Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 7

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Wanting to belong and to be accepted drives Nathan's decision making. Early childhood experiences resulted in feelings of being not good enough. As a child he felt tolerated and at the mercy of his mother rather than belonging and accepted no matter what.

He has an insatiable and compelling need to belong somewhere, be part of an authentic, real family, or partnership, a place in which the rules are clear and logical, don't change at the whim of the one who shouts the loudest. It's an unconscious need to have a place, loving connections where forgiveness is authentic and consequences are consistent.

Chapter 7

For most of the rest of the week Cadhla and Maria worked inside, cleaning out cupboards ... again. Linen and clothes and kitchen things came out of their cardboard boxes and were given permanent places. Nathan and two men worked outside getting rid of stuff left behind by the previous owner, gardening, pruning and generally tidying up the yard. At lunch times and tea times Cadhla would see to it that everyone got fed. They were simple meals but generous. She believed if you work hard you must be well fed. She threw herself into making the new, old house their home. Nathan was happier than he'd been for years. 

He made many trips to the shops, sent by Cadhla for cleaning materials, food and fizzy drinks. She did not want to go out. She spoke about going to a "proper shopping mall" the following week to start looking for rugs. Other than that she showed no inclination towards going out of the house. She hardly ventured into the garden even. Nathan liked the garden, but she defined it as an overgrown mess. He'd have to see to tidying it up despite that gardening was his most disliked chore.

On one of his shopping trips, Cadhla had sent him to buy her some wine, he stopped at the nursery in the main road and bought their entire stock of Iceland roses, eight plants in black plastic containers. The plants and her fascination with Iceland roses may just stimulate her interest in the garden. Roses do well here. Almost every garden has them. The Iceland roses being hardy and frost resistant being an obvious popular choice.

He felt good about getting the roses for her. While waiting to pay his thoughts went back to an incident early in their relationship, before he had asked her to marry him. She showed up at his house without warning, late morning one Saturday. She came into the his workshop where he was resawing some used Oregon pine wood for a coat rack. He was delighted to see her. "Leave that for another day," she said, you can come back to your planks when I'm not here." 

He smiled at how she unappreciatively relegated his treasured Oregon pine wood to planks. "I'll gladly leave my planks for another day," he said, "I am happy you are here."

"And so you should be. Come," she said taking him by the hand and pulling him towards the door.

She took him to her car, opened the trunk and pointing at a picnic basket she said, "There. Bring it ... work for today is over. We are going to have an early lunch on the beach."

"It's a lovely surprise, Keylie," he said picking up the basket. It meant so much more than nice food and sitting in the sun. He couldn't find words to describe it. Her surprise visit, the picnic basket, the message behind it, she cared, she wanted to be with him. 

"Nathan, I take care of what's important to me," she said as they started down the path. "It's what I do. I'm not a here today gone tomorrow person. "Better get used to it," she added and Nathan, suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling of belonging, felt his eyes fill with tears ... a moment he would treasure forever. 

He often wondered why he had such a powerful need for belonging. It had always been there. Lately he wanted and needed for him and Cadhla to be a unit. He'd read up about it and there was little doubt the need originated from his childhood when he never felt safe in his family. There was always a feeling that he was not really accepted. Being tolerated in the family had conditions and he was well short of meeting those. 

He gave up on ever meeting the standards his mother laid down. And they would change when he somehow managed to achieve them anyway. New standards would be set and he'd be trying to measure up to them. In the end he gave up. It wasn't a conscious decision. It just happened and he left home as soon as he found a way to stand on his own feet. 

He came out of his thoughts when the nursery woman asked, "Which is your car? I'll have the plants loaded for you."

Cadhla was excited about the roses. One of the men offloaded them and placed them on the back veranda. "I want some large pots," she announced. "Where will one get them?"

"Darling, I'll get one of the guys to plant them in the garden. Just point out where you want them to go," he suggested. Why pots, he thought. "It's excellent soil and they will do better than constrained in pots."

Her reaction exploded into the peaceful day, "Are they my roses, or did you get them for yourself? You can decide where the hell to plant them if you are too miserly to get pots."

Nathan knew that anything he said now would only intensify her anger. He felt hurt and angry being called miserly. He bought the roses because he knew she would like them. He felt the wave of nausea rush through him. Why attack his character? He'd go buy the damn pots, keep quiet and wait for her anger to blow over. This was not part of the plan. He had looked forward to the warmth of her appreciation. Instead he feels devastated, hollowed out and looking down the barrel of perhaps days of frosty silences.

He walked away. She followed him. It was like she couldn't stop, wanted to make sure he understood exactly how offensive his remark had been. Nathan said nothing. He was angry. Nauseous at the same time, the familiar nausea when he felt cornered with no way out. He resolved to suppress any urge to talk back, to not give any sign of acknowledgement that he had even heard what she said. It went on for what felt like several minutes. Eventually he got in the car and went to buy the pots. 

Cadhla ignored him when he returned. He got one of the men to offload the pots and a few bags of potting soil. They were placed with the plants on the back veranda. He had no intention of giving instructions to actually plant the roses or position the pots. She could do that. 

He noticed later that she had instructed one of the men to plant them and had arranged the pots along the water furrow in the back garden. He was still angry. Anger, disappointment and feeling unappreciated. 

Neither of them spoke a word to the other for the rest of the day. It was not an unfamiliar situation to him; there would not be an evening meal or any discussion and eventually they would end up sleeping in separate rooms. When she was like this she'd go and sleep in a spare room. Sometimes it would last several days. 

He was not the type of person to not apologize for being rude or inconsiderate, but what should he apologize for? He bought her some roses and commented that they would probably do better planted in the ground. His intentions were well meant. Even when she had her anger outburst he chose to keep quiet.

The first time she moved into the spare room Nathan felt overwhelmed. That was many years ago. He went to her and begged to end the cold war between them. He even said sorry. He could not see any reason for her anger then either, but he said sorry anyway. Over the years he became accustomed to her coercion tactics ... the thing is it achieved nothing other than putting him down, making him feel terrible. He eventually gave up going to her when she isolated him like this. When she had had enough she would end it. It no longer bothered him much. What was different this time was he had thought this would be a fresh start, that their relationship would grow.  After putting all his hopes into their fresh start it was a huge disappointment. He felt all the anticipation of a positive togetherness he so wanted and believed was happening had been sucked out of him by this day.