Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 10

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

In his eagerness to fix things Nathan often thinks something is fixed when it isn't. One could call it foolish. Perhaps even delusional. Unrealistically idealistic would be a better description. He sometimes wants something so much that he is blind to anything that doesn't fit into his plan.

Chapter 10

The days went by doing normal things. Kayla and Nathan were both happy and enjoyed just being at home together after their week away. Munch wasn't particularly elated to be fetched from the Kennels. Nathan took this to mean that kennel food was better. His morning routine had become, let the dog out and have a cup of coffee. He'd watch the sky get lighter as the sun rose. After coffee there would be up to an hour for emails and social media. Then he'd take coffee in for Kayla.

Rachel was quick to respond to his email about his "broken stairs" recurring dream.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

 

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for the feedback on your cluster c reading. I'd like you to do the same for Kayla's best fit archetype . As best you can determine for yourself which cluster she fits in. From what  you tell me I would not be  surprised if it's cluster b. Assume for a moment it is. You'll need a thorough understanding of b and of c in order to streamline communication. 

Hard but doable.

 

Anther point: if she's a cluster b person it would be better keep what you and I discuss to yourself. Cluster b's do not like criticism and often see suggested changes as criticism. In any event if this works you have achieved what you want to do ... whether she knows or not isn't important. I understand you feel it may be a betrayal of sorts. But first prize is getting your relationship to work well, isn't it?  

Thank you for sharing your broken staircase dream. I agree, it is important. Recurring dreams are always important. It may be vital for you to uncover the metaphor. Only you can do it. I can offer suggestions. But it is your job. Think hard. Write to me about it some more. Describe the people you knew and now meet again in your dream building. Colors. Smells. Emotions. Keep working on it. The major theme, you search but don't know what for. The frustration and dead ends. They're all consistently there and IMO important.  

I look forward to your emails. You will get there. You are a determined person. I sense giving up is not in your vocabulary. 

Regards

Rachel

He made a cup of coffee for Kayla and took it to the room for her. He loved these moments. She was relaxed and liked having him there. Munch came in and lay at his feet. "Darling, what's the important thing on your agenda for today?" If he knew he could fit in with her plans. Nathan realized that over time he'd more and more focused on what she wanted. To the point of not even expressing his own preferences. Rather waiting for her or asking what she wanted. He did not feel it was negative. Most of what she wanted he was okay with anyway. And he could juggle his priorities around those.

"Maria and I will reorganize the pantry. I want you to do grocery shopping."Kayla did not like going to the village shops. 
"I'm just about out of cigarettes," she added, "and get me some wine too."

After coffee he did an internet search for "cluster b personality" : 

Cluster b personalities (dramatic, erratic/emotional, narcissistic).

Cluster b personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety, being self-cent-red, avoiding responsibility and include the following traits: 

Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others 

Appearance: They are often very concerned with their physical appearance and what others think and say about them.

Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval 

Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification 

Blaming others: Blaming failure or disappointment on others 

Preoccupation with power

May have difficulty recognizing or identifying with the feelings and needs of others. 

Have trouble handling criticism, and may react with anger or rage. Inappropriate anger 

He would read some more later. Certainly the rage, anger and blame characteristics were Kayla's. He wondered why she had them. It didn't matter. He also didn't know why he had his particular set of characteristics.  His attitude softened when he thought of his own helpless responses. He realized Kayla would be equally helpless. Her responses would be different. Fueled by the different underlying characteristics she had. To her his behavior was probably equally puzzling. What was important is he now understood their different archetypes. And he had tools with which to work on improving their communication and avoiding fights.

He went to the shops for groceries and Kayla's wine and cigarettes. He was preoccupied with the picture that was developing in his mind. He did not know completely what his knee jerk behaviors were. He knew a few. When Kayla blamed him for something his first reaction was to try and make it right ... not give any thought to if her blame is justified. He would try to explain. After several attempts he'd experience anger and hit back. Often yelling accusations at her. It was the pattern. If only he could in those situations stand back and observe what was happening. Be calm, let her do her anger thing and allow time for her to let it out of her system. 

He replied to Rachel's email.  

Cluster a, b, c

Me to Rachel HM - HR

 

Hello Rachel

Thank you for your email. I'm seeing clearly. Part of me is relieved and I'm also concerned. I understand how fights between me and Kayla happens so easily. We are a perfect fit for one another ... I want to please ... she want's to avoid taking responsibility ... avoid anything that makes her less than perfect. 

I'm devastated when I feel I have disappointed her and then I have to defend and explain. She's not the sort of person that forgives. She doesn't want to say, "Sorry. I was hasty. Let's begin the conversation from scratch." No, that would be admitting that her discontent was an overreaction. So she just continues attacking. If she can make me wrong then her perfect image remains intact.

But you know, the strange thing is I'm still willing to acquiesce for the sake of peace and to make our communications better and fights fewer. Understanding the cluster c and b archetypes helps to be more rational when responding to her. I hope I can be more rational in my responses. 

 

Thank you for the time you give

 

Regars

 

Nathan 

 

He'd just sent the email when Kayla burst into the room, angry "You didn't get me my wine?"

The familiar fear feeling caught him in the gut. "I'll go get it. I forgot."

It would take him 15 minutes literally. Normally she'd be very pleasant and polite asking him to go buy her some wine. But this was different. She felt she had the upper hand because he'd forgotten. Now she could put him down for being forgetful. "You are the worst thing that ever happened to me!" She was literally shouting at him. "We had a nice home by the sea. Now I'm here in a trailer park home in the middle of the outback with dust from the street blowing in!"

She waited for him to respond. It was like he was looking down on the two of them. He wanted to say, "The house has nothing to do with the wine. You forget you bellyached about living like paupers in an expensive house. We agreed we'd sell the expensive house and buy cheaper so we could have money. You refused to participate in the purchase of another place. Repeatedly told me I must decide. Now you bellyache about this place," 

He knew any response would be an invitation for more abusive yelling. So he just held the fear feeling inside him. He did not make eye contact ... that would also be seen as defiance. When she realized there would be no response she turned and stomped out.

There would now be two or three days of sleeping in the spare room and heavy silences. It bothered him, but it was something in her he could not change. He was disappointed. Yes, he had forgotten. But Kayla's reaction was over the top, unreasonable and unwarranted. He got up and went to go and get her wine.

Rachel's reply came sooner than he expected.

Cluster a, b, c

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello again, Nathan

I'm glad you find our exchanges useful. I have been thinking a lot about all you have told me about your life and about the pattern of you and Kayla['s interactions. There is something I must make you aware of. It would be wrong of me not to mention it. But, having said that please bare in mind, I am not a professional. My studies covered some of what I'm telling you. But I offer the information for you to consider. You are a sensible person and I know you will not over-react. You will use the information in a calm and calculated way. Perhaps reject it as irrelevant ... and that would be just fine.

It is very difficult for a medical health practitioner to certify someone as having a personality disorder. It's complex and takes a long time. On the other hand a person need not be certifiable as NPD for that person's cluster B characteristics to have a very destructive consequence in a relationship. 

From what you tell me Kayla has some of those. I have no doubt that she isn't a NPD person, but she does have some of the characteristics. Here is a list of the major symptoms:

extremely negative reactions to criticism

elevated sense of self-importance

preoccupation with grandiose thoughts of success

excessive need for admiration

strong sense of entitlement

People with this disorder often show a lack of empathy and may exploit personal relationships to elevate their self-image

She may also have anger issues, sometimes called narcissistic rage. This is an intense and often disproportionate emotional reaction that occurs when a person feels their self-esteem is threatened.

Two more things, both bad news; there isn't a "cure" for personality disorder. Typically people who have some characteristics associated with NPD do not change. Secondly, it is very hard to detect, because their behavior appears normal. They will show empathy and kindness. But it's a learned behavior. There is no compassion or real feeling underlying the behavior. They discovered at a young age that there's a payoff in appearing generous and kind. So, they do it. It's similar to you brushing your teeth. When tiny you were taught to do it. Now when you brush your teeth it feels good, but there's no compelling feeling underlying it.

Enough about her. Think about it carefully and make your own conclusions.

What I want to say to you would be incomplete without giving you an opinion on the metaphor that may be contained in your dream ... the lost and searching recurring dream. Do you think it's possible that the message from your subconscious is, Nathan, you are searching in the wrong place ... what you want, what you are looking for isn't there?

Nathan, what if Kayla is incapable of compassion, empathy, the kind of love you want from a partner?

 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Regards

 

Rachel 

Iceland Roses - The Story Chapter 9

 

Preamble

The story is fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this blog are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. 

Nathan is walking two paths at the same time. He's exploring options with Rachel's help and he's also enjoying being spontaneous in Kayla's company. He no longer feels his interaction with Rachel is a betrayal. If it improves their relationship it's good.

Chapter 9

It was 05:30 when Nathan sat down at his computer. Kayla will sleep for at least an hour and a half more. He had been awake during the night, thinking what he should write to Rachel. She asked that he tell her more about himself. He decided to also tell her about Kayla. It must not create the impression that he is complaining about Kayla. There are problems in their interaction. What he is looking for is ways to adapt. He's more than ready to make adjustments. It's not about Kayla's faults. They both have good and bad communication habits. Nathan wants to find ways in which they could change.

He needed to make clear that there had been unsuccessful attempts to address their communication style and persistent fights. That he'd approached Kayla a number of times. But straight talk about working things out made her defensive. She always saw it as a criticism. And then there would be a fight. 

There was so much he wanted to say. In the end he trimmed down his email to just a few points. Almost everything becomes a fight. Kayla seems to see only the extremes ... no middle ground. Any problem becomes his "fault." Nathan avoids allocating blame. He believes it solves nothing. While Kayla immediately blames someone or something when things are not as she wants them to be.

He cannot recall a single incident when she admitted to doing anything wrong. In the time they have been together she has not once asked forgiveness for anything. Nobody can be that perfect. 

He included a few paragraphs about himself. He was a recovering alcoholic, sober for 20 years. A few relapses. He wrote about his work and hobbies. The importance of his relationship with Kayla.

Just a few sentences about the relationship with his mother. Then he sent the email.  

He made coffee and he and Munch went outside to enjoy the early morning.

There was a time he would smoke while having coffee. But he no longer craved smoking. Kayla smoked a lot. She had her favorite spot on the back veranda and would sit and smoke in silence for long periods. Often it was an agitated pulling without a pause till the cigarette was finished. Sometimes she'd immediately light another. 

He finished his coffee and went inside to prepare a cup for Kayla. She was awake and smiling. He sat down on the linen chest while she had her coffee. Nathan liked these moments. There was a closeness between them. Uncritical. Relaxed.

"What was the name of the time share we went to?" she asked. "The one with the chalets high above the sea?"

He remembered it well. The visit ended abruptly. There was a silly argument and they left before their time had expired. Two whole days before. "Dunes," he said. "Very private. Very quiet except for the kids on the trampoline that one day."

"That's the one. We should go again." A short pause, "I want to go again. Please let's go?" She had either forgotten the argument they had the last time or chose to not speak about it. The latter, he thought.

He pushed aside the feeling of apprehension. In the past a weekend away always ended up in an argument about something trivial. Then going back home earlier than planned. But this was their new life. Things will be different. "Should I call and see if we can get a reservation?"

She jumped from the bed and threw herself against him, "Today! Now! As soon as they open." Her enthusiasm was catching.

A chalet was immediately available. The kennel for Munch was also not a problem. Pack, kennels and be on their way early the following morning. This was the lifestyle he dreamed of. They were together. They were close. Their relationship was working. 

The timeshare was less than two hours from their home. They left the inland heat behind and followed the coastal route. The drive was very pleasant with Kayla chatting away happily. They delayed having lunch until after they'd checked in and unpacked. Then went to the village, a very short drive from their chalet. Lunch took them two hours. Not because they had a lot to eat, but because they enjoyed the time together. Nathan was happy. Like he was early in their relationship. 

Nathan woke up early as usual. Long before Kayla would stir. He did not bring a computer with him. He could do all he needed to on his cell phone. There was a reply from Rachel. 

Registration Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships

Rachel HM - HR

to me

Hello Nathan

Thank you for your email. And thank you for going into detail. Objective detail. From what you tell me I can see that you are inclined towards being analytical, and you love detail. You are probably also meticulous and like things to be "right"

You mention the communications difficulties in your marriage. I want to suggest we start by getting to know you better. Of course you know yourself. But I want you to put what you know into words. Make a personality inventory is a way to look at it.

  

Background: There are many definitions of personality archetypes that assist us in how we define ourselves. I suggest you read up about cluster a, b and c. Please note that in any literature you find on the internet these are likely to be defined as "personality disorders" I want you to not think in terms of having a personality disorder. We all have them to a degree. The cluster characteristics in extreme form is a disorder. But very few people have them in their extreme form. I suggest looking at the extremes because it illustrates best what your leaning is. 

There is no "right" way to be. We want to basically just understand what our most likely responses are in a particular situation. To have a nomenclature for describing yourself.

From what you have told me about you my guess is that you are a cluster c person. Analytical, meticulous attention to detail,  probably sensitive to rejection and criticism ... there's more. I suggest start with cluster c characteristics. You'll allprobably find you have some a and c traits as well. But we tend to have a dominant archetype. 

 

Kayla probably has a different dominant archetype from you. We'll look at hers at a later stage. For now we get to understand yours. 

I look forward to working with you and to your email reply. 

Regards

Rachel

Nathan could see the plan in this approach. He liked the idea of using "personality disorders" to understand the characteristics. It's like using hyperbole to emphasize something. 

The organization's name, "Healthy Mind - Healthy Relationships" made even more sense now. A healthy relationship ... objective self knowledge rather than knee-jerk reactions ... objective knowledge of your partner rather than knee-jerk reactions. Things were making sense. His uneasiness about doing this without Kayla was fading. He was glad he'd decided to do it. He liked how Rachel worked. 

He did an internet search for "cluster c personality" : 

Cluster c personalities (avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive).

Cluster c personality disorders are characterized by a pervasive pattern of anxiety and fear, and include the following traits: 

People with this disorder are highly sensitive to rejection and avoid social situations due to fear of being negatively judged. They may feel inadequate and socially inept, and have difficulty forming close relationships.

People with this disorder have an excessive need for care and validation from others, and have difficulty making decisions. They may be submissive and clingy, and have a fear of separation.

People with this disorder are perfectionists who have an extreme need for order and control. They may be adverse to change and have trouble completing tasks. They may also have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.

No, he wasn't clingy. Neither did he have a fear of separation. He agreed with most of the rest. He had never articulated "avoidant" but he could see that was what he did. It may even be the reason for drinking excessively ... to avoid feeling fear by numbing out. Excessively anxious was also a familiar feeling. And definitely inclined towards perfectionism. It was good to be able to put words to these characteristics. And to see it in himself. To own them! But discuss them with Kayla? No. He did not see himself doing that. He could however understand how being conscious of his fears and preferences would help in not reacting from his feelings. Rather identify the feeling and then ... oh yes, I know this one ... how best do I respond? He smiled to himself as he thought this. It will take practice. But he was up to it.

It was a light bulb moment. Thank you, Rachel.

Kayla was awake when he took coffee in for her. He could see she'd been awake a while. "Thank you. What shall we do today? I'm looking forward to having you all to myself all day." This was a rare mood for Kayla.

They looked at brochures in the chalet. They decided to pack a cardboard box with stuff and go into the forest for lunch. 

On their way out of the village Nathan bought some ice and a bottle of wine. He'd taken an ice bucket from the kitchen. The wine went into the ice bucket wedged firmly in a corner of the cardboard box. Then half the ice went in. Kayla would have chilled wine with her lunch.

It was a lovely afternoon. They explored a little. On the way back they stopped at a nice looking spot, walked into the forest a short distance. It was cool and damp and shaded. Perfect for a picnic lunch. 

He did not talk much. It wasn't necessary. Kayla talked non-stop while preparing food. Nathan hardly listened. He was just happy to be here and that she was obviously enjoying the time with him. This was a beautiful start to their week away from home. He wondered about the process he'd started with HM-HR and Rachel. Was it necessary to continue? Yes, he'd continue. It was his nature to finish things ... another characteristic confirming his place in the cluster c personality classification.

He'd found a comfortable spot to sit. His backrest was a massive indigenous White pear tree. When they'd eaten Kayla leaned against him while finishing the last of her wine. She dozed off. He removed the wine glass from her fingers and let her sleep. He was happy. Nathan needs someone to care about in his life ... he cared a lot about Kayla and he wanted her to be happy to be with him. And look forward to their time alone together.

It fitted what he'd read about cluster c personality ... "excessive need for care and validation from others ... " He supposed it was a lack of self-confidence. We are strange creatures. He had every reason to be confident. He'd had a successful career. Put together a fair nest egg for his retirement. And he and Kayla can live comfortably now. He was part of a sector of only 20% of people who have sufficient retirement funding when they stop working. Every reason to feel confident.

Okay, so he had to sell the expensive house in order to free up capital so they could live better. But still, they did not have to continue working just to survive. And they did not need their children to support them.

The fact is he was financially reasonably successful. But he needed care and validation from others. From Kayla specifically. He was over sensitive to anything that sounded remotely critical. That is one of the reasons for often ending up in arguments. Remedy: when next you feel like defending or explaining, pause. Don't defend or counter attack. Ask yourself, is this a criticism? Or is it your knee jerk fear? You want validation and this seems like the opposite. Take time to respond. Find something neutral to say.

The strategy Rachael had started him on was paying off. He was much more aware of the process when he and Kayla spoke ... as if looking down on the two of them. Being conscious of his feelings. Thinking before reacting. The rest of their time at Dunes went without angry incidents. Nathan was thrilled 

On the second night his recurring dream happened again. The building, the broken stairs. And his feelings of frustration while searching and experiencing only dead ends. The things that were always the same were the building, the location of the building, the roads to and from the building. He was always searching unsuccessfully. Not ever knowing what it was he was searching for. The interior was not consistently the same. Often there was a broken staircase, but not every time. He wrote to Rachael about all this the following morning. Told her in as much detail as he could recall. And also wrote about how frequently he had the dream and for how long it had been happening. It did not seem to be linked to any person or recent incident. It would just happen. Then months would go by and he wouldn't have the dream. Perhaps Rachel would help him discover the metaphor. What it was he was searching for.