capital. All in all there will be more money monthly. They would be able to afford a better quality lifestyle. He wanted her to have that. For them to enjoy it together.

Kayla wasn't ecstatic, but warmed to the idea gradually. Then threw her full support behind the idea. It was mainly her effort and networking with estate agents that got the house sold very quickly.

Kayla loved the farming community where she lived as a young woman. She would find that again here. He'd buy her a reliable car so she could visit her family whenever she wanted to. He wanted her to have that freedom, know that she can go whenever she liked to and stay as long as she liked. Then "come home" to him. 

Nathan did not have the same need to be with family, to fuss about little ones and older people. That was what Kayla loved. He understood why; they made her feel needed ... they sought her out because she was kind and generous towards them. After all he had the same need to feel wanted, but not from anybody, he needed it from Kayla. 

In a way his relationship with Kayla reminded him of his childhood and his mother. She criticized a lot. Not just Nathan, his father too. It puzzled Nathan that she always demanded more from him. She never praised him for the things he thought he had done well. However, when  she had friends over for a tea party she would tell them how smart he was. She'd tell them how well he did at school, praise him to high heaven. It embarrassed him. He resented what she did. Although it had him seething inside he would just keep quiet.  

She had him recite poems for the ladies or play the piano. He hated the piano and he hated poetry. He had to or she would scold and punish him later. It was puzzling. He felt never-good-enough when he was alone with her. Then when her friends were there he had to listen to what an exceptional child he was. The incongruity was not just frustrating, it made him feel helpless and inadequate. 

He recalled an incident from when he was in grade 10. He was pedantic about his school work because it was so important in pleasing her. In grade 10 he had the highest midyear average in mathematics in the school, 94%. He came first in his class. When he showed her the 94% she said, "You can do even better. I want to see 100%" That was the day he knew he would never be good enough in her eyes. He gave up trying. He barely scraped through grade 11. In grade 12 he did slightly better ... he wanted to finish school so he could get out of the house and away from his mother's criticism.

His relationship with Kayla was different. He wasn't a child. He had resources. He would not give up like he did in grade 10. Nathan knew he could please Kayla and be the man she deserved. A few more weeks and she will come home. They will have the time and opportunity to do couple things, travel, explore, be happy together. His dream put a smile on his face. 

Nathan was happy.